Meet the Oncologist 6/29/2010...NOT what I expected!

I had asked Walt to go with me to this meeting as my advocate because I knew it was going to be the most difficult one I would face. I knew I could use his calm presence and clear head. Once again the trip down had not one word in regards to what was about to take place until I had to tell him we were going to the Johnson Cancer Center by Mercy Hospital. I was pretty certain a good blood pressure reading was ahead for me. I am certainly grateful for his time, his offer of help, and especially for his laid back manner to keep my nerves from getting the best of me!

I had not received the paperwork in the mail so I was using my "teaching lack of time do it spur of the moment" skills to write fast and complete my assignment from the receptionist. Of course it wasn't one page but about six! I was still working on the big yellow one when the nurse called us to go in.

Weight? Getting better.
Height? No way have lost an inch since my doctors appointment two weeks ago...oh well.
Down the hallway to the room for blood pressure 127 over 83, good deal.
Temperature 97.1. Temperature's never been normal anyway any nore than I have!
Pull curtain, put on another attractive hospital gown for an brief exam.

My first meeting with Dr. B was stilted as he joined me on the other side of the curtain. I tried to keep things light and he was quite serious but trying also. He had me take deep breaths, checked my heart, looked at my surgery site, said things were looking good, asked me to get dressed and said he would be back to discuss my treatment options. After I did, I pulled open the curtain and sat down by my friend to wait for him.

Expecting a conversation about invasive ductal carcinoma, chemotherapy, herceptin and radiation I was not prepared for what occured. He started with a graph that my head couldn't wrap around because of my impatience to get to the heavy stuff. Then he said, "You have invasive lobular carcinoma with some lobular carcinoma in situ and I'd like to begin your Tamoxifen regimine as soon as we can."

WHAT??? Invasive LOBULAR carcinoma??? Lobular cacinoma IN SITU?? Tamoxifen for five years? I'm not supposed to do that I am HER2 positive and that is treated with chemo and herceptin! I have been reading about it for over a month so I would be knowledgeable and prepared to accept it all with a positive state of mind and discuss it intelligently. NOW I have a different diagnosis, a different therapy, a different everything?

I was SO CONFUSED I couldn't focus. He said my mass was 0.6 and too small for chemo and herceptin, that HER2 was of "minimal concern"...at that point I began to question, irratically I am sure. I was now trying to wrap my head around what he was trying to say while inside my head, I kept hearing "This is wrong. Why is he saying all this? This isn't me, it's not what I am supposed to have, and other random, confused, scared and upset thoughts. I couldn't find the calm or the words to share why I was feeling like I was and ask what I should have because I couldn't think clearly enough.

My tape had stopped working during the most important half of the conversation. I know at the end of our appointment I let him believe I was ok with Tamoxifen and we could take a look at it. I could even have a small regimine of chemo if I really felt strongly, just no herceptin. I recall telling him I might even call him with the ok tonight.

Walt had mentioned the possibility of congestive heart failure with Herceptin and that Dr. B said I'd be able to avoid that likelihood with this, especially because of my moms experience. Tamoxifen is great news and only a pill to take every day for five years. He was right of course, but I needed to think. Something just wasn't right, didn't feel right. I'd sort it all out later. We went out to the waiting room as I had to get my blood drawn.

In the meantime, the representative that helped coordinate my insurance needs with the center so that I wouldn't have to worry came over to invite us to join him. He started by apologizing that he could not contact my company because they were in Washington and it was not yet 8am there. He apologized more than once and I felt my nerves tighten. He mentioned the Tamoxifen, I said I hadn't decided yet, he said he couldn't do anything quite yet anyway because my company hadn't opened yet and things got worse for me at that point. I couldn't see the point in his conversation and was becoming impatient with the whole thing. I was struggling to calm myself. He suggested I talk with the social workers who would explain how they can be helpful to me getting more funding or whatever I needed since he didn't have much to tell me at this time. I just wanted to get the blood drawn and get out of there!

Walt thanked him and I said ok to having the two young ladies come in. They were very calming and it definitely had the right affect on me. They said they realized we were short of time and Walt reassured them we had time, it was fine. I agreed because I was FINALLY beginning to relax again. Their information was interesting and it was also reassuring to hear some of the ways they could be helpful with any financial needs I might have. When they finished their short presentation, I was finally off to get my blood drawn. I was glad when we could finally leave.

Out in the car I questioned my "extra pair of ears" to see if he heard what I heard and got some clarification on things I didn't hear due to my confusion. Walt reassured me that this was really good news, which is truly is!

Then WHY am I feeling like something isn't right here?

When you don't know for sure, just assume she can't do it.

I may not feel much real pain from the cancer itself, but it definitely is beginning to cause some for me in real life.

I received a phone call from the secretary of a group I belong to and have enjoyed working for. The chairman of the organization hoped to borrow several of the top hats I had for an event he was involved in the next evening. So, I got in my car and headed over to drop them off at the office so he could use them and was more than happy to do so.

When I arrived, had a nice but short visit because my dog,Foxy, was in the car with me and it is quite warm today. Before I left, she asked if I was planning to come to the event on the 26th and agreed. I told her I had it on my calendar and I was looking forward to doing the chalk drawing just like I said I would. She then told me, "The group has decided it was too much work and no one looked at it anyway so they don't want to do it this year. I told them I liked it, but that didn't affect their decision."

Rather than whine and say "it would have been nice if someone would have let me know" I just told her ok and thanked her for letting me know. When I returned to the car, it did make me wonder though...IF I hadn't stopped by to drop off the hats for an unrelated event, would someone have called or emailed to let me know? Would they have waited until I came to do it that morning after buying all the chalk? With only a week left before the event, who knows?

Again, no one asked, they just "assumed" it was too much for me. I wonder how many more times this will happen and with how many different groups? This could be a very long year.

Post Op Appointment Today Weds. 6-16-2010

I had mixed emotions heading to this appointment today. Felt everything was fine, but of course, it wasn't like I hadn't had surprises visiting doctors offices before. I had decided to stop on M-120 and see if the florist shop had some little something I could take with me. Just wanted to share some little bright thank you when I went into the office today. Knew it would make me feel good too.

When I walked into the refrigerated area I saw it right away. A little vase with three staggered bright red carnations, ferns, baby's breath. It was simple, elegant and perfect! Of course, it didn't hurt that I happened to have a red shirt on today either! On the card: "Dr. P and staff, Thank you for your help, encouragement, and support. Have a wonderful day!"

The look on Amanda's face when I handed it to her at the desk while checking in made everything perfect! After the appointment, I found out that Laurie had made sure Dr. P saw it before my appointment...sneaky girl that she is. The staff really is wonderful, I couldn't be luckier.

Dr. P and I had a chat about where we go from here. Seems I was right about Dr. B and that they had worked together on other cases. That made him the perfect choice for me too. The office staff will be working to get me an appointment with my likely new oncologist in the next two weeks. I just feel I will like working with him too, especially since they have already shared many cases together.

Next we talked about the chemotherapy and my herceptin treatments which will need to start soon as well. Dr. P wants to put in a port rather than having me get "needled" each time I come for treatment, which will be for an extensive period of time. If some of the "cocktail" (as I call it) gets out into the skin rather than in the vein, it can injury the surrounding good tissue. Dr. P would like to place a "port" under the skin and basically under my bra strap area on my right side. There would be a catheter threaded in a vein that goes towards my heart that would carry the "cocktail" more quickly an effectively through the body. A needle would be inserted into the port that is attached to my chemo bag. This is means less chance of error, infection, overusing veins, etc. I am still reading more about it, but I can certainly see the plusses over the other way. It will just require another out patient surgery in the next few weeks. When I was asked if I wanted to be put out when it was done...it was a definite YES!

You'll find more information on the "port" where all the links are posted below.

Tonight I went to my rehearsal for my smaller singing group, the Choral Belles. Rhonda brought me a wonderful bouquet of fresh picked flowers from her garden in a lovely clear vase with a glass butterfly on the side. It was precious and so very thoughtful. Of course, the loaf of banana bread was a special treat as well. We always have so many giggles running rampant at rehearsal...she is such a joy to be around along with the other talented women in the group including Carol, Ruth, Gerry and Hope during these summer months.

In the ride to the hospital, Walt told me that I was going to be surprised at the support, encouragement and love that would come from unusual or unexpected places or when I least expected it. Tonight, Pastor Dick was at Ferry Memorial (where we rehearse) for a meeting with some of his members. When I walked out with the other gals, he stopped, stood up, and said "Oh Donalee, how very wonderful to see you. I have been praying for you and hoping you were well." I thanked him again for his e-card and kind thoughts but most of all for his joy, sincere words and hug.

You were right, my friend. Blessings come when you least expect it...and often when the surprise of it touches you most deeply.

Crawling back up 6-13-2010

The emotional fog has lifted today and the ability to think positively again, with fewer tears and a more positive outlook has caused me to resurface. Enough already! So I decided today is a good day to share some of the comments I've heard so far.

One woman I spoke with today started by looking at me, REALLY looking at me cocking her head from one side to another and back again. Finally, still looking intensely at me she says, "Wow! You don't look sick at all...you look quite good! That's amazing!" It just hit my funny bone and we laughed. Everyone has their way of dealing with this I guess.

Another person, after being told of my diagnosis asked if I was going to have chemo. I shared that I thought it was likely and she replied, "What a great chance to be a blonde...that is, if you ever wanted to be a blonde I mean why not? You'll have a choice, you have to have a wig and all that because of losing your hair and stuff, so why not live it up a little?!" Cracked me up too!

I have discovered that some people don't quite know what to say to me. I think this is the most interesting and in some ways most disturbing result of all. I try to think of myself as still being "the same old me who just happens to have cancer". Does that word still carry the same stigma? Do others look at me and see someone they know who may die? Are they thinking "what if it happened to me?" Are they worried and concerned or just don't want to deal with it? Do they feel it is contagious? I don't know what to think and believe me, I don't waste too much time on it either. It has just been something I have observed.

I realize that now, when I am the most vulnerable, I have to work even harder to keep my friendships and responsibilities intact. I will need to continue to do so even when I want to crawl back into bed, pull up the covers, and disappear. During the times when I am barely taking care of myself, thinking clearly, or holding myself together I am going to have to reach out...because THAT is when I will be needing everyone the most!

It all came crashing down! 6-11-2010

The big bandage that covered my whole breast was now off, I had managed a couple showers, and the steri strips were in place. Quite a bit of tissue had been removed inside. Carol had told me I would basically be about a cup size smaller. What it actually was seemed like a "breast lift". I jokingly remarked to a friend that I now had a younger breast on my left and a "grabbed by gravity" breast on my right! What else could I do but joke about it? By all outward appearances, they are pretty much the same...but they aren't. Reality hit today in more ways than just physically. By mid morning, my emotional world came flying apart.

I was scheduled to go to my dentist for a cleaning and some dental work on Monday the 14th. I had been having difficulty sleeping, still got tired easily, took naps in the afternoon, and wasn't sure I could do the double appointment of several hours that I had planned before my diagnosis. I called the office to see if I could just do the cleaning on Monday and reschedule the other appointment afterwards. I was totally unprepared for what took place during our conversation.

When I called, Emily answered, pleasant and delightful as always. I began to tell her about my surgery and that my surgeon wanted me to get my teeth taken care of. I'd be getting chemo soon but that I just didn't think I could do the full two procedures. Before I got out any other words...I lost it! I apologized because as I was saying, "I just don't think I can do it", the tears started to flow down my cheeks. I couldn't get control of my emotions enough to pull myself together.

Emily was reassuring, I was apologizing and that's when she told me she totally understood. Through my sobs, she explained that her mom had recently had surgery for breast cancer and had been very emotional a few days after the procedure. When she asked when I had my surgery and I told her a week ago, she told me she would be cancelling both procedures because it was way too soon. It was obvious I needed a bit more time before driving the distance and dealing with things there. Again, I cried, this time out of gratitude I think,and Emily just continued to console me as best she could. I kept apologizing for my lack of control, feeling embarassed at breaking down and getting so emotional, and she just kept making me feel better with her kindness, patience, and empathy.

I believe things happen for a reason. Emily just happened to be out at the desk when I called and picked up the phone. No one else could have been more perfectly chosen! She truly knew exactly what I was experiencing since her mom had gone through bouts of the same. She instinctively knew the words I needed to hear, reassured me there were other days to get things taken care of and that she would check with me in a couple weeks to set up another appointment...she told me not to worry.

I had many other emotional moments and I know they aren't over. But I will always be grateful that Emily was on the other end of that phone that morning and helped me off the first cancer roller coaster, just when I needed her most!

The First Few Days After Surgery 6-5 to 6-9

The first day was mostly a blur and a LOT of sleeping, which was what I was supposed to do. Friends Sandy and Sandy Dimples, we call her, stopped by for a visit and it was nice to be checked on. Got a text from Walt who was making sure I was ok and then spent most of the rest of the day reading, sleeping, and taking my meds at 5 hour intervals to keep the pain at bay.

On Sunday, Carol stopped by after church to visit and see how things were going. She brought a book that a friend gave her for me to read, caught me up on plans for her trip to Oklahoma, and all the gardens she was trying to work on before she left. She is such an amazing, talented and giving person that I truly feel blessed that she wiggled in some time for me. She brought a wonderful picture of herself and her dog, Lena, that I have in a special silver frame with flowers (appropriate) to take with me to chemo treatments. I had read in another woman's diary about how comforting it was to have a couple pictures of her family/friends with her during chemo therapy. She said, "I was guaranteed to smile when I looked at them" and I do every time I look at her picture already. There's a comfort in that for me and I will work on gathering my other pictures before treatments start.

Both times Sandy and Carol used their keys to come in and that was fine. They were just checking to make sure I was ok and these first few days, I had no problem with that at all. There would come a time, and not long after, when I was able to care for myself again, and didn't need the unexpected key in the lock. But for the first few days after surgery, it was good to know that they would all be checking...with a key, a phone call, or a text message to make sure nothing went wrong. And that meant the world to me.

Recovery Then and Now

I really liked the dream I was having...but I couldn't remember it at all once the pain hit! I got my very heavy eyelids open and noticed Bill to my right. He was reassuring me that he was going to get my medicine just right and it wouldn't hurt so much any more.

"Ok, another 5mm" . There was a young lady on his right who was repeating his orders and writing them down. Wasn't really aware of that at first. I think it was after the fourth or fifth time he spoke to her regarding how much he was adding and of what that both of their bodies became clearer to me and the pain was starting to subside.

I was so thankful Walt had taken the time to tell me, "Remember, when you come out of recovery they will ask you about your pain and to rate it on a scale of 1-10. If it is a 5, say it is a 9, don't be afraid to say it hurts and ask for more pain medication. This isn't the time to tough it out because if you do, you'll regret it because you'll hurt more later." He was SO right.

When Bill first asked me, that 9 WAS a 9 to me! I had two spots to deal with, one on the top of my breast and one incision under my left arm...ouch! Next, I was an 8, then a 6, then a 4 and it was perfect. What he gave me I could more than tolerate the pain and it helped the whole rest of the day go better too.

They brought me back to the "staging area" as I call it, back to cubicle "E" once again to make my efforts to clear my head, see my friends, and join the real world. Carol and Sandy joined me there and I know, at first, they did more of the chatting than I did, mainly because I can't remember much of it to share with you here. Things started to become clearer and I was asked if I wanted some water. I never heard a more wonderful thing than that! I hadn't had any water in 12 hours...do you know how much more that beverage is appreciated, how magnificent it tastes, when you've been without it that long? Hallelujah!

While I was enjoying that, Walt walked in too and joined in on all the jokes and chatter. It was close to 5pm and I was amazed! I was waking up pretty well now, enjoying my water and my friends. Martha brought my clothes to me and I got the ok to change and prepare to go home. Walt stepped out, Sandy and Carol were ready to help when I looked at them and said, "I got this girls." With a question about needing help and a "no, but thank you" from me, they stepped outside the curtain too and joined Walt, a little surprised for sure. With that pain medicine, I was able to get myself dressed with very little discomfort,then pulled the curtain open with a smile, ready to go. Martha got the wheel chair, sent Sandy after her car, Carol took the prescription for my medicine, and we were all on our way out of there.

Getting outside felt great! I got out of the chair, hugged Carol with thanks for getting my meds and said that I would see her at home. Hugged Walt and thanked him for getting me there in the morning and wished him a safe trip east to be with his partner. Then slid into the car for the trip home, chattering with Sandy all the way.

When we arrived at my house, I had Sandy use her key so she knew it worked. Then walked her through my clean rooms and it felt so good. That's when it struck me...I'm hungry! No food since 7 pm the night before either...ugh! I went into the kitchen and she was ready to do it for me. Nope, got it...how about some cheese and crackers? Sliced up cheese, put out some crackers, poured a cold coffee beverage I had to share, and sat down to snack and waited for Carol to join us bringing the meds. I told them the stories I have shared with all of you about my visits to the various rooms and the delightful people I spent time with. It was just great to be alive and be home!

They left about 6...long day for them and certain that I would be asleep soon...HA! I watched a movie, played a few games on Pogo.com, and talked to one of my friends for about 2 hours. Before going to bed, I noticed that my generic vicodin said to take one or two capsules every 4 to 6 hours as needed for pain. So...the first night, I took two before I went to sleep because I could feel things coming back to life on the left side and knew I didn't want to feel the full force of it. Then I set my alarm on my phone to wake me in 5 hours, at which time I took one. I kept ahead of the pain and will continue to do that over the next few days... at least, that's my plan. I hope to be off the powerful stuff and onto the lighter stuff by next weekend. We'll see how it goes.

Am I blue, tic tac toe, and surgery too! 6/4/2010

During the localization process, a spot on my breast a little bit higher and over to the right of my incision was marked with an "X" with a black marker. Now, I know they said something to me about what that was all about, but I knew it was for my surgeon.

When I went back to the area where we all gather before surgery, they had moved me from cubicle "B" to cubicle "E". Since Cindy knew I'd been a teacher, she told me it had nothing to do with my grades. I told her it could have been worse, you could have put me in "F". I was just across from the nurses station and with my two fun-loving friends there now, we definitely kept them entertained. Cindy was kind enough to get my things out of the locker so I could give the ladies their cards and keychains with my housekey...my privacy and independence now in the hands of three other people...yikes! Wanted them to have the cards before I went in and yes, it was also because if anything went wrong, it was important for me to know that all three of them knew how much I appreciated what they did for me today.

Then the countdown to surgery started. First was Dr. P. She came to check to see how I was doing. Wanted to let me know that I might get a little bluish gray tint to my skin to which I was immediately called a Smurf by my friends. When I did look down at the tops of my feet, they did have a grayish tint to them because of the dye that was now in my system. Smurfette here! Of course it didn't help when Cindy came in with the blue cap to put over my hair for the trip to surgery. I will never live that moment down! Dr. P also told me not to be shocked when I went to the bathroom and saw blue in the toilet bowl at home and we all cracked up again. You can imagine some of the comments I got at that point! Instant toilet bowl cleaner here! Then we settled down a bit and discussed the basics again of what she was going to be doing.

Next, Dr. P leaned over, took a look at my wire job, then took a marker and made another "X" slightly above and to the left of the other one. I told her that since there were little circles all over that area already and now two x's, that I should get a pen so I can play Tic Tac Toe too! Had the nurses station giggling on that one!

I remembered that Tim had asked me to tell her that he had taken a special picture and test for her when he did my sentinel node check and wanted me to let her know. She chuckled at that and then told me the anesthesiologist would be in shortly to talk with me, settle on when he was going to use, and we would be starting soon after.

Meet the anesthesiologist and his assistant Cheryl. First I was struck by his calm manner, but then by his very unique mustache...half was white, half was gray and black and divided more or less by the center of his nose. I had to put my eyes back to his while he was asking me questions and explaining procedures. It was just so fascinating, my eyes kept being drawn there, especially as he talked. It was good to later her Carol and Sandy had the same problem!

He enjoyed teasing his assistant who he "blamed" for everything and you could tell she was used to the banter. We all enjoyed it and played right into it too. It was calming to have someone who obviously took his job very seriously and was excellent at it demonstrate that he had a great sense of humor and was making sure the patient was definitely at ease. What a delight to get to tease such a guy before he silences you in seconds and puts you out for a good two hours!

I had the luxury of visiting with my friends for a longer period than we first thought because things were backed up a bit in surgery. My only concern was that my other friend didn't know that I was going in later, might worry, and would Carol please call, which she did. We had a good time to chat, told stories, joked around about my warm blankets (which I loved by the way), my skin color, silly things that were going on, and just generally had a good time. Every so often we would catch the nurses at the desk chuckling again too.

Pretty soon Martha came in and hooked up the IV bag, fussed with the gurney, and got me ready to travel. You know, you do see the world differently when you basically see the ceiling as you move swiftly through the corridors. When we went through the double doors, the scenes from too many TV hospital shows were vividly displayed in my mind, but quickly vanished when the operating room came into view.

Cheryl helped me move over from the gurney to the table. She and the anesthesiologist were there to get me as comfortable as they could and explain what was next. Warm blanket first...thank you both because it is chilly in there! Next, he placed my right arm out to the side. My left arm was crooked and placed on the table above my head. He told me once I was under, he would be putting a tube down my throat to help me breath and when I woke up, I would be in the recovery room.

He and Cheryl bantered a bit more and were going to place a blanket on me that breathed hot air. I was looking forward to seeing this, but Dr. P said no because it would be in the way and that is the last thing I remember...perfect timing!

Surgery 9 to 5 Part III: Dr. L, liked him but not his needles

Before Dr. L had left the other room, he asked how I was doing. I told him it wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be and I still liked him. He chuckled and said, "That's good because I have a feeling you're not going to like me quite as much after the next procedure I have to do." I was curious, but not to worried...yet.

Joyce wheeled me away to one area and Tim picked me up after that. He was the delightful assistant that I met in radiology and without him, it would have really been a downer to be there. I had to get up on a very narrow long table that I discovered, would eventually lead to an XRay machine. We talked teaching and life and upbeat stuff and he just kept my mind busy while he was working away. Putting up padded arm rests so they could rest comfortably beside me, put some more topical on my breast, fussed around hooking up this and that, preparing the computer, and getting a tray ready that I couldn't see...which was a good thing!

When Dr. L came in, he explained that he was going to be inserting a needle putting in the radioactive dye and I knew this one wasn't going to be pretty! He just finished telling me he had to do that about six times...OMG, that reminded me instantly of the computer-assisted biopsy. No wonder he said I probably wouldn't like him afterwards.

I remembered grabbing Joyce's hand and squeezing a little during the Battleship game. I quickly asked him where Tim was and he appeared right away to Dr. L's left. I told him I needed a hand and he already had it out there, bless his heart. First needle inserted...I can't describe it except to say I had to ask to pause a minute for Tim. I had my fingernails directed that first time into the palm of his hand...I was afraid if the next one was the same or worse, I would draw blood! I asked to grip his thumb because at least then, I'd be stabbing myself. I am certain that through the next five needle insertions, Tim lost complete feeling in his left thumb!

When Dr. L was finished, he apologized for the pain, said I actually did very well, and the results they could see were good to go. I actually thanked him for a good job...I'd heard he was a perfectionist and I could definitely appreciate his wonderful gifts and desire to get things right. I also told him..."I still like you." To which he smiled and told me I was going to do great.

Tim set me up with the Xray to monitor the dye as it went looking for sentinel nodes. Here my system cooperated and he was delighted to tell me mine were quickly recognized. I just relaxed there for about 15 minutes as he went through the series of computerized tests he needed to do to generate the report.

He helped me up, put me back in the wheelchair, and put the big blue notebook on my lap once again. I took a quick peek inside after Tim put me in the hall and went into another room to check on another patient. It is about a 2 1/2 inch binder with tons of documentation all about me! It was first placed in my lap when I left the nurses station and has been traveling the hospital with me ever since. Each room I go to for a procedure takes the book and then gives it back to me when things are completed. Shades of being a teach once again and taking my homework from class to class!

When Tim finished, he rolled my chair down the hall to the next person who would be taking me back to where it all started with Cindy, and hopefully my friends would be meeting me there. It's certainly been an interesting morning!

Surgery 9 to 5 Part II: Let's play Battleship 6-04-2010

Seemed I was just on a roll with a happy attitude when I was brought into the waiting area for my localization...whatever that means. Here I met Joyce, the delightful nurse who was responsible to assist but also to chatter away with me because they were running slightly behind schedule. We discussed a wide range of topics as she was a great conversationalist. When I mentioned being part of the Chorale, she told me she remembered the group being at her church. Before long, we discovered we both knew a very special couple and neither one of us could say enough complimentary things about them both!

About a half hour passed before I was wheeled into the room to face that giant gray mammo machine once again. This time though, the plastic plates were different. I remember one of my late husbands templates which immediately came to mind when I saw rows of open circles. I believe there were about six across and 4 down, but it just reminded me, for some reason of the game, Battleship.

Once again the breast is place on the shelf and the plastic plate with the holes was lowered onto it to flatten it once again but not to the point of pain. They were looking for my little clip that had been placed inside to indicate where the mass was and where the earlier biopsy had been taken. There it was on the screen the little rectagular ship they were aiming for. Next, the technician had to assure that it was place within one of the open holes. She let the radiologist know when she had the target in her sites and the procedure officially began.

Dr. L came into the room, took a look at the picture they had taken, showed me the needle with the little cap on the end and also an extremely thin wire with a little hook on the end. He explained that he was going to insert the capped needle into my breast to get as near to the clip as he could. Then he was going to insert the wire through the opening in the cap, through the needle, and down to where the clip was since it was going to be there to use as a guide for the removal of the mass, kind of like fishing but with a guaranteed catch!

To my beading friends, the first thing I thought of when I saw the wire is that my Fireline looks just like it! I told my group there that it would be nice to have some colored beads to slip onto the wire since I'd be wearing it for awhile. We all had a good chuckle! When he got the wire in, I turned my head and bumped my vertical wire with my nose. I suggested maybe we make it into a sparkler and it would help me remember it was there. A few more chuckles later, Dr. L made a small curl out of the wire and taped it to my chest. A metal chest hair! What can I say?

Dr. L left and they raised the plastic plate and I admit, I cracked up again. I had about 12 clear circle indentations on my breast! I did look like a type of graph similar to Battleship. I don't think I'll ever look at that game in quite the same way!

Pre op and Surgery Day: Settling In 6-04-2010

First pre-operative shower about 10pm. Couldn't eat after midnight, drink anything after 5 am, and slept lightly between 5:00 and 7:00. I did not want to oversleep and miss the required second pre-operative shower I was required to take and did. I wanted to be ready by 8:30 when my friend would be by to pick me up. The show would begin at 9:00 and I had a LOT on my mind.

Foxy was at the kennel, things I wanted to leave out were, I was dressed and as calm as I could be. Walt and Carol had discussed plans for this day and I was fine with their decisions, since just keeping myself together and calm was a full time job!

When Walt arrived to take me to the hospital, he provided a great diversion, talking about an upcoming trip for work, projects, movies, things to help me stay relaxed and just enjoy the company rather than focus on what was about to take place. It made the drive to the hospital more relaxed and gave me less time to stew about things. He had figured all that out ahead of time since he knows all too well how I can get myself worked up about things!

When we arrived, I headed to the registration desk at Hackley, checked in, and was told to go to the Surgery admitting area. From there, it was off to my little cubicle surrounded with curtains to get ready. Walt stepped outside while I transformed myself from regular person into stylishly dressed patient! My wonderful nurse, Cindy, gave me the bag to put everything in and once again, I was in one of those high fashion hospital gowns and would soon have a cubicle full of comers and goers as they got me ready for the events of the day.

We were able to visit for a little while before Cindy came back. She filled me in on my day which was a lot to take in so it was a good thing she said it more than once. She gathered up my bag of clothes and shoes and put them in a locker for me. Next, it was vitals time as we chatted away, often pulling Cindy into our conversation. For all appearances, we three were actually having a great time. She left to get a warm blanket or two so she could get me tucked in along with some warm socks for my feet. LOVE those warm blankets!

Eventually it was time to lie down so Cindy could prepare the operative site and again try to prepare and reassure me about what was going to happen today. When she finished, another nurse came with a wheelchair to whisk me away to the first big event. I told Cindy that two other members of my chosen family, Carol and Sandy, would be here later as Walt needed to head back to work. I knew if they could, they would all be around at the end of the day. Saying good bye, I left both of them talking and was wheeled away by another great caregiver on my way to the great gray mammo machine. Rather than be worried, I finally felt secure in knowing everything was going to be fine.

What if? Get your act together! 6/1-6/3/2010

I am on the countdown before surgery on Friday. My house is still filled with stuff from three concerts, rehearsals, and just pure laziness to some extent. I had made my list and was positively determined that come hell or high water, this house was going to be as clean as I could reasonably make it, things were going to be put away, packed to the garage or into the roomy crawlspace below the house, and I was going to finally again be able to feel comfortable when people came to visit! Let the whirlwind of activity begin!

The other thing I had on my mind...what if I don't make it? There really isn't anyone who knows what they need to about my "stuff". So that needed to be addressed as well. Heaven help the friends and members of my late husbands family who have to deal with all this when I am no longer here!

One by one I worked my way through the list; bathrooms, guest bedroom, dining room table, living room, vacuuming, mopping the floors, kitchen, dishes, laundry, and finally my bedroom and the closet!

The first night, I quit about midnight. Second night I quit about 3 am. The last night, the night before surgery, I couldn't sleep anyway so I did a few "extras" and finally crawled into the sheets about 5:00am. I left the light on in the bathroom so it would shine on my face, which seems to help me sleep lightly rather than so hard. It is easier then to not miss the alarm and I needed to be up by 7:00 to get ready. I knew I would get plenty of rest after surgery.

And it sure felt great to walk out the door and know my house was in good shape no matter how things ended up.

Cancer takes a vacation for the weekend 5/21-5/23/2010

I was looking forward to this weekend to be able to forget EVERYTHING and have a wonderful, memorable time!

Just starting the drive was a relief for I knew I was headed out of town to spend some time and an overnight stay with great friends. We left in plenty of time to arrive at the Michigan State University in Lansing and make it to the hotel we would be staying to meet friends for a drink and surprise another for his birthday. When we were all there, I hadn't laughed that much and so heartily in a very long time!

We had dessert first having a slice of a delightful homemade chocolate chip "pie" and then changed clothes, headed for a wonderful mexican meal at a downtown restaurant. The tostada salads were huge and shared, the margaritas were cool and delicious. With the warm weather we were having, it was an added delight.

One of our party knew of a van service, the Shag Wagon, that would take us all to the performing arts center. What a kick!

We had purchased tickets to go to see one of the final performances here in Michigan of Phantom of the Opera, which is one of my favorite musicals. How easily I put myself right into the whole performance and completely forgot all that I had had to deal with over the past three weeks. We had fabulous seats, wonderful company and an outstanding performance...can't beat that! We had planned this surprise trip for several months and it was working out so perfectly.

Called the Shag Wagon to come back so we could head back to the hotel. We shared a drink together in the lounge, sharing our thoughts regarding the performance and whatever else came to our minds. Great wind down time.

In the morning, we shared a nice breakfast downstairs and were ready to check out and head to our homes by 11:00am. It was a truly wonderful and memorable trip that I will not soon forget and I thank them all for every minute shared. With my birthday coming up on Monday, sharing the gift of friendship is the best...and helping me forget for two days??? Priceless!!!

Choosing my chosen family for this experience 5-18-2010

My Dad died of Hodgkin's Disease in 1965 when I was not quite 14 years old. He was 39. My Mom passed with little warning in 2004 from pneumonia, system failure and possible congestive heart failure. She was 84. My husband also died unexpectedly from double pneumonia, system failure, and ARDS in 2007. He was 66. I know loss, grief and that sense of abandonment which can frighten and overwhelm you. I also know about being alone but not necessarily lonely, and feeling lonely when you are not alone.

With no brothers, sisters, or children, and a newcomer to Michigan, I find myself with a dilemma. I had not been seriously ill before. I didn't worry about it much as I always had two people, then at least one, I could count on. With them gone, what happens now? I hadn't been in contact with my niece and nephew for awhile and couldn't just drop in with this news and expect them to help. It didn't seem right to ask that of them when they have other in-laws they also look out for.

All of the information encouraged patients to have family members or close friends who would be there from beginning to end, not only during the time of surgery, but through the treatment time ahead. Who could I ask to share such a responsibility with me?

Most who know me realize right away that I am very willing to give and help other people, but pretty darn lousy at asking others to give and help me! Now that is exactly what I need to do. Heck, I don't even want to TELL anyone else yet but I know I have to.

I had already asked my good friend Walt to consider being part of my chosen family because of everyone, he probably knows more about me than even he would like to at times! He has already been put in the position to advocate for others, so I had no doubt, if it became necessary, he would advocate for me. He already had agreed to earlier this month when I was first diagnosed. But to go to the finish line is a lot to ask.

One of my best female friends Sandy had already accompanied me and voluteered to help however she could. But I also needed someone else to bounce things off of, who I could trust and who I would feel comfortable asking to be there for me too. I thought right away of Carol, but I also remembered how much she helps and cares for others already, to the point of exhaustion at time. I hesitate to ask her to find another piece of time for me when her plate is so full already, but I will.

So now I have Carol, Sandy and Walt as my chosen family to help get me through surgery and the first step. I can bounce ideas off of them, know they will get me to the hospital, provide comic relief, and the much needed support. I hope I won't talk about it too much and/or create any more problems in their lives than they already have but only time will tell.

After my birthday, I will start letting others know what is going on. In a small town, I won't have to tell too many before everyone will know and after surgery, I won't care who knows anyway! It will make the circle of help wider...at least, I hope it will.

Sure you want to go by yourself? 5-18-2010

Definitely! I have a feeling there will be some times in months ahead when I just might have to have someone help me get where I need to go. That is already difficult for me to imagine. So now, while I am perfectly capable I did not feel I needed anyone with me. This wasn't quite so easy to explain to my very caring friend.

I wanted to have a serious one on one talk with Dr. P so I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was the very best person for me to be and work with. Here is the synopsis I sent to my chosen family members after my meeting.

I am glad that I went to my appointment with Dr. P on my own today. There were some things I needed to say and I came with my questions in hand. We had a really good conversation and I can honestly say I feel comfortable...she even likes me! You'll just have to trust me on that. It's a feeling that I have and I get a lot from a person, their face, and their eyes. ;-)

I also read three different books since last Thursday, so some things actually made more sense to me this time, THANK GOODNESS! So here is how things went:

She explained that my pictures were shared at a review board meeting that just happened to take place on this day this month and was attended by radiologists, oncologists, and surgeons...nice and knowledgable combination for my kinda thing! LOL This was why I have been scheduled for another mammography (yes, I know it is my 3rd with an MRI in the mix too...such a complicated woman I am).

The radiologists all agreed that further pictures were necessary to ELIMINATE the idea that the little "specks" floating about in my left breast are cancerous calcifications. That could change things regarding treatment and my choices IF they are so they want to get some facts on those little guys right away. They now have my old films from WA so they have something to compare to and don't think they have changed but they want to be as sure as they can be.

IF more calcifications are discovered in the mammogram next week, another stereotactic biopsy like I've already had can be performed to remove and/or pinpoint them for removal as well. She really doesn't think we'll have to go there.

The results from the May 4 Biopsy & the basics:

My cancer is Invasive (or Infiltrating) ductal carcinoma, which about 80% of the breast cancers are. My mass is relatively small, so until they do the Sentinel Node procedure, they tentatively consider me at Stage 1

The hormone receptor test has been done which was POSITIVE and that is good.
But you know me, I like to give people a little bit of a challenge so...
The HER2 test is also POSITIVE, which is not good. This is a protein in my breast cancer the can make the cancer cells grow. About 25% of breast tumors have too much of this protein...guess who fell into that category? Lucky me!

They have discovered these so-called Herceptin tumors, even though they are small, tend to show up other places if they are not destroyed. Even though they are small, you still have to treat them. Several years ago, chemotherapy was ineffective against this type of tumor. Within the past few years, they have discovered that chemotherapy drugs and Herceptin can stop these cancer cells from growing and they have had wonderful results. I like the sound of that! So I would undergo what they refer to as Herceptin Therapy...surgery, then chemotherapy, then radiation...what a cocktail!!!

I have a copy of my pathology report...I have read it, we went over it together, and I checked the information.
We discussed talking to my primary care doctor about all this. She also suggested talking to her about who to get a second opinion from and to suggest names of oncologists I could talk to.
She suggested oncologists too and I can talk to them now if I want. Dr. Petty and the book from the ACS agree that they are more helpful after the sentinel node biopsy because then I have been "staged" (Stage 1, 2, 3 etc) and their treatment plan can be more specific and also speak to what side effects I may have to deal with.
She mentioned others but pointed out Dr. A and Dr. B, who I had already looked up on my insurance plan...younger doctors, both nice, and interested in quality of life things too.

Since we do not know at this point whether or not the cancer has already spread we discussed that today too. Here is how she explained where we go from here:


Lumpectomy/Sentinel Node Biopsy:

The radiologist will give an injection of a radioactive substance around the tumor. Dr. Petty will inject a blue dye and use a geiger counter to determine where to make the incision. The lymphatic fluid in that area will carry the radioactive substance and/or dye to the first node(s) in its path and help the surgeon locate the sentinel node(s). Once it's identified, the surgeon removes just those particular node(s). The pathologist will take a close look and see if the cancer has spread there. IF none are found, the surgeon can assume that the other nodes are free of cancer as well .
In my mind, that's where it will end so keep your focus on that. I don't want to lose any more lymph nodes! ;-)

With a lumpectomy, she will just remove the small mass and the immediate "margin" area. We are doing breast conservation so there is a treatment process to follow.


After Surgery:

Procedure: Herceptin treatment is close to a year. Because I have this "herceptin thing" as we called it, it flips my treatment plan around. Most go Radiation then Chemo, I do the opposite to make sure there isn't anything else there.

Surgery (explained above)

Chemotherapy: Everyone is different. Some will have problems, some won't. Not like 20 years ago. They have meds for the nausea, meds to keep your white blood cell count up to help fight infections, things are way better now. Likely to have hair loss, but she deferred and suggested I speak to the oncologist for specifics.

Radiation: With breast conservation and herceptin therapy, you must have radiation as part of your treatment too. This program will follow chemotherapy and consist of treatments for 5-6 weeks, 5 days a week, 10-15 minutes daily.

Personal Notes/comments from Dr. P:

"You were discussed at the tumor conference and they said "as long as she doesn't have any other calcifications she is a good candidate for a lumpectomy and yes she will need chemo." You were discussed by all the oncologists and they all agreed. That's why Dr. H, a radiologist, called and requested that I get the additional mammography, just to be certain on the calcifications."

"Ok, Dr. P, I have my questions and I've done my homework." "You've done an exceptional job. You are also calmer than most people. Some are so wound up that they can't think of anything. They can only focus on the word itself. It's hard to get them to be positive or to think about the next step. You're not like that, I don't have any issue."

"Are you thinking of the lumpectomy? I would, really. Your situation is good for it. I am going to tentatively set you up for surgery at Hackley and try for the first week in June, since that's your preference. It will take 7-10 days anyway. I have better luck at Hackley with sentinel nodes and localizations. After Memorial Day weekend will be fine."

So that is where I am right now. Yes, I made light of some things but I know this won't be easy, there will be some lousy times, but my mind has to stay in the brightest, sunniest, best place possible while I deal with the reality of it all.

You want me to do WHAT??? MRI time! 5/17/2010

I was also asked to have an MRI done at North Ottawa Community Hospital in Grand Haven and that was quite the experience.

First was the expected beginning of today's paper trail. Name, birthdate, insurance card and drivers license please. Another friendly nurse/receptionist who was working away at keeping me calm and unafraid of anything that might be coming.

I had seen the huge truck trailer on the backside of the hospital that indicated on the outside that it was the imagining unit. This was definitely going to be something to see.

After completing the paperwork, a new nurse called my name and escorted me back to a small room where my blood was drawn. I suggested we give the right arm a try since things had been done most recently on the left. Boy, was I wrong! I made the fist, she strapped it, and tapped away to find a good vein and it was showing up strongly...at first. When she placed the needle in, it was like it jumped out of the way! Talk about a vein that didn't want to donate, I had one. She was so apologetic and seemed embarassed, commenting that it was likely to bruise now and she was very disappointed. What's another bruise here or there, I replied.

She moved over to the other arm and I told her that one would likely pull through for her much better since it was more experienced! At least it made her chuckle a bit as she got about 3 vials worth easily from that vein. Ah, if it were oil we would have made money on that one!

After putting my little cotton and bandage on, she led me down the hall to again put my clothes into a locker and put on double gowns, first with the opening in the front, then a second one with the opening in the back. Much more coverage when sashshaying down the hospital corridors!

She came back for me and we headed down the hall further to where the trailer was placed and could be accessed. There was a loading platform because the opening was about 4 feet higher than the hospital floor. Pretty fun to get a little ride up to your appointment without being inside an elevator. The nurse placed my locker key on the counter and I took a quick right into the room with my new machine. It was a smaller version than the one I had seen on line and on television. A huge gray doughnut, just not as long and thick.

There was a female technician and the nurse who had remained with me. They explained the procedure, took my first robe off, and helped me get up on the platform. I had to open the other robe in the front so that my breast could be placed into the holes specifically for them. Then they added some foam forms to support my arms that were stretched out on either side of my head. My head had a head support so that I could look down into a hole that had a mirror underneath. WOW...I could "see" the technicians in front of me.

I selected classical music with headphones to go with the very loud sounds, they told me would be similar to a bang, thunk, whirr, and clang. As long as the technicians and the machine knew what needed to be done, I was content with my daydreams, my music, and just relaxing with my eyes closed as the gray doughnut first swallowed my feet first and then scanned my body.

At one point during the hour procedure, the technician stopped to tell me that about halfway through this test, they would inject a dye into my veins. I felt a bit start to flow, but never tasted any metal or felt the warmth beyond my arm.

Unfortunately, the dye didn't do what it was supposed to do because of a possible glitch in the line. They contacted a radiologist to see if they could redo the procedure since it did not seem much of the dye had actually been injected.

After waiting a few minutes for the radiologist to check my pictures, the technicians received approval to start again. They had explained everything to me, reassured me, and everything started again but successfully this time. I had an extra 15 minutes to enjoy the music, the daydreaming, and relax as best I could. Ah ha! I felt it flow this time!

When it was all done, my platform moved forward to get more of my body out from within the gray doughnut. The technicians began chatting away with me, taking off the foam pieces and carefully assisting me to get upright, which did take a little effort. When they were sure I was steady on my feet and no longer lightheaded, I thanked the main technician and my companion nurse and I left. We headed down the platform and back on hospital turf to get my clothes where I thanked my companion nurse who headed back to get another patient and I got dressed and left.

The gray doughnut was a good experience and I certainly won't be afraid to face that again if I ever have to. I give a lot of credit to the kindness and reassurances given by my companion nurse and the technician and the sense of humor we all kept through the whole thing.

And what is a good follow up for a doughnut? A cup of Starbucks coffee, of course, and being in Grand Haven, I knew exactly where to go. How lucky can a girl get at 11:00 in the morning?!

May 11...Dealing with the facts, first round

I brought my tape recorder this time and my friend Sandy. I was still reeling a bit from the news but felt I had a general idea of what I had, what was going on, and just wanted to hear what she had to say.

Dr. P very slowly went through the information in the Cancer book with me so that I could refer back to it at another time. The pathology report from the biopsy lists me as having Invasive Ductal Carcinoma in the upper quadrant of my left breast. It is deep and difficult to view seeming to be about 0.5cm in size. She placed a clip in the area within my breast to help identify the mass. My tumor is also Estrogen receptor positive (100% in fact) and progestrone receptor positive (70%). I am also HER2 positive which means my cancer cells divide more quickly which makes them more aggressive.

Usually people who receive chemotherapy with herceptin first, then radiation after surgery. The whole series is likely to take about a year to go through. I can receive my treatments right from the Johnson Center nearby and there are medical oncologists and radiation oncologists right there in the facility. Since I don't know who to choose, she said I could ask my family physician, friends, or she could suggest people as well. It would be a good idea to start thinking about who I would like to work with.

We discussed compiling a list of questions I may have for my next visit and we'll take things from there. All I want to do now is read all I can to find out what I need to do to get this started and get well!

As Sandy and I headed home, I had some goofy thoughts about the little clip hiding within. Was it plastic? Titanium? Would it set off the bells and whistles at the airport? How would I explaing it and better yet, how would they locate that little sucker? It made for a lighthearted and giggle filled ride back to Whitehall.

My cancer has its first name: Invasive/Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma May 10, 2010

No results on Friday, May 7 as expected because I got scared and impatient, was driving myself nuts, and desperately needed a diversion. Dr. P called and left a message at 3:45, less than an hour after I left to escape in a movie, Iron Man II. While I was enjoying the antics of Robert Downey Jr. and the wonders of Lucas magic, she let me know she called and said very little. I felt I already knew what she was going to say...

Kept myself busy throughout the weekend and anxiously awaited the call on Monday. She asked if I had been somewhat suspicious when people did not seem real eager to talk with me. Had to admit, that did reinforce my thinking. The words that I remember from her conversation were "it is cancer","you have invasive ductal carcinoma". I know we spoke about other things but I couldn't tell you anymore about what she said since everything else remains a bit of a blur. She suggested I come in and pick up a book they have for cancer patients because I might find it helpful before our meeting tomorrow and it is required by the state that it be reviewed with every cancer patient.

After I got off the phone, I took a moment to take it all in. Amazingly enough, I didn't cry. I focused on getting to her office, picking up the information, and starting to learn all I could and decide what I was going to do about it. It didn't take much to convince my dog, Foxy, that we needed a ride and we were off.

When I arrived at her office, the receptionist contacted the wonderfully kind and patient nurse who would also end up being part of my care team. We went into a room where we could speak privately and reviewed the book and other materials she had for me together. I had to sign a document that verified I had received the information as required by Michigan state law.

Arriving home, I finished reading the book and perusing the other pamphlets. I tried to make sense of it all but knew it was going to take time. I contacted two of my friends and let them know. That was very difficult for me. I contacted the American Cancer Society for the free materials they suggested to help me organize my "disease" and all the many, many things I was now going to have to keep track of. And I thought the appointments were troublesome enough! Too overwhelming tonight. I am certain it will be an interesting appointment tomorrow, that's for sure!

Meet the surgeon...oh, and how about a biopsy? 5/4/2010

I did not want anything to interfere with the fun I was having or cause me to neglect the work involved the weekend of April 23 and May 1. In all honesty, the dark cloud of "it may be my last chance to ever do anything like this again" floated around in my mind. I wanted to forget, to finish what I started, to have fun and I did my very best. I was exhausted and incredibly sensitive after the first concert weekend and I know that caused a dear friend of mine much confusion and some hurt feelings. I had one more weekend to go and I was beginning to think the 'what ifs' even though I tried to resist. I pushed even harder to keep busy.

Tuesday, May 4...No more reasons to put it off, no more distractions. Walked into the doctors office at 8:00. I liked Dr. P. She was direct, she listened, she talked with me about the pictures, the suspicions, the possibility there might be something to be concerned about but also reassured me that it could be a benign mass like the majority of them are. My particular mass wasn't a lump, it was small and difficult to see from some angles, which was why there were so many films.

She wanted to do the biopsy and find out if we actually may have something to worry about. Since this happened to be one of the days the in-house radiologist was on staff she went to talk with her and see if it might be possible to get it done that morning.

About 45 minutes later and with the help of the radiologist, I found myself lying face down on a short table (for me) that barely fit into the space. My left breast extending down through an opening and into something like the wide open jaws of a miniature gray mammo monster and my legs bent with my toes on the wall...more comfortable to me. I believe a topical was placed on my breast and when Dr. P arrived and took her place slightly below the table, she told me that there would also be some anesthetic in or on the needle. When the spot was identified by the computer, the needle would be guided into the tissue and take some samples. Each time should feel like little stings but not too painful. She continued to explain the entire process and I relaxed a little more, completely confident in her skills and assurances.

Well, the first two needle hits were like pin pricks and I felt this was going to be a piece of cake. It certainly provided no warning of the next three and even Dr. P was surprised by the pain that was caused me. I truly can not come up with the adequate words to express what it felt like each of those three times! This was seriously distressful to the point of tears and caused my entire body to tense up in anticipation of the next "hit". Tears filled the corners of my eyes, it was incredibly painful, and then just held on as best I could as she continued to apologize and encourage me. Thankfully the last two were only light pin pricks like the first.

Dr. P came around where she could look at me and talk about what had just been done, what may have caused such pain, and showed the sincerity in her apology and concern. She helped me understand what to expect afterwards, how to care for the bandaged the area, that I would get information to help remind me, and just generally made sure I was ok physically and mentally before she left the room to care for others. A lot of trust and respect for her took place in that moment I assure you.

The kind radiologist gave me a couple minutes, then helped me right myself so I could get off the table, get dressed, and return to the reception area where my friend Sandy sat patiently waiting. THAT was an experience I never want to repeat!

Throw in another mammogram in-between activities would ya? 4/16/2010

My friend and co-worker, Walt, had proposed a wonderful new Piano Extravaganza concert in the area. I had the privilege of helping to get it organized, arrange for tickets, do the letter writing, etc. I was thoroughly enjoying all the activity that and our upcoming Chorale concert was adding to my life. I was grateful to be busy almost every day, enjoyed socializing with my friends, and felt life was truly great in every way. I was tired at night but sometimes too wired to sleep any length of time. I'm a night owl and I enjoy it. Lots of quiet thinking and working time in the wee hours.

I received a letter on April 7th from breast imagining. Seems some of my pictures taken April 2 "showed a finding that requires additional imaging studies for a complete exam". I received a phone call from the department on the 12th and my surgeon's office that afternoon. They contacted the Breast Imagining Dept. at Mercy Hospital and informed me there was an opening on Friday, April 16. What else could I do but accept it? Couldn't shake the odd feeling that something might not be right with my world this time.

Time for the repeat performance: give your insurance card and drivers license; answer the usual questions; tell them who they can share your information with; sign a consent form; and down the hall to the dressing room you go. This one had a locker for my belongings and a waiting room with only one other person besides me. I was in quickly and pretty confident that I would be able to make a fast exit. After all, how many more pictures could they possibly need anyway?

My left breast was the featured attraction this time, the technician friendly, caring and very considerate of my discomfort. "Move a little here", "lean into the machine", "this may pinch a little"...yeah right, a little? How about a lot! Ouch! That one had my eyes closing and I was biting my lip. Something definitely isn't right here.

She viewed the pictures, I looked too. Seemed like a lot of white areas but I have dense breasts so I didn't think too much of it at first until my eyes were drawn to one area. There, slightly above center left, was a distinct white dot that seemed, thanks to my vivid imagination, to stare right back at me. Could that be something I should worry about? Should I be? My monkey mind began to toss thoughts back and forth about that white ink blot! Before I could obsess about it too much, the gray mammo monster released me from its jaws and the technician asked me to wait outside in the lounge area. She needed to have the films checked to make sure the doctors had the views they wanted.

The waiting area now had six other women in it. One was wearing a lovely head wrap because she no longer had her hair. Another was sharing her struggles trying to pay for her treatments since she didn't have any insurance, while another was 'one year clear' and was trying to keep the conversation in the room as light and positive as possible. In just those few minutes, reality stepped in. I was surrounded by women dealing with cancer. That was the first time I seriously thought, "what if my little dot is the problem and it is malignant? This could be me."

The technician called me in again, took a few more pictures, apologizing because of the location of the area the doctor was concered about and how difficult it was to get clearly. More pushing, squishing, leaning, holding your breath, and more discomfort. She asked me politely to have a seat in the waiting room again.

By now, three of the ladies were gone and it was quiet except for a television sitcom. What was likely just a few minutes, seemed like an hour to me. Thank goodness for some distraction from "Everybody Loves Raymond" reruns! She came back, apologized and asked for two more views, sure that would be it this time. The third time was the part that began to worry me. I know the technician was doing an excellent job. I saw the pictures and noticed that the little white ink blot was the featured attraction and in the pit of my stomach.

When the surgeons office called to schedule an appointment to review my pictures and arrange for a biopsy, I only asked it be after May 2nd. I needed to enjoy everything, finish all that I had started, celebrate with friends and audience members alike, and be present in each day as if there was absolutely nothing wrong inside my body. For those two weeks, I did my best to forget about that white ink blot on my films because there wasn't anything I could do about it anyway.

Mammogram One: The Lakes 4/2/2010

Well, that didn't take any time at all! I had just arrived at home from my first visit to the doctor when I received a call asking if I would be willing to go to the Lakes office for my mammogram at 8:15 Friday. Even though that's usually about the time I get up, now that I'm retired and don't have to crawl out at 5am anymore, I agreed. Thought it was pretty amazing to get an appointment that quickly...didn't dawn on me there might be another reason for the rush.

Arrived on time at the clinic to fill out the paper work, did the usual walk down the hall to locate the dressing room, get the instructions and find a seat to warm and wait. Don't you just love the gowns? I wonder who designs them? Maybe Project Runway should have that as a challenge? At least these are the waist-up versions that tie in the front. You don't have to worry about those full length models and feeling the air on your backside!

I was ushered in and placed before the "big gray mammo monster", my description of the breast squishing mammogram machine. Granted, it is much more accommodating than the older versions, can move around you rather than having you perform pretzel like positions, and has a variety of settings so your chances of getting squeezed to the point of screaming has lessened substantially over the years.

The technician was very friendly but most importantly, she was gentle. She carefully helped make sure I was placed correctly, as comfortable as was reasonably possible, and she explained every step to me. She truly did her best. But putting my breast where a clear plastic "paddle" is lowered on top of it with the intention of compressing it to look more like a thick pancake is just not the most pleasant or ideal experience no matter how kind the technician! Which ever one was pushed, placed, lifted, and squashed, neither was very comfortable. She took the usual number of pictures, checked them, and released me to return to the sanctity of the dressing room where I dressed in record time and made my escape until next year...or so I thought!

How it all began...First stop Family Physician 3/29/2010

It's been about 3 months now since I made the decision to find a doctor, get a physical, and get back on schedule like I used to be before I moved here three years ago. What's a girl to do when well meaning friends and acquaintances all have the "perfect doctor" for you to go to? Add to that some of them disliked the ones recommended and you have a state of confusion!

I finally took the advice of my long time friend Sandy, called a clinic and made an appointment. I met with Dr. S and made a pretty good connection. Of course it did help to know she had spent four years in my home state of Washington so we had something else to chat about before we got down to business. She totally gets the concept of missing mountains...real mountains!

After all the usual exam checks and female yearly checks, I mentioned that I had been having some pain and discomfort in my breasts. I told her I had not had a mammogram since I left Washington so she requested one be scheduled for me. She did an exam again on my breasts but did not feel any distinct lump.

I left feeling glad that I found a doctor, had the pap smear and would shortly have the mammogram, my blood pressure was fabulous, and I seemingly didn't have a health care in the world! Within a week, that would all change.

1. Why a Blog and a Note to my Friends 6/12/2010

This is not something I planned to do when I first heard the diagnosis. A private person like me putting my life right out there...the good, the bad, and the ugly? I must be nuts!

My intention is to learn and grow stronger from my own thoughts and feelings as well as my mistakes; to share my highs, lows and inbetweens with those who love and care about me as well as other breast cancer babes, caregivers, and acquaintances; to give everyone a glimpse into this very complicated medical experience; to keep my very dear chosen family and caring friends informed as to what my schedule is, what I am experiencing, and what's rattling around in my head. Most importantly, I am sharing my unique experience that I continually find to be filled with many unknowns. Because of life events, over which I had little or no control, it is basically my dog and I facing this challenge a good portion of the time. So trying to convince myself that with the love of my friends I am not really alone is sometimes a difficult challenge when each day reality speaks otherwise.

It is possible my illness, your choices, and any responsibilities I ask you to share with me may take their toll on you and quite possibly our relationship. You may need to step back and take a breather for awhile and believe me, I will understand (maybe not right at first, but eventually).

No matter how far you go on this journey with me and no matter what the outcome for either of us, do know I am grateful for every minute you spend, every thought and prayer for me, every patient moment you give me, each honest thought you share, every bit of laughter and warmth you bring to my life, and most of all, for every bit of love in words or kindnesses and the quiet reassurance I feel in every hug. You are my caring angels...I can't begin to tell you how very blessed I am to have found you and I thank you for helping me continue to live!


From my heart to yours,

Donalee