Today's decision and letter to my "family"

This is not a complaint, or a dissertation...it is a decision.

Sunday night, I got 3 hours sleep. Monday I was up all night. When a friend visited today, I was jabbering away and talking about things I haven't for ages. She was more than gracious and working to stay awake...see how interesting it all was? But it was ridiculous. The reason I mention this is after she left, one would think I could sleep after all I have lacked and after a constant hour of seemingly mindless babble. I slept less than 90 minutes and I am exhausted! The coughing is back, the nose stuffy, the head warm...I lie down and breathing becomes difficult. This is NO LONGER acceptable!

I have spent the last 5 hours doing research, just like I did last May and June. It's a crap shoot, but the overall odds are well in my favor. I am tired of being tired and getting nowhere. A 12% recurrence rate is pretty small, there are no guarantees anyway, and I found MANY research items and other bits of documentation that support my feelings. There is no scientific evidence that stopping a treatment, with or without a physicians support and/or approval, especially as sporatically as I've been doing it lately anyway, will create any problems. In fact, in most cases, women have found marked improvements in both their physical health and well-being and a return to a "new normal" within a month or two...anything would beat the present. Being sick for months is not living.

I haven't taken my Arimidex for two days anyway and I'm not planning to for at least two months. Now you know. It is my decision and I accept full responsibility for the outcome including any consequences. I am going to increase my Vitamin D and Calcium and continue, as I have, to keep the sugar at a minimum which can spike my hot flashes. Those should subside in a few weeks...we'll see. I will also contact my family doctor and go from there.

Aromatase Inhibitors have only been around in this decade...long term effects are not really known as yet. They are considered Chemotherapy drugs and I am chosing to forego them. http://www.chemocare.com/MANAGING/pneumonitis.asp IF cancer comes back, it was out there in my body anyway and would eventually return if that is meant to be. But this existence is just that...an existence. And that is no longer acceptable.

Because you've all been there for me, continue to be and have had more patience than I could ask from anyone, I am sharing this with you and asking for your continued love and support. I have absolutely NO DOUBT that this is the right decision. I ask you to continue and support me in this decision as you have in the past. I will keep my appointments in April and June and we'll see what the tests say.

Things are not right and I have to trust in myself that again, it may not be the most popular decision in the minds of others, possibly even you, but it IS the correct one for me. It is also not a decision made quickly or lightly, I've had the past few months to see how things are...and they are not what I want my life, or what's left of it, to be. Only time will tell...

Thank you, my friends, for "listening" and I hope you will walk with me as I take another path.

A little background

I started Arimidex in mid October. By mid November, I noted a marked change in my health, basically the return of colds, sore throats, etc that I haven't had as frequent since leaving that old, but loved, musty house on Matthews Drive in Bremerton or River Street here in Whitehall.

I worked on all my activities with support of my wonderful chosen family and friends back here. But after each big event, I was totally exhausted!

Since the second week in December, I have struggled through at least FOUR bouts with some type of cold/flu. It has been difficult to face friends and activities when I have to start with "I'm not feeling real well..." Too frequent for my taste.

I am joyfully involved in the Piano Extravaganza and work with the Chorale once again but began to struggle with the schedule and activities. About 2 weeks ago, I was struck with a very bad headache, stuffy head, fever, and a reoccuring coughing situation that made sleeping almost non-existent. Days with 4 hours or less...tough to get well when your body gets no time to rest.

My "family" has been concerned...I have as well and the coughing spells became so bad, I could not breathe. Last Monday, I went to the Urgent Care in Grand Haven. She diagnosed me with "pneumonitis" and also said I was within days of full blown pneumonia. This is NOT me.

When I got home with my predisone, z-pack, and two inhalers, I read the definition of pneumonitis and also noted that it is sometimes a complication from lung and/or breast cancer. BC rears it's ugly head once again. Inflammation and infection in the lungs; infection that was just built upon with one illness to another...I am STILL struggling with an embarrasing and painful cough that can go for 20 seconds at a time, sometimes longer. It frequently interferes with my sleep...another thing to create havoc with my health.

This is not living well...this is just existing and it is NOT ok.