The emotional fog has lifted today and the ability to think positively again, with fewer tears and a more positive outlook has caused me to resurface. Enough already! So I decided today is a good day to share some of the comments I've heard so far.
One woman I spoke with today started by looking at me, REALLY looking at me cocking her head from one side to another and back again. Finally, still looking intensely at me she says, "Wow! You don't look sick at all...you look quite good! That's amazing!" It just hit my funny bone and we laughed. Everyone has their way of dealing with this I guess.
Another person, after being told of my diagnosis asked if I was going to have chemo. I shared that I thought it was likely and she replied, "What a great chance to be a blonde...that is, if you ever wanted to be a blonde I mean why not? You'll have a choice, you have to have a wig and all that because of losing your hair and stuff, so why not live it up a little?!" Cracked me up too!
I have discovered that some people don't quite know what to say to me. I think this is the most interesting and in some ways most disturbing result of all. I try to think of myself as still being "the same old me who just happens to have cancer". Does that word still carry the same stigma? Do others look at me and see someone they know who may die? Are they thinking "what if it happened to me?" Are they worried and concerned or just don't want to deal with it? Do they feel it is contagious? I don't know what to think and believe me, I don't waste too much time on it either. It has just been something I have observed.
I realize that now, when I am the most vulnerable, I have to work even harder to keep my friendships and responsibilities intact. I will need to continue to do so even when I want to crawl back into bed, pull up the covers, and disappear. During the times when I am barely taking care of myself, thinking clearly, or holding myself together I am going to have to reach out...because THAT is when I will be needing everyone the most!
Donalee- I was sorry to hear about all your troubles, Jane told me yesterday. Your words are bringing back a lot of memories.
ReplyDeleteI remember very well that feeling when they call you back in for more pictures.... you just know something is not right- and then, nothing is right and you are suddenly in a whole new world. A world of biopsies and surgery, radiation, chemo, etc..... a world of uncertainty, fear and mostly I remember being TIRED. But along with all of that is the love and caring of so many very kind people and many opportunities for laughter. I was teaching while I went through chemo and we had a pretty good time with my poor bald head (It helps to have a "sick" sense of humor!). I am glad (and not surprised) that you deal with the negative and focus on the positive things.
My thoughts are with you. Hugs...Karen