Wednesday when I was at the Book Nook, a very sweet lady greeted my friend Sandy. Seems they hadn't seen each other in quite awhile and were connecting. I was being my gregarious self around the place when Sandy called me over asking me to meet someone. She said, "Rosemary was hoping to finally meet you. She had known Jim for many, many years."
She took my hand and said, "Jim was such a truly wonderful man, but I'm sure you've heard that many, many times" to which I responded that I always love hearing stories or thoughts from people who knew him and meeting another one of his many friends.
She then said, "You have done so many different and wonderful things since coming to this community. I have no doubt that Jim would be so very proud of you and all that you have done. He loved the White Lake area so. I hoped to have the chance to one day meet you and here you are." That was special...It is nice to know that beyond the obvious individuals, most people who knew Jim think of me fondly and know that I want only to do good and giving things.
On October 10 this year, had we have both been alive and well, I have no doubt we would have enjoyed celebrating our 30th Anniversary . November 9 makes the 4th year since he moved on to the Other Side...I still miss him but I know he is never far.
Everyone walks into our lives for a reason. I have some who are still with me after many years and always find a way to keep touch. Some have been in for a short while and now are a memory. Some have entered and I hope they will be with me until I am no more. But what I do know, each of these special people has or will continue to leave a footprint on my heart and have helped me be who I am today and who I will be tomorrow. I am grateful to and blessed by all.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Moving Right Along Sunday, October 24, 2010
The breast is now brown...better tan than I had all summer! Of course, that part usually doesn't get the sun but it is noticably quite a dark brown. Underneath the skin is peeling so there are brown spots and open white areas. Very difficult to describe actually but there are changes in some way each day.
I started my Arimidex last Tuesday and so far have not had any difficulty with dizziness or anything else until Thursday morning. But that was not due to the medication but to a head cold/sinus infection that I am still blessed with. I have spent most of the past four days very quiet, due to the cough that occurs whenever I speak, and because I am so tired.
Already had permission to take Nyquil for sleeping. I had not been using it lately, so it was my first weapon against my sinuses. My head was light, chest hurt when I coughed, throat too. So, it was time to get some rest so my body had a chance for a fair fight.
Saturday morning, mucus was finally loosening in my nose and from the mix and coloration of the mucus, I knew I'd had an infection too. No wonder my head felt light and my sinuses so heavy! Got some new Nyquil, warm with honey lemon and specifically for congestion, and that seems to be breaking things up. The cough is less, but I haven't said more than 10 minutes worth since Thursday. We'll see how things go.
I see Dr. Alquire, my oncologist, on Nov. 3 and we'll talk about flu shots, etc. A friend said my immune system is likely not as strong as it has been. Learning...always learning!
Off to rest now.
I started my Arimidex last Tuesday and so far have not had any difficulty with dizziness or anything else until Thursday morning. But that was not due to the medication but to a head cold/sinus infection that I am still blessed with. I have spent most of the past four days very quiet, due to the cough that occurs whenever I speak, and because I am so tired.
Already had permission to take Nyquil for sleeping. I had not been using it lately, so it was my first weapon against my sinuses. My head was light, chest hurt when I coughed, throat too. So, it was time to get some rest so my body had a chance for a fair fight.
Saturday morning, mucus was finally loosening in my nose and from the mix and coloration of the mucus, I knew I'd had an infection too. No wonder my head felt light and my sinuses so heavy! Got some new Nyquil, warm with honey lemon and specifically for congestion, and that seems to be breaking things up. The cough is less, but I haven't said more than 10 minutes worth since Thursday. We'll see how things go.
I see Dr. Alquire, my oncologist, on Nov. 3 and we'll talk about flu shots, etc. A friend said my immune system is likely not as strong as it has been. Learning...always learning!
Off to rest now.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Still Cooking Friday, October 8, 2010
I never got REALLY red from radiation during the first five weeks and considered myself fortunate. The last 5 rads those final five days were pretty intense and I got a "sunburn", under my arm, my breast and speckled across the top. My Dr says the radiation continues to "cook" (my term, not his) within the breast for a few weeks, which is why there is swelling, tenderness, warmth, and the breast continues to change.
Recently I've experienced shooting pains. At first they were described as the nerve endings that were severed and they are healing and getting their feeling back. At times, this feels like the pain I experienced when I finally decided something was wrong in March and scheduled a mammogram for the first part of April. That unnerves me at times along with the thought of those little tentacles of the lobular carcinoma reaching out all over again.
Honestly, it is frequently very uncomfortable, quite painful actually. It can come on unexpectedly and continue for hours. I am usually a left side sleeper, was able to sleep on that side again for awhile, but lately it has been too painful.
Tuesday and Wednesday night, my one sleeping pill each evening didn't work, causing me to wake up three or four times in the night. Not wanting to repeat the effects of sleep deprivation suffered the week before, I took two sleeping pills last night and got about 7 hours. Not great, but better since it was uninterrupted. Unfortunately, I woke up because of the discomfort in my breast and the fact I was again sleeping on my left side.
The appearance of the breast is substantially worse than it was on my last day, Thursday, Sept. 30. There is some peeling skin, brown and red areas, rippling, and distortion. It is somewhat painful to the touch and, as I said, the ache is there off and on throughout the day, sometimes intense enough to give me pause, and I can take quite a bit.
I went to several reputable cancer websites and checked the discussion boards. There is some comfort reading that many other women are enduring the same. Doesn't make it any easier though. I am occasionally taking ibuprophen, but not regularly yet. I know I may need it big time later!
Every day is an adventure, a new symptom, a pain that's unfamiliar, an area that is different from how it looked yesterday. Guess I'll just sum it up by saying, "Still cooking...radioactive woman active in more ways than one!"
Recently I've experienced shooting pains. At first they were described as the nerve endings that were severed and they are healing and getting their feeling back. At times, this feels like the pain I experienced when I finally decided something was wrong in March and scheduled a mammogram for the first part of April. That unnerves me at times along with the thought of those little tentacles of the lobular carcinoma reaching out all over again.
Honestly, it is frequently very uncomfortable, quite painful actually. It can come on unexpectedly and continue for hours. I am usually a left side sleeper, was able to sleep on that side again for awhile, but lately it has been too painful.
Tuesday and Wednesday night, my one sleeping pill each evening didn't work, causing me to wake up three or four times in the night. Not wanting to repeat the effects of sleep deprivation suffered the week before, I took two sleeping pills last night and got about 7 hours. Not great, but better since it was uninterrupted. Unfortunately, I woke up because of the discomfort in my breast and the fact I was again sleeping on my left side.
The appearance of the breast is substantially worse than it was on my last day, Thursday, Sept. 30. There is some peeling skin, brown and red areas, rippling, and distortion. It is somewhat painful to the touch and, as I said, the ache is there off and on throughout the day, sometimes intense enough to give me pause, and I can take quite a bit.
I went to several reputable cancer websites and checked the discussion boards. There is some comfort reading that many other women are enduring the same. Doesn't make it any easier though. I am occasionally taking ibuprophen, but not regularly yet. I know I may need it big time later!
Every day is an adventure, a new symptom, a pain that's unfamiliar, an area that is different from how it looked yesterday. Guess I'll just sum it up by saying, "Still cooking...radioactive woman active in more ways than one!"
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Such an itty bitty teeny little white pill Thursday, Oct. 7, 2010
WOW! That's about all that came to mind when I took the prescription bottle out of the envelope and looked inside. I felt like, if I sneezed those 30 little pills would enter the air and circulate like dandelion parachutes! Well, maybe they aren't THAT small, but for something that has such an important job as keeping the estrogen away from the receptors so the cancer can't grow, they didn't look like they'd have much punch. Then I started reading the one and a half pages of font size 10 type that listed all the specific instructions but, as it said at the end, "this is a summary only and does not contain all the information about this medicine."
"It works by lowering blood estradiol concentrations, which may decrease the size and growth of the tumor." Hmmmmm
"Tell your doctor or pharmacist if you are: taking any prescription or non prescription medicine, herbal preparations, or dietary supplements." So much for just picking things out at the drug store.
The first line under IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION: "This medicine may cause dizziness. Use this medicine with caution. Do not drive or perform other possibly unsafe tasks until you know how you react to it." Of course I'm not going to have any dizziness, I decided. But if I do, there's a whole new can of worms to deal with! Sheesh!
We won't even mention the additional list of side effects. I know they have to include every possibility because of law suits, but good grief!
A few more pages of information from my prescription drug program ending with a form to reorder on or after Dec. 15. Each one of my little pills is worth $1.00 each, generic version. The original Arimidex pills prior to July 2010, cost $102.00 each. Merry Christmas for sure!
I am not starting this prescription until after my football game weekend, October 16. One, because I'm not sure about the driving part and I have to get to Ann Arbor, a little over 200 miles and about 3 hours away. Two, there is quite a bit of information in other articles regarding having any alcohol and taking this drug. Have to have a chat with the doctor and get some clarification here. Even though it's been several weeks since I have had any alcohol, I am looking forward to a beer or two that weekend with one of my friends. Add to that most beer contains hops which includes estrogen and may be on my "no no" list afterwards? Bummer! I've got a week to figure this out and decide on a starting date. I won't wait too long.
One of the other warnings on the label states you need to be talking with your medical doctor if you stop the dose or if more than one dose is missed accidentally. For someone who never got the hang of taking daily vitamins and who even missed a birth control pill now and then and had to "catch up", this is going to be a bigger challenge than you can imagine! Add to this that they require that it be taken as close to the same time as possible every day. When you don't have a regular work schedule or life, for that matter, that will be interesting too.
It takes 30 days to adopt a habit...these first 30 days are going to be a real test. I think I seriously need to teach Foxy how to say, "Hey Mom, did you take your pill this morning?" Her training begins next week ;-)
"It works by lowering blood estradiol concentrations, which may decrease the size and growth of the tumor." Hmmmmm
"Tell your doctor or pharmacist if you are: taking any prescription or non prescription medicine, herbal preparations, or dietary supplements." So much for just picking things out at the drug store.
The first line under IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION: "This medicine may cause dizziness. Use this medicine with caution. Do not drive or perform other possibly unsafe tasks until you know how you react to it." Of course I'm not going to have any dizziness, I decided. But if I do, there's a whole new can of worms to deal with! Sheesh!
We won't even mention the additional list of side effects. I know they have to include every possibility because of law suits, but good grief!
A few more pages of information from my prescription drug program ending with a form to reorder on or after Dec. 15. Each one of my little pills is worth $1.00 each, generic version. The original Arimidex pills prior to July 2010, cost $102.00 each. Merry Christmas for sure!
I am not starting this prescription until after my football game weekend, October 16. One, because I'm not sure about the driving part and I have to get to Ann Arbor, a little over 200 miles and about 3 hours away. Two, there is quite a bit of information in other articles regarding having any alcohol and taking this drug. Have to have a chat with the doctor and get some clarification here. Even though it's been several weeks since I have had any alcohol, I am looking forward to a beer or two that weekend with one of my friends. Add to that most beer contains hops which includes estrogen and may be on my "no no" list afterwards? Bummer! I've got a week to figure this out and decide on a starting date. I won't wait too long.
One of the other warnings on the label states you need to be talking with your medical doctor if you stop the dose or if more than one dose is missed accidentally. For someone who never got the hang of taking daily vitamins and who even missed a birth control pill now and then and had to "catch up", this is going to be a bigger challenge than you can imagine! Add to this that they require that it be taken as close to the same time as possible every day. When you don't have a regular work schedule or life, for that matter, that will be interesting too.
It takes 30 days to adopt a habit...these first 30 days are going to be a real test. I think I seriously need to teach Foxy how to say, "Hey Mom, did you take your pill this morning?" Her training begins next week ;-)
Sunday, October 3, 2010
A Type of Chemotherapy...learning all the time! Oct. 2, 2010
I decided that since I have a little break before my anastrozole arrives, I needed to learn a little more about it. Imagine my surprise when I found it listed under Chemotherapy drugs on several websites. It goes by Hormonal Therapy and Adjuvant Therapy but there it was, large as life, as a "type" of Chemotherapy drug. At least it isn't done intravenously but it will be an adventure that is for sure.
When I was getting ready for radiation, I went through all the good comments as well as the negative ones, wanting to know what the worst possible scenerio was so I wouldn't be scared or surprised if it happened. Well, lucky for me, I didn't end up with bad burns and blisters and was very grateful.
This time, the one I am most concerned about is in regards to the possibly crippling effects dealing with my knee, to top of my left foot and the lower lumbar region of my back. All these areas have been injured, they have some calcification and arthritis in various stages and can be a target for this medication. It can tend to affect the bones, cause pains in the joints (as well as the spine), and wreak a little havoc here. I have had my bone density test already as the starting point and many of you know, my knee has hung in there for a long time but is definitely showing signs of needing replacement. Just want to hold myself together a little bit longer! LOL
My doctors drug of choice for me is called Anastrozole and is often marketed under the company name, Arimidex. Luckily, as you read earlier, a generic variety came to be in July so my very expensive medication is a reasonable $10.00 a month now, thank goodness, and will come in the mail. This little chemotherapy drug wannabe is my new friend daily for the next five years.
Most say, "You are so lucky. Just a pill to take, that is great!" And I am hoping that will be all there is to it. But remember, I seek out all that I can find before starting each part of this craziness and there's more to this little drug than meets the eye. Cancer is NOT easy...not in its medications, its emotional effects, and it just stays with you. Once you know it's been there, it can come visit at any time. I admire even more the people who have been living with theirs for years!
IF I am lucky, there will be very few, if any, side effects and only those close to me will know I am letting that drug wander around inside my body and try to choke out the estrogen anywhere it can be made or found.
IF the side effects become too much, too uncomfortable, there are alternatives. I have talked with those closest to me and shared before I decide anything, we'll discuss it, I'll get their opinion, then possibly try one of the other aromatase inhibitors and see if that is better. BUT either medication makes it too painful to walk, keeps me from driving or interferes with my quality of life, that's it! I'm on my own here and there are more things to consider. So, we are all taking it a month at a time. No side effects, or manageable ones...no problem and I'll swallow that little pill happily each day.
Following this post, I will put in the information on Anastrozole so you can see why I am thinking ahead just in case. Yes, I know my doctor recommended it because she has confidence in the drug for women my age and early stage breast cancer and believes that the side effects and risks outweigh what could happen going without it. But I am also that rarer form of breast cancer and the one that seems to do things unexpectedly sometimes, so we'll just keep watching, stay positive, and do whatever it takes to keep the cancer cells from growing and finding a new home someplace else in my body. And with all the encouragement and positive vibes I am receiving from everyone, hopefully this will be manageable too.
When I was getting ready for radiation, I went through all the good comments as well as the negative ones, wanting to know what the worst possible scenerio was so I wouldn't be scared or surprised if it happened. Well, lucky for me, I didn't end up with bad burns and blisters and was very grateful.
This time, the one I am most concerned about is in regards to the possibly crippling effects dealing with my knee, to top of my left foot and the lower lumbar region of my back. All these areas have been injured, they have some calcification and arthritis in various stages and can be a target for this medication. It can tend to affect the bones, cause pains in the joints (as well as the spine), and wreak a little havoc here. I have had my bone density test already as the starting point and many of you know, my knee has hung in there for a long time but is definitely showing signs of needing replacement. Just want to hold myself together a little bit longer! LOL
My doctors drug of choice for me is called Anastrozole and is often marketed under the company name, Arimidex. Luckily, as you read earlier, a generic variety came to be in July so my very expensive medication is a reasonable $10.00 a month now, thank goodness, and will come in the mail. This little chemotherapy drug wannabe is my new friend daily for the next five years.
Most say, "You are so lucky. Just a pill to take, that is great!" And I am hoping that will be all there is to it. But remember, I seek out all that I can find before starting each part of this craziness and there's more to this little drug than meets the eye. Cancer is NOT easy...not in its medications, its emotional effects, and it just stays with you. Once you know it's been there, it can come visit at any time. I admire even more the people who have been living with theirs for years!
IF I am lucky, there will be very few, if any, side effects and only those close to me will know I am letting that drug wander around inside my body and try to choke out the estrogen anywhere it can be made or found.
IF the side effects become too much, too uncomfortable, there are alternatives. I have talked with those closest to me and shared before I decide anything, we'll discuss it, I'll get their opinion, then possibly try one of the other aromatase inhibitors and see if that is better. BUT either medication makes it too painful to walk, keeps me from driving or interferes with my quality of life, that's it! I'm on my own here and there are more things to consider. So, we are all taking it a month at a time. No side effects, or manageable ones...no problem and I'll swallow that little pill happily each day.
Following this post, I will put in the information on Anastrozole so you can see why I am thinking ahead just in case. Yes, I know my doctor recommended it because she has confidence in the drug for women my age and early stage breast cancer and believes that the side effects and risks outweigh what could happen going without it. But I am also that rarer form of breast cancer and the one that seems to do things unexpectedly sometimes, so we'll just keep watching, stay positive, and do whatever it takes to keep the cancer cells from growing and finding a new home someplace else in my body. And with all the encouragement and positive vibes I am receiving from everyone, hopefully this will be manageable too.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Some information about Anastrozole and possible side effects
Chemotherapy for Breast Cancer: An Overview
Breast cancer research suggests that even if a lump is small, cancer cells may have spread outside the breast. Chemotherapy refers to drugs that travel throughout the body to slow the growth of these cancer cells or kill them if possible. Often, the drugs are injected into the bloodstream through an intravenous (IV) needle that is inserted into a vein. Some chemotherapy drugs are given as pills.
What Is Adjuvant Therapy for Breast Cancer?
Researchers have been studying breast cancer for many years to learn how best to treat this disease. They have given special attention to ways to prevent breast cancer from recurring (returning) after primary treatment.
Scientists once thought that breast cancer metastasizes (spreads) first to nearby tissue and then to underarm lymph nodes before spreading to other parts of the body. They now believe that cancer cells may break away from the primary tumor in the breast and begin to metastasize even when the disease is in an early stage.
Adjuvant therapy for breast cancer is treatment given in addition to the primary therapy (surgery and radiation) to kill any cancer cells that may have spread, even if the spread cannot be detected by radiologic or laboratory tests. Studies have shown that such treatment may increase the chance of long-term survival by preventing a recurrence.
Types of Adjuvant Therapy for Breast Cancer
Arimidex (Generic name: Anastrozole) has been approved as a first-line chemotherapy drug to treat advanced breast cancer in postmenopausal women. It is used in both adjuvant therapy (i.e. following surgery) and in metastatic breast cancer. Arimidex is an effective hormonal treatment used for all forms and stages of estrogen receptor positive breast cancer. Anastrozole is a non-steroidal aromatase inhibitor (AI) that works by lowering estrogen hormone levels to help shrink tumors and slow their growth. Take Arimidex exactly as it was prescribed for you.
Hormone therapy
Drugs in this category are sex hormones, or hormone-like drugs, that alter the action or production of female or male hormones. They are used to slow the growth of breast, prostate, and endometrial (uterine) cancers, which normally grow in response to natural hormones in the body. These cancer treatment hormones do not work in the same ways as standard chemotherapy drugs, but rather by preventing the cancer cell from using the hormone it needs to grow, or by preventing the body from making the hormones.
Examples include:
The anti-estrogens -- fulvestrant (Faslodex®), tamoxifen, and toremifene (Fareston®)
Aromatase inhibitors -- anastrozole (Arimidex®), exemestane (Aromasin®), and letrozole (Femara®)
How Anastroloze Works:
Hormones are chemical substances that are produced by glands in the body, which enter the bloodstream and cause effects in other tissues. The use of hormone therapy to treat cancer is based on the observation that receptors for specific hormones that are needed for cell growth are on the surface of some tumor cells. Hormone therapies work by stopping the production of a certain hormone, blocking hormone receptors, or substituting chemically similar agents for the active hormone, which cannot be used by the tumor cell. The different types of hormone therapies are categorized by their function and/or the type of hormone that is effected.
Anastozole is an aromatase inhibitor. This means it blocks the enzyme aromatase (found in the body's muscle, skin, breast and fat), which is used to convert androgens (hormones produced by the adrenal glands) into estrogen. In the absence of estrogen, tumors dependent on this hormone for growth will shrink.
How do I say this name?
an-AS-troe-zole
How do I take this medicine?
Anastrozole is taken by mouth with or without food.
How do I store this medicine?
Store anastrozole tablets at room temperature away from heat, moisture, and direct light.
Are there any special things I should do while on this medicine?
Tell your doctor, nurse, or pharmacist right away if you vomit within 1-2 hours of taking anastrozole.
What if I miss a dose?
Take the missed dose right away if you skip or forget to take a dose of anastrozole. If it is almost time for the next dose, do not take the missed dose but return to your regular schedule. Do not increase your dose to make up for a missed dose.
What side effects are common with this medicine?
Hot flashes (sudden sweating or feelings of warmth)
Weakness and tiredness
Mental depression or mood swings
Headache or dizziness
Back pain, bone pain, or pelvic pain
Nausea, vomiting, or loss of appetite
Diarrhea or constipation
When should I call my doctor?
Call your doctor if you are worried about a side effect or have questions about your medical care.
Anastrozole might change how you think, feel, or act. Call your doctor if you or your family are worried about the way you are feeling or acting.
Call the doctor at once if you have any of these side effects:
Symptoms of allergic reactions :
Skin rash, hives, or itching
Shortness of breath, wheezing, or trouble breathing
Tightness of throat or chest
Flushing or redness of skin (especially the face or neck)
Fast or irregular heartbeat
Mental depression or mood swings
Symptoms of blood clots:
Sudden or severe headache
Sudden loss of coordination
Pain in chest, legs, or groin
Sudden slurring of speech
Sudden or unexplained shortness of breath
Sudden loss or change in vision
Weakness or numbness in arms or legs
Call the doctor as soon as you can if you have any of these side effects:
Increased tumor or bone pain
Breakthrough bleeding or spotting
Increased or decreased menstrual bleeding
Irregular or missed menstrual periods
Symptoms of fluid retention:
Swelling of feet or lower legs
Rapid weight gain or bloating
Trouble breathing at rest
Swollen or bloated belly
Are there side effects from this medicine after I finish my chemotherapy?
Long-term therapy with anastrozole may increase the risk of getting endometrial cancer. It is important to get routine pelvic exams. Tell your doctor about any abnormal vaginal bleeding, change in vaginal discharge, or pelvic pain or pressure.
The adverse effects listed are important and common ones that patients might experience; every possible adverse effect is not included.
Last Reviewed: June 18, 2009
From the Cancer Chemotherapy Manual, © 2004-2007, University of Utah Hospitals and Clinics, Salt Lake City,UT. Published by Facts and Comparisons, St Louis, MO, www.drugfacts.com
If this list of side effects looks extensive and overwhelming, then I should tell you this is one of the SHORTER lists that I found! LOL
Of course, I AM NOT expecting ANY of these to occur, but it is better to have researched to see what MIGHT be around the corner, than get hit with something head on and not be prepared.
At least the medical system covered all their bases "just in case" and that's the way I look at this. BUT...should one, some or many occur, we'll see what I can live with and what begins to make me give up too much and go from there.
I am as positive about this as I can be. Now you know some of what I know. It's just another little ripple...Have a great week! ;-)
Breast cancer research suggests that even if a lump is small, cancer cells may have spread outside the breast. Chemotherapy refers to drugs that travel throughout the body to slow the growth of these cancer cells or kill them if possible. Often, the drugs are injected into the bloodstream through an intravenous (IV) needle that is inserted into a vein. Some chemotherapy drugs are given as pills.
What Is Adjuvant Therapy for Breast Cancer?
Researchers have been studying breast cancer for many years to learn how best to treat this disease. They have given special attention to ways to prevent breast cancer from recurring (returning) after primary treatment.
Scientists once thought that breast cancer metastasizes (spreads) first to nearby tissue and then to underarm lymph nodes before spreading to other parts of the body. They now believe that cancer cells may break away from the primary tumor in the breast and begin to metastasize even when the disease is in an early stage.
Adjuvant therapy for breast cancer is treatment given in addition to the primary therapy (surgery and radiation) to kill any cancer cells that may have spread, even if the spread cannot be detected by radiologic or laboratory tests. Studies have shown that such treatment may increase the chance of long-term survival by preventing a recurrence.
Types of Adjuvant Therapy for Breast Cancer
Arimidex (Generic name: Anastrozole) has been approved as a first-line chemotherapy drug to treat advanced breast cancer in postmenopausal women. It is used in both adjuvant therapy (i.e. following surgery) and in metastatic breast cancer. Arimidex is an effective hormonal treatment used for all forms and stages of estrogen receptor positive breast cancer. Anastrozole is a non-steroidal aromatase inhibitor (AI) that works by lowering estrogen hormone levels to help shrink tumors and slow their growth. Take Arimidex exactly as it was prescribed for you.
Hormone therapy
Drugs in this category are sex hormones, or hormone-like drugs, that alter the action or production of female or male hormones. They are used to slow the growth of breast, prostate, and endometrial (uterine) cancers, which normally grow in response to natural hormones in the body. These cancer treatment hormones do not work in the same ways as standard chemotherapy drugs, but rather by preventing the cancer cell from using the hormone it needs to grow, or by preventing the body from making the hormones.
Examples include:
The anti-estrogens -- fulvestrant (Faslodex®), tamoxifen, and toremifene (Fareston®)
Aromatase inhibitors -- anastrozole (Arimidex®), exemestane (Aromasin®), and letrozole (Femara®)
How Anastroloze Works:
Hormones are chemical substances that are produced by glands in the body, which enter the bloodstream and cause effects in other tissues. The use of hormone therapy to treat cancer is based on the observation that receptors for specific hormones that are needed for cell growth are on the surface of some tumor cells. Hormone therapies work by stopping the production of a certain hormone, blocking hormone receptors, or substituting chemically similar agents for the active hormone, which cannot be used by the tumor cell. The different types of hormone therapies are categorized by their function and/or the type of hormone that is effected.
Anastozole is an aromatase inhibitor. This means it blocks the enzyme aromatase (found in the body's muscle, skin, breast and fat), which is used to convert androgens (hormones produced by the adrenal glands) into estrogen. In the absence of estrogen, tumors dependent on this hormone for growth will shrink.
How do I say this name?
an-AS-troe-zole
How do I take this medicine?
Anastrozole is taken by mouth with or without food.
How do I store this medicine?
Store anastrozole tablets at room temperature away from heat, moisture, and direct light.
Are there any special things I should do while on this medicine?
Tell your doctor, nurse, or pharmacist right away if you vomit within 1-2 hours of taking anastrozole.
What if I miss a dose?
Take the missed dose right away if you skip or forget to take a dose of anastrozole. If it is almost time for the next dose, do not take the missed dose but return to your regular schedule. Do not increase your dose to make up for a missed dose.
What side effects are common with this medicine?
Hot flashes (sudden sweating or feelings of warmth)
Weakness and tiredness
Mental depression or mood swings
Headache or dizziness
Back pain, bone pain, or pelvic pain
Nausea, vomiting, or loss of appetite
Diarrhea or constipation
When should I call my doctor?
Call your doctor if you are worried about a side effect or have questions about your medical care.
Anastrozole might change how you think, feel, or act. Call your doctor if you or your family are worried about the way you are feeling or acting.
Call the doctor at once if you have any of these side effects:
Symptoms of allergic reactions :
Skin rash, hives, or itching
Shortness of breath, wheezing, or trouble breathing
Tightness of throat or chest
Flushing or redness of skin (especially the face or neck)
Fast or irregular heartbeat
Mental depression or mood swings
Symptoms of blood clots:
Sudden or severe headache
Sudden loss of coordination
Pain in chest, legs, or groin
Sudden slurring of speech
Sudden or unexplained shortness of breath
Sudden loss or change in vision
Weakness or numbness in arms or legs
Call the doctor as soon as you can if you have any of these side effects:
Increased tumor or bone pain
Breakthrough bleeding or spotting
Increased or decreased menstrual bleeding
Irregular or missed menstrual periods
Symptoms of fluid retention:
Swelling of feet or lower legs
Rapid weight gain or bloating
Trouble breathing at rest
Swollen or bloated belly
Are there side effects from this medicine after I finish my chemotherapy?
Long-term therapy with anastrozole may increase the risk of getting endometrial cancer. It is important to get routine pelvic exams. Tell your doctor about any abnormal vaginal bleeding, change in vaginal discharge, or pelvic pain or pressure.
The adverse effects listed are important and common ones that patients might experience; every possible adverse effect is not included.
Last Reviewed: June 18, 2009
From the Cancer Chemotherapy Manual, © 2004-2007, University of Utah Hospitals and Clinics, Salt Lake City,UT. Published by Facts and Comparisons, St Louis, MO, www.drugfacts.com
If this list of side effects looks extensive and overwhelming, then I should tell you this is one of the SHORTER lists that I found! LOL
Of course, I AM NOT expecting ANY of these to occur, but it is better to have researched to see what MIGHT be around the corner, than get hit with something head on and not be prepared.
At least the medical system covered all their bases "just in case" and that's the way I look at this. BUT...should one, some or many occur, we'll see what I can live with and what begins to make me give up too much and go from there.
I am as positive about this as I can be. Now you know some of what I know. It's just another little ripple...Have a great week! ;-)
Friday, October 1, 2010
Celebration Time Oh Yeah!!! Thursday, Sept. 30, 2010
Today was my last day of radiation treatments, day five of my boosts, and I am speckled red across my breast, have a half moon of red underneath and a large red area under my arm. I came out much better than most, but am sore, a bit dry, and a little shriveled...BUT I AM DONE!!!
Erin and Sara, my usual two ladies, were there to greet me this morning and get me settled on the table under Trilogy, my friendly, neighborhood radiation machine for the last time...boost number 5 and the final 33rd day about to begin. It was over quickly, we chatted, they handed me my official Diploma for finishing treatment and a laminated paper telling me to go to the front desk and pick up my paperwork for how to handle things from here until I see Dr. Tate on October 29 at 10:30. Will need to make a copy for my brother and sisters so they know what I need to do. They can't help if they don't know. See, I am finally learning what it's like to have siblings, well, sort of. That's going to take awhile. LOL
Anyway, I had called this morning and ordered an arrangement for Jessica and her family who have become mine. I selected six yellow carnations representing her, Paul, their three great kids, and me. They were nestled in my favorites, daisies, that were also yellow for friendship and baby's breath. She even drove me there to pick them up but didn't know they were for her. It was wonderful to see her face after she listened to me explain and she found out. I was so happy to share my happiness with her after all she has done. I am also fortunate to have their love and support!
She dropped me off at Beads so I could work with the other ladies making more jewelry for cancer patients at the center. What a crazy laughter filled day today! I shared my diploma with all of them and we worked even longer than usual, a good time had by all. Afterwards, about six of us went to the mexican restaurant in town and had lunch with friend Sandy Jo, who had sent a text congratulating me on my last day, joining us too. It was another fun hour for sure.
Before the restaurant, I asked Sandy if she would stop at Whitelake Greenhouse so I could take care of one other thing. She was my ride now and I needed to send a little "I want to share my happiness with you too" gift to my brother and his partner. What fun I had putting that one together.
After lunch, I went home and started putting my gifts together for the radiology technicians. I have little felt "buckets" with treats and a gift card to Coldstone...we had all decided that was a favorite place so I know they will appreciate them. It was fun to put those together too.
Where did all the energy and happiness come from??? That's easy! Two wonderful, restful, peaceful, complete nights of sleep, eight hours each night. Positively unheard of for quite awhile now, but what a difference they are making!!! That was a MAJOR part of my emotional breakdown and the nurse and social worker at the center agreed that it was likely so.
I can't promise that every day will be like this, but it was great to feel this way and celebrate my joy with those who love and care about me. I have learned that I need to share with my family information that will help them be more aware of what to expect, what may lie ahead, and some suggestions of how they can help from the cancer expert material I picked up at Mayo. I know that I have to let my friends help, even if I think I can manage on my own. They want to and I should love them enough to accept their help.
Just passed another hurdle today, but we are far from over. Next week the pills begin. Sounds easy doesn't it, but the possible side effects can be a new and possibly painful challenge both physically and mentally. But with the love and care of those I have around me, I'll be ok because they will be there to help me through it all. How very blessed am I to be loved!
Erin and Sara, my usual two ladies, were there to greet me this morning and get me settled on the table under Trilogy, my friendly, neighborhood radiation machine for the last time...boost number 5 and the final 33rd day about to begin. It was over quickly, we chatted, they handed me my official Diploma for finishing treatment and a laminated paper telling me to go to the front desk and pick up my paperwork for how to handle things from here until I see Dr. Tate on October 29 at 10:30. Will need to make a copy for my brother and sisters so they know what I need to do. They can't help if they don't know. See, I am finally learning what it's like to have siblings, well, sort of. That's going to take awhile. LOL
Anyway, I had called this morning and ordered an arrangement for Jessica and her family who have become mine. I selected six yellow carnations representing her, Paul, their three great kids, and me. They were nestled in my favorites, daisies, that were also yellow for friendship and baby's breath. She even drove me there to pick them up but didn't know they were for her. It was wonderful to see her face after she listened to me explain and she found out. I was so happy to share my happiness with her after all she has done. I am also fortunate to have their love and support!
She dropped me off at Beads so I could work with the other ladies making more jewelry for cancer patients at the center. What a crazy laughter filled day today! I shared my diploma with all of them and we worked even longer than usual, a good time had by all. Afterwards, about six of us went to the mexican restaurant in town and had lunch with friend Sandy Jo, who had sent a text congratulating me on my last day, joining us too. It was another fun hour for sure.
Before the restaurant, I asked Sandy if she would stop at Whitelake Greenhouse so I could take care of one other thing. She was my ride now and I needed to send a little "I want to share my happiness with you too" gift to my brother and his partner. What fun I had putting that one together.
After lunch, I went home and started putting my gifts together for the radiology technicians. I have little felt "buckets" with treats and a gift card to Coldstone...we had all decided that was a favorite place so I know they will appreciate them. It was fun to put those together too.
Where did all the energy and happiness come from??? That's easy! Two wonderful, restful, peaceful, complete nights of sleep, eight hours each night. Positively unheard of for quite awhile now, but what a difference they are making!!! That was a MAJOR part of my emotional breakdown and the nurse and social worker at the center agreed that it was likely so.
I can't promise that every day will be like this, but it was great to feel this way and celebrate my joy with those who love and care about me. I have learned that I need to share with my family information that will help them be more aware of what to expect, what may lie ahead, and some suggestions of how they can help from the cancer expert material I picked up at Mayo. I know that I have to let my friends help, even if I think I can manage on my own. They want to and I should love them enough to accept their help.
Just passed another hurdle today, but we are far from over. Next week the pills begin. Sounds easy doesn't it, but the possible side effects can be a new and possibly painful challenge both physically and mentally. But with the love and care of those I have around me, I'll be ok because they will be there to help me through it all. How very blessed am I to be loved!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday was awful! I was so emotional I couldn't even get a cheerful smile on my face in the morning for the first time since I greeted my support team of radiology technicians. Exhausted, frustrated, angry, resentful and sad...just to name a few.
Today was my second of the five boosts. I drove myself, then went to Barnes and Noble afterwards for some quiet time, coffee and to read awhile. Afterwards I went to Meijer to get a sweater or two if I was lucky because the chills were frequent and I was worried I would get a cold and that would extend the radiation treatments. Another bit of anxiety.
There were times I wanted to ask friends for help, but didn't want to cry wolf. I was capable, could do it, but my feelings are so conflicted and irratic I honestly don't know my own mind right now.
As I got up to the check out, Walt came out of the blue and began to pack up my groceries. On his way to his house during his lunch break, I had mentioned where I was going and he was a little uneasy with my mood. He had also been concerned because my eating had been so little and my sleep even worse. I went to him to Quizno's for lunch, picking through a salad and having a vitamin water. When we walked out to our cars, I lost it. The tears began and wouldn't stop, the sobbing was ridiculous and I couldn't get a grip.
At his suggestion, I rode with him to his house so he could pick up some things while I sat in the car and continued to cry. I could not get control of the situation at all. Walt listened, he tried to get into lighter subjects and find other things to think and talk about. I'd start to stop the waterfall and then whoosh, out it would come again. It made little sense, I made even less. He was incredibly patient but I know it was hard because he didn't know what else to do to help even though just being there for a bit and giving sharing a few hugs helped more than I could express at the time.
He went on to work and I went home, working on the computer awhile and slowly but surely pulling myself together. My emotions were so unstable that I had actually made arrangements for things to be taken care of at Chorale that I was usually responsible for. I was blessed to have some friends willing to cover for me and who just wanted me to do what I needed to do for me.
After a couple other incidents to which I reacted completely irrationally, I got a text message from my friend Rhonda out of the blue with a simple message..."is there anything I can do for you?" How did she know? I asked her to meet me at the church at 6:15 to pass out music saying I just wasn't certain I would be staying so her help would be a blessing. She was there, we took care of the music, name tags, and attendance boards.
Rhonda's mom has recently been through breast cancer as well so nothing I say would be a surprise to her. The true emotions began to come out. I hate what this is doing to me...I am angry for what it is doing to my body...I hate that I can't sleep and it is affecting my friendships as well as my feelings...All of this stinks, I hurt, my breast is painful, looks awful, is uncomfortable and...the tears started flowing once again.
We were finished. Rhonda sat alongside me in one of the back pews. She let me vent some feelings, cry, and was just there in the very best way she could be. She'd heard her mom voice some of the same feelings, she knew the pain and hurt I was feeling, she understood my sadness and anger, she was a comforting presence without judgement...what a true blessing she was!
I believe that it was because of that acceptance and understanding that I was able to open myself to those who came in with the usual smiling face and the call to duty that is me. The anger and resentment was still there, the overwhelming exhausted feeling that was wrecking havoc with my emotions, over active hormones for sure doing their dirty work, and a fear of losing everyone and everything close to me because I couldn't get my feelings straight, I stayed. The anxiety I was feeling made me so tightly strung I didn't know what else to expect.
Made it through rehearsal with some laughter from friend Carol and the reassuring smiles from Walt. Jessica and Rhonda helped me carry things out to the car when rehearsal was over and I was grateful to everyone for their help. But within the next few minutes, I would hurt the feelings of one person I treasure most.
This morning, Tuesday, I awoke after stuggling all night to sleep. Averaging 3 hours of sleep a night or less over the past week or so was NOT working. Now it was affecting my relationships and I knew that to lose any of them, especially Walt, would be devasting. We've been through too much already and have an honest and supportive friendship and a great working relationship. I told Dr. Tate during our appointment that I was having trouble eating, I was a little sore, but my biggest problem was little to no sleep. It was affecting my moods, my relationships, everything. I told him what I had tried and he knows that I am not on medications and seldom have been. He prescribed some low dose Ambien for me to try for a short period and give me a chance to catch up. I was grateful beyond words and can hardly wait to give it a try tonight. I would give anything for a restful night's sleep and I hope it will start tonight.
Today was my second of the five boosts. I drove myself, then went to Barnes and Noble afterwards for some quiet time, coffee and to read awhile. Afterwards I went to Meijer to get a sweater or two if I was lucky because the chills were frequent and I was worried I would get a cold and that would extend the radiation treatments. Another bit of anxiety.
There were times I wanted to ask friends for help, but didn't want to cry wolf. I was capable, could do it, but my feelings are so conflicted and irratic I honestly don't know my own mind right now.
As I got up to the check out, Walt came out of the blue and began to pack up my groceries. On his way to his house during his lunch break, I had mentioned where I was going and he was a little uneasy with my mood. He had also been concerned because my eating had been so little and my sleep even worse. I went to him to Quizno's for lunch, picking through a salad and having a vitamin water. When we walked out to our cars, I lost it. The tears began and wouldn't stop, the sobbing was ridiculous and I couldn't get a grip.
At his suggestion, I rode with him to his house so he could pick up some things while I sat in the car and continued to cry. I could not get control of the situation at all. Walt listened, he tried to get into lighter subjects and find other things to think and talk about. I'd start to stop the waterfall and then whoosh, out it would come again. It made little sense, I made even less. He was incredibly patient but I know it was hard because he didn't know what else to do to help even though just being there for a bit and giving sharing a few hugs helped more than I could express at the time.
He went on to work and I went home, working on the computer awhile and slowly but surely pulling myself together. My emotions were so unstable that I had actually made arrangements for things to be taken care of at Chorale that I was usually responsible for. I was blessed to have some friends willing to cover for me and who just wanted me to do what I needed to do for me.
After a couple other incidents to which I reacted completely irrationally, I got a text message from my friend Rhonda out of the blue with a simple message..."is there anything I can do for you?" How did she know? I asked her to meet me at the church at 6:15 to pass out music saying I just wasn't certain I would be staying so her help would be a blessing. She was there, we took care of the music, name tags, and attendance boards.
Rhonda's mom has recently been through breast cancer as well so nothing I say would be a surprise to her. The true emotions began to come out. I hate what this is doing to me...I am angry for what it is doing to my body...I hate that I can't sleep and it is affecting my friendships as well as my feelings...All of this stinks, I hurt, my breast is painful, looks awful, is uncomfortable and...the tears started flowing once again.
We were finished. Rhonda sat alongside me in one of the back pews. She let me vent some feelings, cry, and was just there in the very best way she could be. She'd heard her mom voice some of the same feelings, she knew the pain and hurt I was feeling, she understood my sadness and anger, she was a comforting presence without judgement...what a true blessing she was!
I believe that it was because of that acceptance and understanding that I was able to open myself to those who came in with the usual smiling face and the call to duty that is me. The anger and resentment was still there, the overwhelming exhausted feeling that was wrecking havoc with my emotions, over active hormones for sure doing their dirty work, and a fear of losing everyone and everything close to me because I couldn't get my feelings straight, I stayed. The anxiety I was feeling made me so tightly strung I didn't know what else to expect.
Made it through rehearsal with some laughter from friend Carol and the reassuring smiles from Walt. Jessica and Rhonda helped me carry things out to the car when rehearsal was over and I was grateful to everyone for their help. But within the next few minutes, I would hurt the feelings of one person I treasure most.
This morning, Tuesday, I awoke after stuggling all night to sleep. Averaging 3 hours of sleep a night or less over the past week or so was NOT working. Now it was affecting my relationships and I knew that to lose any of them, especially Walt, would be devasting. We've been through too much already and have an honest and supportive friendship and a great working relationship. I told Dr. Tate during our appointment that I was having trouble eating, I was a little sore, but my biggest problem was little to no sleep. It was affecting my moods, my relationships, everything. I told him what I had tried and he knows that I am not on medications and seldom have been. He prescribed some low dose Ambien for me to try for a short period and give me a chance to catch up. I was grateful beyond words and can hardly wait to give it a try tonight. I would give anything for a restful night's sleep and I hope it will start tonight.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Honestly, beware of the word "fine" Sunday, Sept. 26, 2010
I will admit, I am not "fine". I have had so many people tell me "you don't look sick at all"; "wow! I can't believe you have cancer you look so good"; "doesn't seem like this disease affected you at all"; "the radiation is almost over and everything will be back to normal". What's normal??? You have GOT to be kidding!
Here's the really stupid part...I should be absolutely thrilled that my outside persona has everyone believing all is well. That's what I am trying to do, isn't it? Making sure to project the joyful smile, the happy face, the "no big deal" feeling. How about the "I can handle everything myself", "no, there are no problems, everything is fine"? Don't want anyone to worry, to fuss, or have my behaviors elicit sympathetic glances or speeches. I certainly don't want anyone to feel obligated to spend time with me because they feel sorry for me and how awful that I sometimes suspect the motives of others in that regard. But I'm not "fine".
Some of you will once again take this expression of sharing my honest feelings and tell me I need to go to a support group or get some kind of help. Honestly, the only difference between you and me is that I am sticking my feelings right out here and sharing them, the good, the bad and the ugly. I find it difficult to believe some of these thoughts haven't or wouldn't float through your mind. There are ugly moments with this disease believe me and some days, some situations are more challenging than others. "Poor me" gets tiresome to others as well as myself.
There are those close to me who I believe sincerely do care. But when things happen in their own lives, they are naturally drawn away. I then am brought back to the reality that I am no longer first in anyone's world anymore, and after having a mom to myself since I was 14 and a husband of 27 years, that is tough to deal with sometimes. There isn't anyone forced, for lack of a better word, to deal with my moods, pain, to visually share what I see in the mirror, who has a loving reason to open their heart and feel what I feel. That's the part that sometimes is the most difficult when you are on your own.
Maybe you live alone, but you have children, a spouse, a sibling, a partner. Then, even if they aren't always near or there for you when you want them to be, they are there. There is someone to call, someone who just may listen, someone to hold you and share that pain when you need someone the most, someone who opens their heart and lets you inside. Had that once...it was precious and priceless. Luckily, I knew it then and I know it more now.
So guess I just need to take my "fine", put the smile back on my face, and act like things are "no big deal"...after all, "life happens". Things usually look different in the morning. I am certain working to catch up on some of the sleep that I am deeply and sorely lacking will be incredibly helpful. It won't take away the fact that I have cancer and that my life certainly isn't what I would have chosen, but things will likely look brighter and more hopeful and loving tomorrow...and that is something to look forward to.
Here's the really stupid part...I should be absolutely thrilled that my outside persona has everyone believing all is well. That's what I am trying to do, isn't it? Making sure to project the joyful smile, the happy face, the "no big deal" feeling. How about the "I can handle everything myself", "no, there are no problems, everything is fine"? Don't want anyone to worry, to fuss, or have my behaviors elicit sympathetic glances or speeches. I certainly don't want anyone to feel obligated to spend time with me because they feel sorry for me and how awful that I sometimes suspect the motives of others in that regard. But I'm not "fine".
Some of you will once again take this expression of sharing my honest feelings and tell me I need to go to a support group or get some kind of help. Honestly, the only difference between you and me is that I am sticking my feelings right out here and sharing them, the good, the bad and the ugly. I find it difficult to believe some of these thoughts haven't or wouldn't float through your mind. There are ugly moments with this disease believe me and some days, some situations are more challenging than others. "Poor me" gets tiresome to others as well as myself.
There are those close to me who I believe sincerely do care. But when things happen in their own lives, they are naturally drawn away. I then am brought back to the reality that I am no longer first in anyone's world anymore, and after having a mom to myself since I was 14 and a husband of 27 years, that is tough to deal with sometimes. There isn't anyone forced, for lack of a better word, to deal with my moods, pain, to visually share what I see in the mirror, who has a loving reason to open their heart and feel what I feel. That's the part that sometimes is the most difficult when you are on your own.
Maybe you live alone, but you have children, a spouse, a sibling, a partner. Then, even if they aren't always near or there for you when you want them to be, they are there. There is someone to call, someone who just may listen, someone to hold you and share that pain when you need someone the most, someone who opens their heart and lets you inside. Had that once...it was precious and priceless. Luckily, I knew it then and I know it more now.
So guess I just need to take my "fine", put the smile back on my face, and act like things are "no big deal"...after all, "life happens". Things usually look different in the morning. I am certain working to catch up on some of the sleep that I am deeply and sorely lacking will be incredibly helpful. It won't take away the fact that I have cancer and that my life certainly isn't what I would have chosen, but things will likely look brighter and more hopeful and loving tomorrow...and that is something to look forward to.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Reality Set in this Week Saturday, September 25, 2010
This week was the last full week of Radiation and it was filled with surprises, some pleasant, some not so much. At least when I met with Dr. Tate last Tuesday, we actually had something to talk about as changes in appearance and comfort had begun.
He gave me some samples of medicated cream to help with the burns and keep my skin moist. I have a larger area of red underneath my breast that hasn't caused too much discomfort but the part under my arm has let me know it is there. It is partly tan to the point where it looks dirty, yet red for the most part, difficult to paint a clear picture for the reader here.
The breast itself is speckled with red spots, the skin has become tighter and is shrinking as it is treated, the breast is more painful, with some of the skin itchy and splotched. It is uncomfortable to lie on my left side and since that is my usual and most comfortable side for sleeping, it has made that difficult as well.
Sleep, or lack thereof, is an issue. Last night, only two hours and I woke up, wide awake at 2:00 am. After trying to read, relax, everything I could think of, I finally just got up and began to work on Chorale CDs and before you know it, it was time to leave for church. By 2:30 I was exhausted and went in to sleep, waking at 5:00. I can't seem to get a schedule lately that works. My total sleep for the week is like what most get in a couple nights...not good. Seems it is another of those things that occur with this treatment and post-menopause, of course.
Another issue which has caused a few friends pause, is a lack of desire to eat. Hard to believe with my usual eating habits, but not much tastes good so it makes things a bit challenging. I have been supplementing with Vitamin water which has helped keep the energy level up and have been careful to add protein and vegetable drinks if I am really low on what I have eaten. I am certain this will pass and no, it is not a "diet plan", I assure you, not that I can't stand to lose a few pounds, but there are better, healthier ways to do it. I believe this too shall pass...
The fatigue comes and goes, the emotions are up and down, and Dr. Tate says this week and the one after will be the most challenging of all so it's time to just put the smile back on and deal with it.
Last Friday, I had my first boost. It's my understanding that is what the next four will involve. It isn't that I get more radiation, I just get it more directly on the tumor area and it can take more of a toll on the body because of it. I used to bounce off the table under Trilogy, my radiation machine. Now, the girls help me get up. I used to walk confidently down the hall after treatment, now I walk slowly feeling a little light headed right at first, better when I reach the dressing area. Walking to the car is a bit more tiresome when I leave, but I notice the difference, subtle, but it is there. I sit in the car for a short period before heading back home, run my three second pity party in my head, and then get on with the day. It is just the way things are.
My life has been quieter since all this began...it will become more so as of Friday. Yes, I am happy my treatments will be over and my skin can begin healing. But it also means those beautiful cheerful faces I see five days a week will no longer start my mornings after Thursday and already, that thought is giving me pause. More time to deal with life as it is...and I am not looking forward to that at all.
He gave me some samples of medicated cream to help with the burns and keep my skin moist. I have a larger area of red underneath my breast that hasn't caused too much discomfort but the part under my arm has let me know it is there. It is partly tan to the point where it looks dirty, yet red for the most part, difficult to paint a clear picture for the reader here.
The breast itself is speckled with red spots, the skin has become tighter and is shrinking as it is treated, the breast is more painful, with some of the skin itchy and splotched. It is uncomfortable to lie on my left side and since that is my usual and most comfortable side for sleeping, it has made that difficult as well.
Sleep, or lack thereof, is an issue. Last night, only two hours and I woke up, wide awake at 2:00 am. After trying to read, relax, everything I could think of, I finally just got up and began to work on Chorale CDs and before you know it, it was time to leave for church. By 2:30 I was exhausted and went in to sleep, waking at 5:00. I can't seem to get a schedule lately that works. My total sleep for the week is like what most get in a couple nights...not good. Seems it is another of those things that occur with this treatment and post-menopause, of course.
Another issue which has caused a few friends pause, is a lack of desire to eat. Hard to believe with my usual eating habits, but not much tastes good so it makes things a bit challenging. I have been supplementing with Vitamin water which has helped keep the energy level up and have been careful to add protein and vegetable drinks if I am really low on what I have eaten. I am certain this will pass and no, it is not a "diet plan", I assure you, not that I can't stand to lose a few pounds, but there are better, healthier ways to do it. I believe this too shall pass...
The fatigue comes and goes, the emotions are up and down, and Dr. Tate says this week and the one after will be the most challenging of all so it's time to just put the smile back on and deal with it.
Last Friday, I had my first boost. It's my understanding that is what the next four will involve. It isn't that I get more radiation, I just get it more directly on the tumor area and it can take more of a toll on the body because of it. I used to bounce off the table under Trilogy, my radiation machine. Now, the girls help me get up. I used to walk confidently down the hall after treatment, now I walk slowly feeling a little light headed right at first, better when I reach the dressing area. Walking to the car is a bit more tiresome when I leave, but I notice the difference, subtle, but it is there. I sit in the car for a short period before heading back home, run my three second pity party in my head, and then get on with the day. It is just the way things are.
My life has been quieter since all this began...it will become more so as of Friday. Yes, I am happy my treatments will be over and my skin can begin healing. But it also means those beautiful cheerful faces I see five days a week will no longer start my mornings after Thursday and already, that thought is giving me pause. More time to deal with life as it is...and I am not looking forward to that at all.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Radiation and an Irritating Weekend ;-)
Well, I have a couple other posts to complete but this one is likely the most important as it deals with this weekend and radiotherapy.
The effects of the radiation finally began to be more pronounced this week. I knew I was "lucking out" all the way around and thought maybe I wasn't going to endure what most of the women around me have. Seems that was wishful thinking but I also know, it could have been much worse for me right now.
The tan/burn area under the arm at the point of my lymph node scar had first shown up as a tan, but appeared on Thursday afternoon much more red and was enhanced on Friday. Didn't realize the discomfort until that evening when touching or with clothes brushing that area. There is a larger reddish line in a semi-circle under the breast which more closely resembles a burn. If my breast gets bumped, it is not a nice feeling at all! So I am learning to be a bit more protective and see why the other women were.
I spent most of this weekend at home so I could wear a baggy sweatshirt and no bra. It gives those two areas a break from any chance of irritation and the skin a chance to benefit from the medicated cream. I still noticed more discomfort in the area under the arm especially and wonder what that will be like over the next nine days.
I also discovered that I have to work on my range of motion more consistently again, which I haven't had to do much before. My arm tends to get a little stiff and feels heavier. If I don't work on it, my little and ring fingers can get stiff and then begin to feel numb. Comes with the nerves that were severed and healing, they told me, and will be fine eventually. Good thing I had a lot to type today as it kept them flexible and my arm moving quite frequently too! LOL
Monday I worked on getting music punched and ready since Walt had given me extra selections this morning; made sure we had name tags, picked up tea, receipt books, and completed the paperwork I would use. First White Lake Chorale night was here and that meant signing up new members, taking payment for music, chatting away and then rehearsing with the group. Afterwards I went out with Carol and Ruth for a little while since Walt let us out a bit early.
Tuesday after I finished treatment and met with my Radiation Oncologist, I headed to Jessica's house and we were off on our trip to pick up her brother's trombone in Traverse City. Her son Brian is starting lessons soon and it was a great day for the three hours up and back. Of course, we stopped, walked, and chatted away with little or not effort. What a delightful day, getting home about 8:30 that night.
Wednesday after treatment was coffee with the usual gang at the Book Nook and lunch with Walt to catch up and to go over things before he left for the week. That night was the first rehearsal in quite awhile with the Chorale Belles and I didn't get home until about 9:00.
With a full plate of things going on the first part of the week and the difference in my treatment after Thursday morning, I really felt tired. I was going to Beads, Beauty and Beyond to meet with the gang and make jewelry, but had gotten wet getting to the car and just went home for dry clothes and to get warm. Didn't want to get sick now! I tried to sleep that afternoon, but it was too uncomfortable. That evening I made the choice not to go to the PEO meeting because I had eaten little and knew I'd have to leave within the hour the way I was feeling. It was tough to make these choices, but as Donna said when I dropped off Susie's Love Basket after all this time, "You have to care for yourself first." For that night, it was the right thing to do...I was in bed by 8:00 pm.
Friday, treatment was a little more uncomfortable afterwards, noticing more redness and irritation. It was also Karen's last day, the one receiving treatment right ahead of me. With Mary there too, the three of us were a mixture of happy and sad. We exchanged emails and phone numbers agreeing to meet up with each other again, especiall after the three of us are done. I came home and started working on some things for the Chorale. Ran an errand for a friend and went to Jessica's to pick her up for lunch in Grand Haven. We got a smoothie for dessert and sat along the waterway, which was very relaxing. After we returned to her house, we helped the kids with their homework and settled in downstairs to watch the first Harry Potter movie with some pizza. It was easy to relax, leaving around 8:30 for home.
Since Tuesday, I have been drinking one to two Vitamin waters to help me keep up my energy throughout the day and it has been beneficial so far. When I have to catch up with sleep though, I do it in a big way...like this morning, sleeping until 10:30! But it was obvious that I needed it, for when I had to get up in the night, I was almost asleep again before my head hit the pillow! Not usual for me that is for sure.
I understand I will be receiving two "boosts" in the next two weeks. Don't know what days yet, but I have been told they can take a lot out of you. This will be interesting. Maybe I'll luck out and they won't be a big deal. If they are, I'll deal with it in whatever way I can just like everything else. I have let my family members know so they are aware of what has recently occured and what may lie ahead.
I WILL miss my radiology techs, Grant, Joel, Erin, April, Amelia, Megan and Sara, laughing and chatting with me every morning as they get me placed and supervise my treatments. But reminding myself I only have 9 more days to go? That in itself sounds great to me no matter what discomfort I have to go through to get there. Here we go with my last full 5 day week and that sounds wonderful to me...
The effects of the radiation finally began to be more pronounced this week. I knew I was "lucking out" all the way around and thought maybe I wasn't going to endure what most of the women around me have. Seems that was wishful thinking but I also know, it could have been much worse for me right now.
The tan/burn area under the arm at the point of my lymph node scar had first shown up as a tan, but appeared on Thursday afternoon much more red and was enhanced on Friday. Didn't realize the discomfort until that evening when touching or with clothes brushing that area. There is a larger reddish line in a semi-circle under the breast which more closely resembles a burn. If my breast gets bumped, it is not a nice feeling at all! So I am learning to be a bit more protective and see why the other women were.
I spent most of this weekend at home so I could wear a baggy sweatshirt and no bra. It gives those two areas a break from any chance of irritation and the skin a chance to benefit from the medicated cream. I still noticed more discomfort in the area under the arm especially and wonder what that will be like over the next nine days.
I also discovered that I have to work on my range of motion more consistently again, which I haven't had to do much before. My arm tends to get a little stiff and feels heavier. If I don't work on it, my little and ring fingers can get stiff and then begin to feel numb. Comes with the nerves that were severed and healing, they told me, and will be fine eventually. Good thing I had a lot to type today as it kept them flexible and my arm moving quite frequently too! LOL
Monday I worked on getting music punched and ready since Walt had given me extra selections this morning; made sure we had name tags, picked up tea, receipt books, and completed the paperwork I would use. First White Lake Chorale night was here and that meant signing up new members, taking payment for music, chatting away and then rehearsing with the group. Afterwards I went out with Carol and Ruth for a little while since Walt let us out a bit early.
Tuesday after I finished treatment and met with my Radiation Oncologist, I headed to Jessica's house and we were off on our trip to pick up her brother's trombone in Traverse City. Her son Brian is starting lessons soon and it was a great day for the three hours up and back. Of course, we stopped, walked, and chatted away with little or not effort. What a delightful day, getting home about 8:30 that night.
Wednesday after treatment was coffee with the usual gang at the Book Nook and lunch with Walt to catch up and to go over things before he left for the week. That night was the first rehearsal in quite awhile with the Chorale Belles and I didn't get home until about 9:00.
With a full plate of things going on the first part of the week and the difference in my treatment after Thursday morning, I really felt tired. I was going to Beads, Beauty and Beyond to meet with the gang and make jewelry, but had gotten wet getting to the car and just went home for dry clothes and to get warm. Didn't want to get sick now! I tried to sleep that afternoon, but it was too uncomfortable. That evening I made the choice not to go to the PEO meeting because I had eaten little and knew I'd have to leave within the hour the way I was feeling. It was tough to make these choices, but as Donna said when I dropped off Susie's Love Basket after all this time, "You have to care for yourself first." For that night, it was the right thing to do...I was in bed by 8:00 pm.
Friday, treatment was a little more uncomfortable afterwards, noticing more redness and irritation. It was also Karen's last day, the one receiving treatment right ahead of me. With Mary there too, the three of us were a mixture of happy and sad. We exchanged emails and phone numbers agreeing to meet up with each other again, especiall after the three of us are done. I came home and started working on some things for the Chorale. Ran an errand for a friend and went to Jessica's to pick her up for lunch in Grand Haven. We got a smoothie for dessert and sat along the waterway, which was very relaxing. After we returned to her house, we helped the kids with their homework and settled in downstairs to watch the first Harry Potter movie with some pizza. It was easy to relax, leaving around 8:30 for home.
Since Tuesday, I have been drinking one to two Vitamin waters to help me keep up my energy throughout the day and it has been beneficial so far. When I have to catch up with sleep though, I do it in a big way...like this morning, sleeping until 10:30! But it was obvious that I needed it, for when I had to get up in the night, I was almost asleep again before my head hit the pillow! Not usual for me that is for sure.
I understand I will be receiving two "boosts" in the next two weeks. Don't know what days yet, but I have been told they can take a lot out of you. This will be interesting. Maybe I'll luck out and they won't be a big deal. If they are, I'll deal with it in whatever way I can just like everything else. I have let my family members know so they are aware of what has recently occured and what may lie ahead.
I WILL miss my radiology techs, Grant, Joel, Erin, April, Amelia, Megan and Sara, laughing and chatting with me every morning as they get me placed and supervise my treatments. But reminding myself I only have 9 more days to go? That in itself sounds great to me no matter what discomfort I have to go through to get there. Here we go with my last full 5 day week and that sounds wonderful to me...
Saturday, September 11, 2010
We Did It! Finished our Breast Cancer Walk in the Rain
Hello Everyone,
I first posted a goal of $200.00 on the Making Strides for Breast Cancer site. Thanks to the generosity of others, changed it to $300.00. What a surprise to see the donations reach $465.00 as of this last week.
Thank you for supporting breast cancer research and the continuation of the wonderful work done by the American Cancer Society. I know how they have touched MY life.
Thank you also for believing that we could complete this walk. Knowing you were behind the scenes with prayers and cheers for success helped so much along with your friendship, I treasure most.
Heartfelt gratitude to: Alice, Bonnie, Carol, Cheryl, Deb, Dana & Kim, Gerry, Jane, Janet, Martha, Meg, Nancy, Natalie, Rhonda, Ruth, Sandy, Sandy Jo, Mike and Walt.
Here is the note I sent out that afternoon:
Hi everyone,
Just a note to let you know that we finished our 5K walk! We started about 9:05 and returned to Heritage Landing about 10:10. It sprinkled the entire time so we were quite wet when we finished. Luckily the temperature was about 63 with no wind, so we didn't get chilled. After standing around waiting about an hour to get started, it felt great when we finally got underway, and positively terrific when we walked through the pink balloon arbor at the end of the event.
Foxy and Lena were great and were getting lots of pets and complements from other people walking along with us. It was definitely an energetic, positive group to spend an hour with and helped us keep a good steady pace.
Afterwards, Carol and I stopped for a sweet roll and coffee before heading back to Whitehall/Montague. We wanted to sit down some place dry and have something warm before heading home. The dogs didn't mind having a moment in their warm cars to rest a bit either.
Am I tired? You bet!!! I'm pretty certain a nap is very likely. But now that I am in my warm house and wearing dry clothes, I couldn't be more pleased and proud that we did the walk AND finished!
Thank you again so much for your generous support and believing we could do this. It meant more than you know!
Enjoy the rest of your weekend~
Donalee
I first posted a goal of $200.00 on the Making Strides for Breast Cancer site. Thanks to the generosity of others, changed it to $300.00. What a surprise to see the donations reach $465.00 as of this last week.
Thank you for supporting breast cancer research and the continuation of the wonderful work done by the American Cancer Society. I know how they have touched MY life.
Thank you also for believing that we could complete this walk. Knowing you were behind the scenes with prayers and cheers for success helped so much along with your friendship, I treasure most.
Heartfelt gratitude to: Alice, Bonnie, Carol, Cheryl, Deb, Dana & Kim, Gerry, Jane, Janet, Martha, Meg, Nancy, Natalie, Rhonda, Ruth, Sandy, Sandy Jo, Mike and Walt.
Here is the note I sent out that afternoon:
Hi everyone,
Just a note to let you know that we finished our 5K walk! We started about 9:05 and returned to Heritage Landing about 10:10. It sprinkled the entire time so we were quite wet when we finished. Luckily the temperature was about 63 with no wind, so we didn't get chilled. After standing around waiting about an hour to get started, it felt great when we finally got underway, and positively terrific when we walked through the pink balloon arbor at the end of the event.
Foxy and Lena were great and were getting lots of pets and complements from other people walking along with us. It was definitely an energetic, positive group to spend an hour with and helped us keep a good steady pace.
Afterwards, Carol and I stopped for a sweet roll and coffee before heading back to Whitehall/Montague. We wanted to sit down some place dry and have something warm before heading home. The dogs didn't mind having a moment in their warm cars to rest a bit either.
Am I tired? You bet!!! I'm pretty certain a nap is very likely. But now that I am in my warm house and wearing dry clothes, I couldn't be more pleased and proud that we did the walk AND finished!
Thank you again so much for your generous support and believing we could do this. It meant more than you know!
Enjoy the rest of your weekend~
Donalee
Friday, September 10, 2010
Letter Before the Breast Cancer Walk
Part One...just in case you'd like to know what we started with and where it went from here.
Hello support team!
Saturday is the Making Strides for Breast Cancer Walk in Muskegon and I find myself completely overwhelmed by your generosity! $400.00 was raised in support of my participation and to help fund breast cancer research. You are all amazing!Your donation and encouragement also gives Carol and I that extra boost to keep our two feet and four paws walking to the finish line.
With registration at 8:00 am at Heritage Landing along the waterfront in downtown Muskegon, we will be leaving Whitehall at 7:15. We are taking two cars and giving our pets their personal space! IF it should rain, two wet dogs in one car would NOT be good! LOL
The actual walk begins at 9:00 and we are looking forward to seeing who in our foursome leads who through the streets. My bet is with the dogs the first half and us the second...we shall see.
With plastic bags, water, pink Dog Star Ranch team shirts, raincoats and leashes, we are ready to do our best. Carol and I know we won't be at a loss for words, Foxy and Lena will be enjoying all the chaos, and even if the rain drops do fall, a good walk for a great cause will be had by all!
Thank you again so much for your encouragement and belief that this is a wonderful and worthwhile thing to do. Being blessed with friends such as you is certainly a gift I treasure. You'll be right there in our thoughts and hearts as we walk and wag along...for us, for you, for your loved ones and friends!
Have a great day everyone, think positive thoughts, and thanks again so very, very much...we will let you know how we do~
Hugs & Wags,
Carol & Donalee
Lena & Foxy
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Radiology.com Gives a Heads up about Radiation Therapy
Radiation treatment overview from Radiology.com:
Breast conservation surgery removes the breast tumor and a margin of surrounding normal tissues. Radiation therapy usually follows a lumpectomy to eliminate any microscopic cancer cells in the remaining breast tissue. The purpose is to give women the same cure rate they would have if they were treated with a mastectomy but to leave the breast intact, with an appearance and texture as close as possible to what they had before treatment. It is estimated that 75 percent to 80 percent of patients can be treated with breast conservation therapy rather than mastectomy with excellent results. Years of clinical study have proven that breast conservation therapy offers the same cure rate as mastectomy.
Is radiation therapy necessary if the margins of the removed tissue are negative?
Many studies have reviewed this approach for patients with invasive cancers. Nearly all show that the risk of relapse in the breast is much higher when radiation is not used (20 percent to 40 percent) than when it is used(5 percent to 10 percent). Having breast cancer reappear in this way is a very traumatic event psychologically. Also, patients may need to have a mastectomy to be cured in this situation, so in more cases they may lose the breast than if they had undergone radiation therapy initially. Finally, not everyone who has a recurrence in the breast can be cured. Therefore, radiation therapy after lumpectomy is the standard treatment around the world.
There are several recent studies in which older patients with small, favorable invasive cancers have had a low risk of local relapse when treated with lumpectomy and hormonal therapy without radiation therapy. There is still uncertainty about the long-term results with this approach or about which individuals will do best without radiation therapy. This issue should be discussed in detail with your doctor.
For patients with noninvasive cancer (known as "ductal carcinoma in situ") matters are more complicated. Lumpectomy without radiation works well for many patients. However, there is disagreement on who can be treated safely with just a lumpectomy. This should be discussed in detail with your doctor.
What are possible side effects of radiation therapy?
Most patients develop mild fatigue that builds up gradually over the course of therapy. This slowly goes away one to two months following the radiation therapy. Most patients develop dull aches or sharp shooting pains in the breast that may last for a few seconds or minutes. It is rare for patients to need any medication for this. The most common side effect needing attention is skin reaction. Most patients develop reddening, dryness and itching of the skin after a few weeks. Some patients develop substantial irritation.
Skin care recommendations include:
•Keeping the skin clean and dry using warm water and gentle soap
•Avoiding extreme temperatures while bathing
•Avoiding trauma to the skin and sun exposure (use a sunscreen with at least SPF 30)
•Avoiding shaving the treatment area with a razor blade (use an electric razor if necessary)
•Avoiding use of perfumes, cosmetics, after-shave or deodorants in the treatment area (use cornstarch with or without baking soda in place of deodorants)
•Using only recommended unscented creams or lotions after daily treatment
Some patients develop a sunburn-like reaction with blistering and peeling of the skin, called "moist desquamation." This usually occurs in the fold under the breast or in the fold between the breast and the arm, or sometimes in the area given a radiation boost. Skin reactions usually heal completely within a few weeks of completing radiotherapy.
So far so good and if I am lucky, it will be a long time before I see any of the symptoms, if at all. Some of you prefer the clinical info so here it is. We shall see...
Breast conservation surgery removes the breast tumor and a margin of surrounding normal tissues. Radiation therapy usually follows a lumpectomy to eliminate any microscopic cancer cells in the remaining breast tissue. The purpose is to give women the same cure rate they would have if they were treated with a mastectomy but to leave the breast intact, with an appearance and texture as close as possible to what they had before treatment. It is estimated that 75 percent to 80 percent of patients can be treated with breast conservation therapy rather than mastectomy with excellent results. Years of clinical study have proven that breast conservation therapy offers the same cure rate as mastectomy.
Is radiation therapy necessary if the margins of the removed tissue are negative?
Many studies have reviewed this approach for patients with invasive cancers. Nearly all show that the risk of relapse in the breast is much higher when radiation is not used (20 percent to 40 percent) than when it is used(5 percent to 10 percent). Having breast cancer reappear in this way is a very traumatic event psychologically. Also, patients may need to have a mastectomy to be cured in this situation, so in more cases they may lose the breast than if they had undergone radiation therapy initially. Finally, not everyone who has a recurrence in the breast can be cured. Therefore, radiation therapy after lumpectomy is the standard treatment around the world.
There are several recent studies in which older patients with small, favorable invasive cancers have had a low risk of local relapse when treated with lumpectomy and hormonal therapy without radiation therapy. There is still uncertainty about the long-term results with this approach or about which individuals will do best without radiation therapy. This issue should be discussed in detail with your doctor.
For patients with noninvasive cancer (known as "ductal carcinoma in situ") matters are more complicated. Lumpectomy without radiation works well for many patients. However, there is disagreement on who can be treated safely with just a lumpectomy. This should be discussed in detail with your doctor.
What are possible side effects of radiation therapy?
Most patients develop mild fatigue that builds up gradually over the course of therapy. This slowly goes away one to two months following the radiation therapy. Most patients develop dull aches or sharp shooting pains in the breast that may last for a few seconds or minutes. It is rare for patients to need any medication for this. The most common side effect needing attention is skin reaction. Most patients develop reddening, dryness and itching of the skin after a few weeks. Some patients develop substantial irritation.
Skin care recommendations include:
•Keeping the skin clean and dry using warm water and gentle soap
•Avoiding extreme temperatures while bathing
•Avoiding trauma to the skin and sun exposure (use a sunscreen with at least SPF 30)
•Avoiding shaving the treatment area with a razor blade (use an electric razor if necessary)
•Avoiding use of perfumes, cosmetics, after-shave or deodorants in the treatment area (use cornstarch with or without baking soda in place of deodorants)
•Using only recommended unscented creams or lotions after daily treatment
Some patients develop a sunburn-like reaction with blistering and peeling of the skin, called "moist desquamation." This usually occurs in the fold under the breast or in the fold between the breast and the arm, or sometimes in the area given a radiation boost. Skin reactions usually heal completely within a few weeks of completing radiotherapy.
So far so good and if I am lucky, it will be a long time before I see any of the symptoms, if at all. Some of you prefer the clinical info so here it is. We shall see...
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Every now and then.... Sunday, Aug. 29, 2010
Dear Friends,
Today has been a very good day, most of this weekend, actually. This afternoon, I thought about times that were not so great and some of the things I've done to bring about a positive change in attitude. I take a walk on the beach, read a book in the sun, go to a movie, take a drive, throw myself into work or a project I love, talk with or have lunch with a good friend, or get on the computer and read caring, touching, supportive messages from my friends.
I have a special file where I keep the notes and ecards many have sent me. Each of you has played an important part in this adventure by either sharing support for my decisions, encouraging me to keep the faith, celebrating with me when there has been good news or just "being there".
Occasionally when I am not in my happy place, I turn to this collection to help me feel more positive and optimistic. When I read your notes, they remind me that there are others out there checking on how things are going; friends might be touched by feelings I am experiencing; they are living through my days with me without physical presence; and many are trying to figure out the best way to be of help.
Oh dear friends, you already are!
*Everyone needs reassurance, encouragement.
*Everyone needs to know they matter, in someway to someone.
*Everyone needs to have someone who listens and sincerely cares.
Many of you have reached out and given me these things...filling in the empty spaces...leaving footprints on my heart.
Here is just a small sample of the kind and thoughtful notes I have been blessed to receive:
No matter how insignificant you may think the message...no matter how short or how long...even if it seems like nothing anyone would want to hear, need to hear, spend the time to check...I hope you will forget all that and send it anyway.
Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness, my friends. I will enjoy sharing many warm and cheerful thoughts with you too.
Hugs, Donalee
Today has been a very good day, most of this weekend, actually. This afternoon, I thought about times that were not so great and some of the things I've done to bring about a positive change in attitude. I take a walk on the beach, read a book in the sun, go to a movie, take a drive, throw myself into work or a project I love, talk with or have lunch with a good friend, or get on the computer and read caring, touching, supportive messages from my friends.
I have a special file where I keep the notes and ecards many have sent me. Each of you has played an important part in this adventure by either sharing support for my decisions, encouraging me to keep the faith, celebrating with me when there has been good news or just "being there".
Occasionally when I am not in my happy place, I turn to this collection to help me feel more positive and optimistic. When I read your notes, they remind me that there are others out there checking on how things are going; friends might be touched by feelings I am experiencing; they are living through my days with me without physical presence; and many are trying to figure out the best way to be of help.
Oh dear friends, you already are!
*Everyone needs reassurance, encouragement.
*Everyone needs to know they matter, in someway to someone.
*Everyone needs to have someone who listens and sincerely cares.
Many of you have reached out and given me these things...filling in the empty spaces...leaving footprints on my heart.
Here is just a small sample of the kind and thoughtful notes I have been blessed to receive:
Dear Donalee,
Many years ago a friend, who twice survived breast cancer, made a tapestry to record her struggles with this awful disease. This was done after she was healed the second time. She used various fabrics with various colors to record the history of her struggles.
Donalee, I can see your tapestry. I see bright yellows (happy face), I see reds (determination to seek the best decision), I see greens (new growth of hope), I see browns (being practical), I see blues (your tears) and I see multi-colored music notes woven into your tapestry; but I don’t see any black color. There is no blackness in your tapestry - because you have hope.
Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day with more music, more encouraging news and more sunshine.
You are still in my prayers.
Love, Angeline
Hi,
Well I read your blog. What a wonderful job you did and the research you did for yourself. I was just amazed and the end results seem pretty good. I guess this just proves that we need to be about 5 steps ahead of the doctors with questions, knowledge and so much more these days. I guess things in medicine have changed so much that this is a lesson everyone should learn.
I also had to share when I turned my calendar to look at August this saying was there and it remined me so much of you. "Never trouble another for what you can do yourself." You let those help when you needed them to and you did the rest. What a gal...Jim and your mom would be very proud of you.
Well I hope you are getting settled back into a normal life and resting from your trip. I am sorry I didn't know sooner about your cancer to help from long distance but your friends there seemed to be right with you when you needed them.
Take care and I'll be in touch, Cheryl
Hi Donalee,
"Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up."
Pearl S. Buck
This quote popped up on my homepage just now, and after reading your blog last night, made me think of you. I am thinking you are finding that space these past few days.
Love, Karen
Donalee,
No need to be a conversationalist. Just wanted you to know my heart is thinking of you today. His eye is on the sparrow!
Love, Rhonda
No matter how insignificant you may think the message...no matter how short or how long...even if it seems like nothing anyone would want to hear, need to hear, spend the time to check...I hope you will forget all that and send it anyway.
Each time a note is sent, it tells me you thought about me.
And when someone is entirely on their own, there IS no greater gift
Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness, my friends. I will enjoy sharing many warm and cheerful thoughts with you too.
Hugs, Donalee
Friday, August 27, 2010
TGIF Friday, Aug. 27, 2010
Let's see...how exactly does this week seem to be ending? Better than most of the week has been, but I wasn't so sure this morning.
I was holding on to myself mentally by a thread as I drove to the center, tears already making their way out from ducts I had tried to will closed so the waterworks couldn't escape. When I went inside, I told myself that the cheerfulness of everyone here would help me get my act together.
Amelia came to get me. She and Sara had on some very colorful tops to their scrubs, one even in lime green, which made me smile. Sara, who has spent the most time with me and is pretty perceptive asked me how things were going, "really..." she added and waited for my answer.
As I was lying down on the treatment table, I told her that I'd had better days and a few little trickles escaped from my eyes. She reassured me that I was likely to have days like that, but that we all do. "Sometimes the best thing is to just go home and have a good cry," she said, sharing a time she did just that and how she felt afterwards. I've done it too.
Amelia was trying to get me into the correct place on the table, the usual tug and yank method, when she said, "I have to get you crooked so I can straighten you up!" For some reason, it made me laugh and we all were laughing at the oxymoron. Instantly the cloudiness lifted...it felt great! Laughter really WAS the best medicine today!
I asked Sara if it was possible to smell an odor as if something was burning, because the last three days, I'd had that smell. She said she had been told that before by other patients but had not experienced anything like that herself. Said she felt we likely have sensitive smell. Didn't confirm or deny what it was or might have been so I am still curious. Is it the machine or inside me? Still makes me wonder...
Friday's are x-ray days to make sure they are hitting their target area and we are still on track. Amelia proudly announced,"Your X-rays are perfect! Everything is going great!" It felt good to hear something like that even though I don't want to be there.
When treatment was over for the day, I went back to the dressing room. Karen was there and she told me a little about the last few days and how things were going with herself and her family. She asked a little about mine, or lack thereof. I explained about the deaths, the retirement, the move as briefly but sustinctly as I could. She was amazed and asked, "No kids, no siblings? Wow, that must be tough!"
At that moment, I felt the doors open on those tear ducts again as I responded with, "Yeah, more than you know. This wasn't the life I had in mind but there must be a reason." Nothing more needed to be said. As Amelia came to get her for treatment, I stood up to leave as she did. Karen's spontaneous and empathetic hug was exactly what I needed.
Walked out deciding if I should go home and have a pity party for myself or do something different. I'd already had a misunderstanding with a dear friend yesterday and have ridden the roller coaster of emotions up and down for several days, getting nowhere. And before you ask, I was with friends on Wednesday AND Thursday, not alone, and wore a great mask through it all too. I'm really well practiced at that. Always felt it better not to have others be concerned and if I don't show anything, they won't know anything...or so I like to think. ;-)
Got into the car and headed south to Grand Haven. Pulled into a shady parking space in the Municipal lot next to where you view the Musical Fountain, put a leash on Foxy and told her, "We are going for a good walk. It's sunny, breezy, the boats are out, there are people all over, and we are walking to the pier and back." That's exactly what we did.
It was nice to wear my dog out for once instead of visa versa. By the time I'd finished enjoying the view and the walk, the endorphins were filling my brain and body with healing and positive thoughts. I felt great!
We'll avoid weekends there, but walks a couple days a week would be good and uplifting for both of us. Ever since I first walked that boardwalk last summer, I have found it to be a wonderful, reflective, and stimulating place for me and my spirit. If I lose a few pounds and get some strength back in my knee, that will be a bonus! LOL
Sometimes I have a face I wear to protect you from my feelings and me from feeling yours. I call it my "you don't need to know or worry" face. It is positive, happy, smiling and better and more comforting for all of you to see.
I am still that private person who just happens to have a blog. I don't want pity or people feeling like they have to do things for me or take over things for me. I am used to doing things for others, not asking people to do things for me. But I will, when the time is right and I realize I need to.
And though I personally feel I am sometimes...I am not broken, unable, incompetent, or invisible.
Granted, I am not the same person I was back in March and I presently have a few physical and emotional hurdles to deal with. But with your kind words, understanding, and support, one day at a time seems reasonable, doable, and worth all the roller coaster rides along the way.
Thank you for staying in, and not retreating from, my life.
I was holding on to myself mentally by a thread as I drove to the center, tears already making their way out from ducts I had tried to will closed so the waterworks couldn't escape. When I went inside, I told myself that the cheerfulness of everyone here would help me get my act together.
Amelia came to get me. She and Sara had on some very colorful tops to their scrubs, one even in lime green, which made me smile. Sara, who has spent the most time with me and is pretty perceptive asked me how things were going, "really..." she added and waited for my answer.
As I was lying down on the treatment table, I told her that I'd had better days and a few little trickles escaped from my eyes. She reassured me that I was likely to have days like that, but that we all do. "Sometimes the best thing is to just go home and have a good cry," she said, sharing a time she did just that and how she felt afterwards. I've done it too.
Amelia was trying to get me into the correct place on the table, the usual tug and yank method, when she said, "I have to get you crooked so I can straighten you up!" For some reason, it made me laugh and we all were laughing at the oxymoron. Instantly the cloudiness lifted...it felt great! Laughter really WAS the best medicine today!
I asked Sara if it was possible to smell an odor as if something was burning, because the last three days, I'd had that smell. She said she had been told that before by other patients but had not experienced anything like that herself. Said she felt we likely have sensitive smell. Didn't confirm or deny what it was or might have been so I am still curious. Is it the machine or inside me? Still makes me wonder...
Friday's are x-ray days to make sure they are hitting their target area and we are still on track. Amelia proudly announced,"Your X-rays are perfect! Everything is going great!" It felt good to hear something like that even though I don't want to be there.
When treatment was over for the day, I went back to the dressing room. Karen was there and she told me a little about the last few days and how things were going with herself and her family. She asked a little about mine, or lack thereof. I explained about the deaths, the retirement, the move as briefly but sustinctly as I could. She was amazed and asked, "No kids, no siblings? Wow, that must be tough!"
At that moment, I felt the doors open on those tear ducts again as I responded with, "Yeah, more than you know. This wasn't the life I had in mind but there must be a reason." Nothing more needed to be said. As Amelia came to get her for treatment, I stood up to leave as she did. Karen's spontaneous and empathetic hug was exactly what I needed.
Walked out deciding if I should go home and have a pity party for myself or do something different. I'd already had a misunderstanding with a dear friend yesterday and have ridden the roller coaster of emotions up and down for several days, getting nowhere. And before you ask, I was with friends on Wednesday AND Thursday, not alone, and wore a great mask through it all too. I'm really well practiced at that. Always felt it better not to have others be concerned and if I don't show anything, they won't know anything...or so I like to think. ;-)
Got into the car and headed south to Grand Haven. Pulled into a shady parking space in the Municipal lot next to where you view the Musical Fountain, put a leash on Foxy and told her, "We are going for a good walk. It's sunny, breezy, the boats are out, there are people all over, and we are walking to the pier and back." That's exactly what we did.
It was nice to wear my dog out for once instead of visa versa. By the time I'd finished enjoying the view and the walk, the endorphins were filling my brain and body with healing and positive thoughts. I felt great!
We'll avoid weekends there, but walks a couple days a week would be good and uplifting for both of us. Ever since I first walked that boardwalk last summer, I have found it to be a wonderful, reflective, and stimulating place for me and my spirit. If I lose a few pounds and get some strength back in my knee, that will be a bonus! LOL
Sometimes I have a face I wear to protect you from my feelings and me from feeling yours. I call it my "you don't need to know or worry" face. It is positive, happy, smiling and better and more comforting for all of you to see.
I am still that private person who just happens to have a blog. I don't want pity or people feeling like they have to do things for me or take over things for me. I am used to doing things for others, not asking people to do things for me. But I will, when the time is right and I realize I need to.
And though I personally feel I am sometimes...I am not broken, unable, incompetent, or invisible.
Granted, I am not the same person I was back in March and I presently have a few physical and emotional hurdles to deal with. But with your kind words, understanding, and support, one day at a time seems reasonable, doable, and worth all the roller coaster rides along the way.
Thank you for staying in, and not retreating from, my life.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
My Kind of Weather Outside, not Inside Weds. Aug. 25, 2010
Woke up on my own without the alarm this morning so I must be getting used to the 8:00 am time slot once again. The difficult part was having my mind already filled with things I did not want to think about. Before I even knew it, my eyes were filled with tears. Crappy way to start a morning!
I got up and tried to figure out what to wear while my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton. I fumbled around, tried on this, that, not satisfied with anything in particular, not caring completely either. When I finally settled on something I vowed to get more things clean when I got home, get some things ironed that I had carelessly thrown down, and again, I was upset with myself for the little things, things that in the long run, really don't matter.
Even though it is cooler today and very pleasant, I still hesitate to take Foxy because of what it "might" become. She looks at me with those sad eyes and even though her tail is wagging, I feel guilty and sad to leave her, but I do.
Drove the usual route the usual way to the usual turn off and the usual parking space, but I feel my life isn't usual at all. It isn't going where I thought it would, I am not ending up how I thought I should, and I really don't know where I want to be or go from here.
Greeted Kristin at the desk with my usual smile, a bit more painted on that before, walk down the hall, the usual routine. While I was in my cubicle Karen came in as we are pretty much scheduled for the same time.
When we were both waiting, she got to talking about her 4 year old grandson and how he was anxiously waiting for Nana to get her owie treated so they could spend the special day together. I listened and laughed and at the same time, envied her for the family and the joys in her life. It's the usual...I am not.
Absentmindedly, I had left my bra on today and in my embarrassing moment, didn't even realize it until Sara opened the hospital wrap to get my breast exposed. There are just no brain cells of significant value engaged this morning. They chuckled along with me, says it happens often, and kept the conversation going. Treatment was over much more quickly than it had begun!
As I walked out, I saw Karen, her grandson, and a relative walking out to the car together. That is so how I saw myself many times over the years.
I am headed back home to pick up Foxy so she can at least have a ride to the coffee shop this morning where I will meet several of my friends for our weekly visit. I will listen as one tells of her exploits, another shares her weekend, and then just float in and out of the chatter that will fill the space, grateful for at least an hour that I won't have to think, or feel, hurt or care. Everyone here has families, kids and grandkids...the usual.
Hopefully after this time with others, things will look brighter rather than how they feel right now. I may be Stage I, I may be "lucky" as everyone frequently reminds me, but today I just wish I didn't have to deal with myself and my thoughts and this c-thing was only an "almost" that really didn't happen...and that is becoming more and more, the usual.
I got up and tried to figure out what to wear while my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton. I fumbled around, tried on this, that, not satisfied with anything in particular, not caring completely either. When I finally settled on something I vowed to get more things clean when I got home, get some things ironed that I had carelessly thrown down, and again, I was upset with myself for the little things, things that in the long run, really don't matter.
Even though it is cooler today and very pleasant, I still hesitate to take Foxy because of what it "might" become. She looks at me with those sad eyes and even though her tail is wagging, I feel guilty and sad to leave her, but I do.
Drove the usual route the usual way to the usual turn off and the usual parking space, but I feel my life isn't usual at all. It isn't going where I thought it would, I am not ending up how I thought I should, and I really don't know where I want to be or go from here.
Greeted Kristin at the desk with my usual smile, a bit more painted on that before, walk down the hall, the usual routine. While I was in my cubicle Karen came in as we are pretty much scheduled for the same time.
When we were both waiting, she got to talking about her 4 year old grandson and how he was anxiously waiting for Nana to get her owie treated so they could spend the special day together. I listened and laughed and at the same time, envied her for the family and the joys in her life. It's the usual...I am not.
Absentmindedly, I had left my bra on today and in my embarrassing moment, didn't even realize it until Sara opened the hospital wrap to get my breast exposed. There are just no brain cells of significant value engaged this morning. They chuckled along with me, says it happens often, and kept the conversation going. Treatment was over much more quickly than it had begun!
As I walked out, I saw Karen, her grandson, and a relative walking out to the car together. That is so how I saw myself many times over the years.
I am headed back home to pick up Foxy so she can at least have a ride to the coffee shop this morning where I will meet several of my friends for our weekly visit. I will listen as one tells of her exploits, another shares her weekend, and then just float in and out of the chatter that will fill the space, grateful for at least an hour that I won't have to think, or feel, hurt or care. Everyone here has families, kids and grandkids...the usual.
Hopefully after this time with others, things will look brighter rather than how they feel right now. I may be Stage I, I may be "lucky" as everyone frequently reminds me, but today I just wish I didn't have to deal with myself and my thoughts and this c-thing was only an "almost" that really didn't happen...and that is becoming more and more, the usual.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Love Comes in Many Forms
Had a lovely visit with a friend this morning, partly when we were both driving in our cars. I could hear the excitement in his voice as he talked of new plans, new decisions, and a future that looked brighter than it had in a very long time. Knowing of the hardships that have been endured, I certainly couldn't have been any more delighted to hear the excitement in his voice. This was definitely going to be a week filled with much joy, fun and positive events for him and that in itself makes me smile. He has been through SO much, it is time!
When we disconnected, my only thought was that I hope it's all for real this time. I hope things will continue to move forward and the relationship will develop into everything he has hoped for, sacrificed for, and believed would happen. Finally an opportunity for more flexibility, more time to work on the relationship and a chance for closeness rather than being at a distance so much of the time.
Loving at a distance is something I know a lot about, after having been married for 27 years with 19 of those being at a distance. Only geography, not in our hearts, however. Jamie was busy with his project and finally achieving and obtaining the patent for it he so richly deserved. I completed a very successful and delightful 32 years of teaching with wonderful opportunities, memorable activities, and dear students and colleagues, able to do many things a move east would not have allowed me to accomplish. He recognized that, I didn't at the time.
Love for us meant sacrificing things and we did that for each other without thinking. Sometimes I regret things, as I think we all do. But then I look at the many ways that I am richer for that experience. I know about giving, trusting, honoring, believing, and sacrificing for something or someone you believe in. It wasn't an effort, it just was the way it should be because of loving someone that much.
Would I recommend that lifestyle to anyone else? Not likely, for it wasn't what I grew up wanting. I always believed I would have the house, the wonderful husband to come home to or who came home every night to adore, and children to enjoy even at their worst moments and delight in helping and loving as they became adults.
But I was loved, incredibly much, and loved him deeply as well. We knew it and I see more and more how very blessed I was after all and how much I want it and more for those I care about.
When we disconnected, my only thought was that I hope it's all for real this time. I hope things will continue to move forward and the relationship will develop into everything he has hoped for, sacrificed for, and believed would happen. Finally an opportunity for more flexibility, more time to work on the relationship and a chance for closeness rather than being at a distance so much of the time.
Loving at a distance is something I know a lot about, after having been married for 27 years with 19 of those being at a distance. Only geography, not in our hearts, however. Jamie was busy with his project and finally achieving and obtaining the patent for it he so richly deserved. I completed a very successful and delightful 32 years of teaching with wonderful opportunities, memorable activities, and dear students and colleagues, able to do many things a move east would not have allowed me to accomplish. He recognized that, I didn't at the time.
Love for us meant sacrificing things and we did that for each other without thinking. Sometimes I regret things, as I think we all do. But then I look at the many ways that I am richer for that experience. I know about giving, trusting, honoring, believing, and sacrificing for something or someone you believe in. It wasn't an effort, it just was the way it should be because of loving someone that much.
Would I recommend that lifestyle to anyone else? Not likely, for it wasn't what I grew up wanting. I always believed I would have the house, the wonderful husband to come home to or who came home every night to adore, and children to enjoy even at their worst moments and delight in helping and loving as they became adults.
But I was loved, incredibly much, and loved him deeply as well. We knew it and I see more and more how very blessed I was after all and how much I want it and more for those I care about.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Saturday was painful, mentally and physically August 21, 2010
I awoke about 6 am to rain drops on the air conditioner. With a hope it might cool things off, I rolled over, drifting back to sleep. When the alarm went off at 9:00, I got up slowly with pain in the front upper leg muscles I hadn't felt before. Lowering myself into a sitting position, raising myself from one...the pain from my knee along the top of my femur was excrutiating! I walked around hoping to loosen things up a bit before heading to work where I could be on my feet for nearly four hours.
Around 10:30 I went out to the garage to get into the car and head to work. There I found the garage door wide open, rain having found its way inside about four feet, some things surrounding the door getting wet, as I realized what I had done, and I felt frustration build. I NEVER leave the garage door open!
My thoughts began bouncing all over the place. What is wrong with me lately? Is my mind going too? What will I do if THAT happens? I don't have time to deal with any of this now and I don't care! Talk about doing a great job of beating myself up! I eased into the car, wincing from the pain that was shooting through the muscles in my upper leg and praying that it would ease up soon.
Again, it was heating up outside, getting muggy and I found myself having some difficulty breathing. I turned the air on in the car full blast and tried to forget everything...my stupidity, the pain in my legs, the discomfort I was experiencing, the heat I was feeling in my body as another hot flash loomed unmercifully and the frustration as the sweat started to creep from my hairline and slither down my face.
I enjoy working at the Hokey Pokey, interacting with the customers and the wonderful, caring people who work there. The store was busy in spurts keeping us all actively involved in the goings on and needs of those who were shopping. I found myself needing to sit down on a high bar stool during the last hour to help as I was also feeling whipped.
My friend John who was also working today reminded me that not only could my physical and medical challenges cause me to be tired, but the toll this was taking on me emotionally is draining as well. Of course that made sense and I appreciated his thoughtfulness in helping with a reason for feeling the way I was. But I felt like things were coming at me from all sides today and I was losing! When the other two gals that were taking over the shifts at 2:30 arrived, as much as I love being there with everyone, I was desperately wanting to get home.
I walked around with Foxy for a little while once I got there, but even she didn't want to stay outside for long. Making sure to close the garage door this time, I went inside to finish up the laundry and see what I else I could do. My legs were aching and I couldn't get to the Tylenol fast enough. This really surprised me as I'd never experienced pain in this area before. Everytime I got up and down, pain would shoot up and down, feeling tight and making me reluctant to move. I decided to try lying down and went in to read for awhile. Before I knew it, I had again fallen asleep, waking about an hour later. This is getting ridiculous!
Feeling the pain in my legs again, my monkey mind began to run rampant with thoughts of cancer showing up in my bones, or maybe in my brain since I seemed to have trouble remembering things lately. I started to wonder when it would return again. Would it be a few months or a few years after the aromatase inhibitor ceased and my estrogen could flow freely once again? I felt anger seeping in, directed at my body for betraying me and letting those cells grow happily and spontaneously while surrounded by a defense system that seemed to retreat rather than report for duty.
I gathered up Foxy and we went for a short ride. I think I would have gone on until time or gas ran out right then because I didn't care where I went or for how long. Who would care anyway? Who would even know I was gone? What difference would my absence make? How long would it take before anyone realized I was missing? Would it even matter?
Like a slap on the head, I was reminded that I was meeting Nancy at 7:15 to see the play, Blithe Spirit, at the Howmet. There was no time for self pity or childish behavior and I needed to get a serious grip. I turned the car around, let Foxy continue to enjoy the window, and we made our way from anywhere and everywhere to home.
It was cooler now, a break from the humidity for us this evening. The play was delightful, Nancy's laughter contagious and her company enjoyable as always. I got home around 10:15.
Foxy and I walked around outside again, this time grateful for a break from the hot and humid nights as well as the daytime hours. I wanted to enjoy the pleasant evening and walk off the remaining nervous energy before it took me over again.
Hopefully, things will feel better and look a bit brighter in the morning.
Around 10:30 I went out to the garage to get into the car and head to work. There I found the garage door wide open, rain having found its way inside about four feet, some things surrounding the door getting wet, as I realized what I had done, and I felt frustration build. I NEVER leave the garage door open!
My thoughts began bouncing all over the place. What is wrong with me lately? Is my mind going too? What will I do if THAT happens? I don't have time to deal with any of this now and I don't care! Talk about doing a great job of beating myself up! I eased into the car, wincing from the pain that was shooting through the muscles in my upper leg and praying that it would ease up soon.
Again, it was heating up outside, getting muggy and I found myself having some difficulty breathing. I turned the air on in the car full blast and tried to forget everything...my stupidity, the pain in my legs, the discomfort I was experiencing, the heat I was feeling in my body as another hot flash loomed unmercifully and the frustration as the sweat started to creep from my hairline and slither down my face.
I enjoy working at the Hokey Pokey, interacting with the customers and the wonderful, caring people who work there. The store was busy in spurts keeping us all actively involved in the goings on and needs of those who were shopping. I found myself needing to sit down on a high bar stool during the last hour to help as I was also feeling whipped.
My friend John who was also working today reminded me that not only could my physical and medical challenges cause me to be tired, but the toll this was taking on me emotionally is draining as well. Of course that made sense and I appreciated his thoughtfulness in helping with a reason for feeling the way I was. But I felt like things were coming at me from all sides today and I was losing! When the other two gals that were taking over the shifts at 2:30 arrived, as much as I love being there with everyone, I was desperately wanting to get home.
I walked around with Foxy for a little while once I got there, but even she didn't want to stay outside for long. Making sure to close the garage door this time, I went inside to finish up the laundry and see what I else I could do. My legs were aching and I couldn't get to the Tylenol fast enough. This really surprised me as I'd never experienced pain in this area before. Everytime I got up and down, pain would shoot up and down, feeling tight and making me reluctant to move. I decided to try lying down and went in to read for awhile. Before I knew it, I had again fallen asleep, waking about an hour later. This is getting ridiculous!
Feeling the pain in my legs again, my monkey mind began to run rampant with thoughts of cancer showing up in my bones, or maybe in my brain since I seemed to have trouble remembering things lately. I started to wonder when it would return again. Would it be a few months or a few years after the aromatase inhibitor ceased and my estrogen could flow freely once again? I felt anger seeping in, directed at my body for betraying me and letting those cells grow happily and spontaneously while surrounded by a defense system that seemed to retreat rather than report for duty.
I gathered up Foxy and we went for a short ride. I think I would have gone on until time or gas ran out right then because I didn't care where I went or for how long. Who would care anyway? Who would even know I was gone? What difference would my absence make? How long would it take before anyone realized I was missing? Would it even matter?
Like a slap on the head, I was reminded that I was meeting Nancy at 7:15 to see the play, Blithe Spirit, at the Howmet. There was no time for self pity or childish behavior and I needed to get a serious grip. I turned the car around, let Foxy continue to enjoy the window, and we made our way from anywhere and everywhere to home.
It was cooler now, a break from the humidity for us this evening. The play was delightful, Nancy's laughter contagious and her company enjoyable as always. I got home around 10:15.
Foxy and I walked around outside again, this time grateful for a break from the hot and humid nights as well as the daytime hours. I wanted to enjoy the pleasant evening and walk off the remaining nervous energy before it took me over again.
Hopefully, things will feel better and look a bit brighter in the morning.
Friday was TOO hot! Aug. 21, 2010
Yesterday and today are too filled with humidity for my liking! No matter how I try to focus on the positives, my activities, things I am accomplishing, the weather isn't helping my disposition today at all. When it gets so warm and the air so thick that it feels like I am breathing water, my energy is zapped and sometimes my attitude right along with it!
After a busy Thursday, I was happy to settle into a spot at home, get some paperwork done, clean up around the house and start on a few projects. I went out to set up the hose to get some plants watered that needed it and and hurried back into the house, grateful for the air conditioners that were humming away and keeping things reasonable inside. With the sun now beating down fiercely on the roof, without them I wouldn't have had a chance to beat the heat at all.
I chatted with a friend on line, tried to get caught up with some emails, then felt an overwhelming need to go lie down about 2:00. With drooping eyelids, it didn't take me more than a few minutes to fall asleep, waking up with a start about 3:30! I always try to remind myself that I only do that when I need it and I was lacking a few hours in sleep this week.
About 5:30, I received a request from my friend Sondra to help turn pages for a friend during his concert this evening. As cool as I felt and eager to help, I agreed to do it. It helped that I was planning to attend anyway. What I didn't count on was how incredibly hot it was outside!
The concert was in a favorite church in the area that relies solely on fans and a prayer for some sort of breeze to flow through the open windows. There wasn't much at all and at 7:00pm, it was well in the 80's outside still, so you can just imagine how stifling it was indoors. Even though my outfit was cotton and I was drinking ice water, nothing was successful in keeping me cool. Add to that the inevitable hot flashes that strike without warning. There was no end to the sweat that seemed to be everywhere.
Bryan, the pianist and friend I was turning pages for, was not comfortable with the heat either, especially with all physical requirements of playing incredibly technical pieces of music that required energy from beginning to end. There was a fan positioned right behind where we were seated to try and help, but the help it gave, especially the second half of the concert, was minimal. The four selections they performed were amazing, especially under such taxing conditions, and their performance thoroughly delighted audience members. People were gracious and thanked them both but also dispersed pretty quickly, heading to air conditioned cars, homes and maybe even restaurants to escape the intense heat.
Except for the heat I enjoyed the wonderful opportunity to assist Bryan and take part in the concert. Up and down, up and down to turn pages. I am beginning to feel muscles in my upper legs I didn't even know were there.
How thankful to return home! Went outside to turn off the sprinkler chuckling as I'd heard there was a likelihood of some rain tonight. Well naturally, I just watered today so that makes perfect sense! LOL I had gone right from my car parked in the garage to the faucet to turn off the water. Without thinking, I left the garage door open, went into the house to take off my heels, peeled off my sticky clothes and cool my body down in the shower. By 10:00, I was done for the night.
Oh I hope for a cooler day tomorrow!
After a busy Thursday, I was happy to settle into a spot at home, get some paperwork done, clean up around the house and start on a few projects. I went out to set up the hose to get some plants watered that needed it and and hurried back into the house, grateful for the air conditioners that were humming away and keeping things reasonable inside. With the sun now beating down fiercely on the roof, without them I wouldn't have had a chance to beat the heat at all.
I chatted with a friend on line, tried to get caught up with some emails, then felt an overwhelming need to go lie down about 2:00. With drooping eyelids, it didn't take me more than a few minutes to fall asleep, waking up with a start about 3:30! I always try to remind myself that I only do that when I need it and I was lacking a few hours in sleep this week.
About 5:30, I received a request from my friend Sondra to help turn pages for a friend during his concert this evening. As cool as I felt and eager to help, I agreed to do it. It helped that I was planning to attend anyway. What I didn't count on was how incredibly hot it was outside!
The concert was in a favorite church in the area that relies solely on fans and a prayer for some sort of breeze to flow through the open windows. There wasn't much at all and at 7:00pm, it was well in the 80's outside still, so you can just imagine how stifling it was indoors. Even though my outfit was cotton and I was drinking ice water, nothing was successful in keeping me cool. Add to that the inevitable hot flashes that strike without warning. There was no end to the sweat that seemed to be everywhere.
Bryan, the pianist and friend I was turning pages for, was not comfortable with the heat either, especially with all physical requirements of playing incredibly technical pieces of music that required energy from beginning to end. There was a fan positioned right behind where we were seated to try and help, but the help it gave, especially the second half of the concert, was minimal. The four selections they performed were amazing, especially under such taxing conditions, and their performance thoroughly delighted audience members. People were gracious and thanked them both but also dispersed pretty quickly, heading to air conditioned cars, homes and maybe even restaurants to escape the intense heat.
Except for the heat I enjoyed the wonderful opportunity to assist Bryan and take part in the concert. Up and down, up and down to turn pages. I am beginning to feel muscles in my upper legs I didn't even know were there.
How thankful to return home! Went outside to turn off the sprinkler chuckling as I'd heard there was a likelihood of some rain tonight. Well naturally, I just watered today so that makes perfect sense! LOL I had gone right from my car parked in the garage to the faucet to turn off the water. Without thinking, I left the garage door open, went into the house to take off my heels, peeled off my sticky clothes and cool my body down in the shower. By 10:00, I was done for the night.
Oh I hope for a cooler day tomorrow!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Shopping with Jessica and Julia Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Today was a girly girl day! My friend Jessica had invited me to come along on a school shopping expedition to the mall in search of clothes for six year old daughter, Julia. The boys were camping with their uncle, dad Paul was at work, and we were off to Riverview Crossing in Grand Rapids to see what bargains we could find.
When we arrived, we parked by the huge Cinema and went inside the two story mall, wandering from store to store to store! Only stopping for lunch, we ended up finding four dresses, two top and skirt outfits, one pair of leggings, and two swimsuits for next year. With Jessica's bargain hunting skills, she saved WAY more than they cost.
Every time Julia tried them on, we couldn't believe how fortunate we were to find something else. Her big smile let us know each time she loved what she was wearing and her mom always checked to make sure she really liked it. You should have seen how delighted she was when she found the glittery hot pink tennis shoes with little silver hearts! LOL
Nearing the end of the afternoon, we were all getting pretty tired. Can't tell you how many times we went up and down the escalators, but we rode the elevator twice because she loved it. All surrounded with glass, it was huge and we put her in charge of the buttons. Such power she had! We went into all the major department stores, hit a few other stores along the way and covered the length on the top floor and the bottom. Definitely got our walking in today!
When we got back to the house, Julia picked out a girl movie for us to watch and it was "Hairspray". Tonight she got to also choose a backwards dinner and so far selected ice cream and then salad. With a few small additions, we all enjoyed dinner and a movie, some down time after a very busy day.
Time had really passed quickly. It was around 8 when I finally left, knowing I had Foxy at home waiting for dinner after a long day alone. I had a little confusion regarding an earlier message I had left a friend and upon seeing her two missed messages, I called her right away to explain what had happened to my plans not hearing her calls. I sensed some aggravation and disappointment and accepted responsibility for not seeing her message earlier this evening. I had said "maybe..." but I'll know better than to say even that next time.
When silence returned to the car, I found I felt a little emptiness. Different scenes from the day filled my thoughts and I considered my own life. I had always wanted a daughter of my own, came close a couple times, but it wasn't meant to be. I felt a bit of regret creeping in.
Being tired and before I could let my emotions get the best of me, I thought of many things I had shared over the years with my students. The way they made me feel, the things we created and shared together, all the activities that kept us busy and alive, and how blessed I was to be in touch with many of them even now.
You know, not everyone can say they have over 2000 kids...but I can! LOL And even if all of them aren't in touch anymore, they will always be part of my memories and most of them have a space in my heart. I felt a smile creep back onto my face and some of those memories flash into my mind.
Right to the very end...it has been a really great day!
When we arrived, we parked by the huge Cinema and went inside the two story mall, wandering from store to store to store! Only stopping for lunch, we ended up finding four dresses, two top and skirt outfits, one pair of leggings, and two swimsuits for next year. With Jessica's bargain hunting skills, she saved WAY more than they cost.
Every time Julia tried them on, we couldn't believe how fortunate we were to find something else. Her big smile let us know each time she loved what she was wearing and her mom always checked to make sure she really liked it. You should have seen how delighted she was when she found the glittery hot pink tennis shoes with little silver hearts! LOL
Nearing the end of the afternoon, we were all getting pretty tired. Can't tell you how many times we went up and down the escalators, but we rode the elevator twice because she loved it. All surrounded with glass, it was huge and we put her in charge of the buttons. Such power she had! We went into all the major department stores, hit a few other stores along the way and covered the length on the top floor and the bottom. Definitely got our walking in today!
When we got back to the house, Julia picked out a girl movie for us to watch and it was "Hairspray". Tonight she got to also choose a backwards dinner and so far selected ice cream and then salad. With a few small additions, we all enjoyed dinner and a movie, some down time after a very busy day.
Time had really passed quickly. It was around 8 when I finally left, knowing I had Foxy at home waiting for dinner after a long day alone. I had a little confusion regarding an earlier message I had left a friend and upon seeing her two missed messages, I called her right away to explain what had happened to my plans not hearing her calls. I sensed some aggravation and disappointment and accepted responsibility for not seeing her message earlier this evening. I had said "maybe..." but I'll know better than to say even that next time.
When silence returned to the car, I found I felt a little emptiness. Different scenes from the day filled my thoughts and I considered my own life. I had always wanted a daughter of my own, came close a couple times, but it wasn't meant to be. I felt a bit of regret creeping in.
Being tired and before I could let my emotions get the best of me, I thought of many things I had shared over the years with my students. The way they made me feel, the things we created and shared together, all the activities that kept us busy and alive, and how blessed I was to be in touch with many of them even now.
You know, not everyone can say they have over 2000 kids...but I can! LOL And even if all of them aren't in touch anymore, they will always be part of my memories and most of them have a space in my heart. I felt a smile creep back onto my face and some of those memories flash into my mind.
Right to the very end...it has been a really great day!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Tuesday's are Doctor Days August 17, 2010
Checked in, changed, waited. Karen was already there today so we were talking for awhile when Sara came to get me.
This time I was lying down ready to begin when Amelia, one of the other techs, flipped the light switch as she left to get behind the wall. I didn't want to say anything this time so I just dealt with it. Silly that something like that would be disconcerting, but I really didn't like the bright overhead lights on in the room.
When Trilogy finished, I mentioned to Sara that I hoped I didn't have to have the bright lights on every time because it wasn't as comfortable for me. She told me all I needed was to say something and they would keep them off, relying only on the lower lighting. It was just habit that had them turning the lights up because many patients prefer that.
After treatment, I went back to the dressing room, got my clothes out of the locker, and waited patiently for Dr. Tate's nurse to come and get me. After about 15 minutes, I was taken to the other side of the wing and accompanied into an exam room. There, the oncology nurse took my temperature which was 97.2, pretty normal for me; then my blood pressure which was 123 over 83, and asked about any problems I'd been having, etc. After putting everything into the computer, she left me to wait for the doctor.
When Dr. Tate arrived, he greeted me warmly and asked how I felt about the radiology procedures and my two treatments so far. We chatted in general for a few minutes, he reviewed the information on the computer screen and checked on a few things regarding my health. He told me some things to watch for and then said that the first two appointments with him were likely to be a bit boring, to which I couldn't help but laugh. After those, he said, we'd likely have some things to talk about more extensively. He asked me if I had any questions, thanked me for coming in and he was off and so was I.
Two days down, 31 more to go. Still, no big deal and today I'm off to Starbucks for a white chocolate mocha latte. What a treat!
This time I was lying down ready to begin when Amelia, one of the other techs, flipped the light switch as she left to get behind the wall. I didn't want to say anything this time so I just dealt with it. Silly that something like that would be disconcerting, but I really didn't like the bright overhead lights on in the room.
When Trilogy finished, I mentioned to Sara that I hoped I didn't have to have the bright lights on every time because it wasn't as comfortable for me. She told me all I needed was to say something and they would keep them off, relying only on the lower lighting. It was just habit that had them turning the lights up because many patients prefer that.
After treatment, I went back to the dressing room, got my clothes out of the locker, and waited patiently for Dr. Tate's nurse to come and get me. After about 15 minutes, I was taken to the other side of the wing and accompanied into an exam room. There, the oncology nurse took my temperature which was 97.2, pretty normal for me; then my blood pressure which was 123 over 83, and asked about any problems I'd been having, etc. After putting everything into the computer, she left me to wait for the doctor.
When Dr. Tate arrived, he greeted me warmly and asked how I felt about the radiology procedures and my two treatments so far. We chatted in general for a few minutes, he reviewed the information on the computer screen and checked on a few things regarding my health. He told me some things to watch for and then said that the first two appointments with him were likely to be a bit boring, to which I couldn't help but laugh. After those, he said, we'd likely have some things to talk about more extensively. He asked me if I had any questions, thanked me for coming in and he was off and so was I.
Two days down, 31 more to go. Still, no big deal and today I'm off to Starbucks for a white chocolate mocha latte. What a treat!
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Real Thing Monday, Aug. 16, 2010
First day of radiation treatments. I was nervous in a way but didn't want to admit it to myself or anyone else. One thing I knew was that the radiation technicians would do their best to make sure I was comfortable and understood what was going on. I knew what the routine was and the expectations when I arrived.
First, check in at the registration desk because then the techs will know I have arrived. Second, walk to the women's dressing room at the back of the radiation area, pick out a curtained room and a locker, take off everything above the waist and drape yourself in one of those beautiful beige gowns. Third, find a comfy chair, check out the TV (which is either set on CNN or FOX news) and wait...
Grant came to get me and Sara was waiting by the table when I walked into the room. There before me was Trilogy, the machine I was going to be getting quite intimate with for the next six weeks. Taller than I am and at least four feet in width, it was ready to begin to irradiate my cancer cells. All I had to do was lie down on the black table and let it all happen. The two of them helped place my arms comfortably above my head in the stirrups, opened my gown then placed a towel over both breasts.
They stood on either side of me, Sara pulling on the sheet underneath my body, first adjusting my hip position with a tug, then my upper body. All the time I can see my reflection in Trilogy's "picture window" just to my right. There is a lime green laser light running vertically down the middle of my chest as they get things lined up. Sara folds back the towel to expose my left breast and they double check how the laser light lines line up with my three center tattoos.
Leaving the overhead lights low, Grant tells me they are about to get started. "All you need to do is relax, the machine will do everything else. We are going back behind the wall. If you need anything, just let us know, we can always hear you." With a thank you, I told them I'd be fine. This first time, I was just going to listen to the music, close my eyes, and get used to the sound of the machine. He gently pushed my bed of sorts under Trilogy's large head and I heard the whirr...it was time.
Very slowly, the head moved to my right hand side at an angle, poised to direct two beams about 8 seconds each to the designated area in the upper right quadrant. Once those were done, Trilogy's large head rotated over top of me to take it's place directly opposite from where it had just been and was now below my left side. This time, the two beams of about 8 seconds each would be directed at an angle upwards. Afterwards, Trilogy seems to sigh as it returns to the overhead position.
Grant and Sara came in, asked how I felt, helped me get myself upright and gave some assistance to make sure I could slide off the table without any dizziness. We shared a few more words and some chuckles and I walked out of the treatment room, past the control station with all the computer screens and the other two technicians seated there, eyes focused on the screens, and went back to the dressing area.
When I walked back in I thought, this is no big deal. Why would anyone be concerned about 33 days of this? Nothing to it! As I entered, I noticed and attractive, young looking woman likely in her forties, seated in one of the other chairs. We introduced ourselves and I discovered, among other things, that Karen had been having treatments for her breast cancer for about 10 days. I asked if she would feel comfortable sharing a little about what she has experienced and she did.
She was blessed with a large family in the area who insisted on taking her to her treatments from the very start. She was certain she could have made it fine the first week too but was now beginning to feel glad she had the company. Even though she could drive, she appreciated that someone else came along, the conversation was usually not about the treatment or cancer, and it was a nice diversion. A couple days she actually felt a little tired and was glad she didn't have to drive herself. I remembered riding in the car with Walt to surgery, with Carol to my oncologist and radiologist visit. It was nice to be distracted with things going on in their lives and not have time to focus on my cancer and the events of the day. Amazing how much calmer and relaxed I was when I arrived.
Karen also explained some of the physical things she was experiencing already. An area that resembled a burn was starting to appear. Her skin was drying and was becoming irritated so she purchased some cream there for about $20.00 which definitely seemed to help. She was frustrated with her solid deodorant, the kind we were asked to get, and I was able to help. I had found the specialized, recommended brand on sale at Walgreen's in a roll on and she was delighted. She could hardly wait to stop on her way home and pick up some. It felt good to be able to share and learn from someone else who was going through the same thing as me.
This doesn't seem like it's going to be so bad as far as the treatments. The body changes, skin changes, feelings of fatigue, mood swings, and other things we talked about? Well, everyone is different.
As for company and rides? It's something to think about. I don't have to decide now, it's just the first day!! We'll see how I feel on Friday or next Monday.
1 treatment down...32 more to go.
First, check in at the registration desk because then the techs will know I have arrived. Second, walk to the women's dressing room at the back of the radiation area, pick out a curtained room and a locker, take off everything above the waist and drape yourself in one of those beautiful beige gowns. Third, find a comfy chair, check out the TV (which is either set on CNN or FOX news) and wait...
Grant came to get me and Sara was waiting by the table when I walked into the room. There before me was Trilogy, the machine I was going to be getting quite intimate with for the next six weeks. Taller than I am and at least four feet in width, it was ready to begin to irradiate my cancer cells. All I had to do was lie down on the black table and let it all happen. The two of them helped place my arms comfortably above my head in the stirrups, opened my gown then placed a towel over both breasts.
They stood on either side of me, Sara pulling on the sheet underneath my body, first adjusting my hip position with a tug, then my upper body. All the time I can see my reflection in Trilogy's "picture window" just to my right. There is a lime green laser light running vertically down the middle of my chest as they get things lined up. Sara folds back the towel to expose my left breast and they double check how the laser light lines line up with my three center tattoos.
Leaving the overhead lights low, Grant tells me they are about to get started. "All you need to do is relax, the machine will do everything else. We are going back behind the wall. If you need anything, just let us know, we can always hear you." With a thank you, I told them I'd be fine. This first time, I was just going to listen to the music, close my eyes, and get used to the sound of the machine. He gently pushed my bed of sorts under Trilogy's large head and I heard the whirr...it was time.
Very slowly, the head moved to my right hand side at an angle, poised to direct two beams about 8 seconds each to the designated area in the upper right quadrant. Once those were done, Trilogy's large head rotated over top of me to take it's place directly opposite from where it had just been and was now below my left side. This time, the two beams of about 8 seconds each would be directed at an angle upwards. Afterwards, Trilogy seems to sigh as it returns to the overhead position.
Grant and Sara came in, asked how I felt, helped me get myself upright and gave some assistance to make sure I could slide off the table without any dizziness. We shared a few more words and some chuckles and I walked out of the treatment room, past the control station with all the computer screens and the other two technicians seated there, eyes focused on the screens, and went back to the dressing area.
When I walked back in I thought, this is no big deal. Why would anyone be concerned about 33 days of this? Nothing to it! As I entered, I noticed and attractive, young looking woman likely in her forties, seated in one of the other chairs. We introduced ourselves and I discovered, among other things, that Karen had been having treatments for her breast cancer for about 10 days. I asked if she would feel comfortable sharing a little about what she has experienced and she did.
She was blessed with a large family in the area who insisted on taking her to her treatments from the very start. She was certain she could have made it fine the first week too but was now beginning to feel glad she had the company. Even though she could drive, she appreciated that someone else came along, the conversation was usually not about the treatment or cancer, and it was a nice diversion. A couple days she actually felt a little tired and was glad she didn't have to drive herself. I remembered riding in the car with Walt to surgery, with Carol to my oncologist and radiologist visit. It was nice to be distracted with things going on in their lives and not have time to focus on my cancer and the events of the day. Amazing how much calmer and relaxed I was when I arrived.
Karen also explained some of the physical things she was experiencing already. An area that resembled a burn was starting to appear. Her skin was drying and was becoming irritated so she purchased some cream there for about $20.00 which definitely seemed to help. She was frustrated with her solid deodorant, the kind we were asked to get, and I was able to help. I had found the specialized, recommended brand on sale at Walgreen's in a roll on and she was delighted. She could hardly wait to stop on her way home and pick up some. It felt good to be able to share and learn from someone else who was going through the same thing as me.
This doesn't seem like it's going to be so bad as far as the treatments. The body changes, skin changes, feelings of fatigue, mood swings, and other things we talked about? Well, everyone is different.
As for company and rides? It's something to think about. I don't have to decide now, it's just the first day!! We'll see how I feel on Friday or next Monday.
1 treatment down...32 more to go.
General Info re: Radiation Therapy for those interested Monday am Aug. 16, 2010
Radiation Therapy or Radiotherapy is a treatment that uses radiation to destroy cancer cells. Radiation in low doses is used for x-rays to take pictures of the inside of your body. In high doses, radiation can kill cancer cells, shrink them and stop them from spreading.
Radiation treatments can affect healthy cells as well as the cancerous ones. Reddening of the skin in your breast area and changes in the texture of your breast are quite common. Radiation could affect drainage in your lymph nodes causing your arm to swell. You may have trouble moving your shoulder.
After you receive several treatments, you can feel tired, sore, weak and nauseous. Watch for depression, pain that doesn't go away, swelling, rashes, numbness, bruises, bleeding, weight loss, chest pain, fever, vomiting, constipation, cough, change in appetite, dizziness and diarrhea. Your doctor can prescribe medication that takes care of side effects, so you need to make your problems known.
According to the US Dept. Of Health and Human Services, 20 years of research show that women who have a lumpectomy followed by radiation treatment live as long as women who have their whole breast removed. Radiation treatment isn't painful while you are getting it, and the side effects can be managed.
Radiation therapy doesn't shrink and kill your cancer cells immediately. You can have weeks of treatment before they start to die, and cancer cells can keep dying for months after radiation treatments are over. Some of the side effects can remain for awhile also.
I hope you found this information helpful.
Radiation treatments can affect healthy cells as well as the cancerous ones. Reddening of the skin in your breast area and changes in the texture of your breast are quite common. Radiation could affect drainage in your lymph nodes causing your arm to swell. You may have trouble moving your shoulder.
After you receive several treatments, you can feel tired, sore, weak and nauseous. Watch for depression, pain that doesn't go away, swelling, rashes, numbness, bruises, bleeding, weight loss, chest pain, fever, vomiting, constipation, cough, change in appetite, dizziness and diarrhea. Your doctor can prescribe medication that takes care of side effects, so you need to make your problems known.
According to the US Dept. Of Health and Human Services, 20 years of research show that women who have a lumpectomy followed by radiation treatment live as long as women who have their whole breast removed. Radiation treatment isn't painful while you are getting it, and the side effects can be managed.
Radiation therapy doesn't shrink and kill your cancer cells immediately. You can have weeks of treatment before they start to die, and cancer cells can keep dying for months after radiation treatments are over. Some of the side effects can remain for awhile also.
I hope you found this information helpful.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Just Friday with Friends August 13, 2010
Friday was a good day. First the trip for my radiation simulation. Then I went back home to pick up Foxy, get my swimsuit just in case, and headed to spend some time with my friend Jessica and the kids. I always look forward to being there because we have a tendency to laugh more in a couple hours than many people do in a whole week! LOL
Sandy, Sandy and Diane thought up the idea of going out to dinner at the Hearthstone in Muskegon and then to see Eat, Pray, Love on it's first night in the theaters. I had read the book and was looking forward to seeing the movie, especially since I enjoy Julia Roberts so much.
Jessica and I were chatting away and I totally lost track of the time. I had already been there 3 hours and needed to be leaving to take Foxy home, change clothes and get to the restaurant by 4:45. As I pulled out of Jessica's driveway, I called Sandy and discovered plans had changed. The movie was in our hometown theater so we were headed for the new Mexican restaurant again at 6:00 and to the movie at 7:15. Foxy and I had a little down time before I was to meet them.
Dinner was ok, the company was enjoyable and the movie was thought provoking just as the book was. There were several times I found myself emotionally reacting to her thoughts, her character's perceptions, and the glimpses of self-discovery. My thoughts centered more around dreams long ago abandoned, goals not achieved, plans cast aside for responsibilities, sacrifices made for love and support, and wrestling with this annoying disease. Where do I go from here? I don't really have a clue!
Sandy, Sandy and Diane thought up the idea of going out to dinner at the Hearthstone in Muskegon and then to see Eat, Pray, Love on it's first night in the theaters. I had read the book and was looking forward to seeing the movie, especially since I enjoy Julia Roberts so much.
Jessica and I were chatting away and I totally lost track of the time. I had already been there 3 hours and needed to be leaving to take Foxy home, change clothes and get to the restaurant by 4:45. As I pulled out of Jessica's driveway, I called Sandy and discovered plans had changed. The movie was in our hometown theater so we were headed for the new Mexican restaurant again at 6:00 and to the movie at 7:15. Foxy and I had a little down time before I was to meet them.
Dinner was ok, the company was enjoyable and the movie was thought provoking just as the book was. There were several times I found myself emotionally reacting to her thoughts, her character's perceptions, and the glimpses of self-discovery. My thoughts centered more around dreams long ago abandoned, goals not achieved, plans cast aside for responsibilities, sacrifices made for love and support, and wrestling with this annoying disease. Where do I go from here? I don't really have a clue!
Radiation Simulation Experience Friday, August 13, 2010
At 10:45, I arrived at Johnson Center for my radiation simulation. I now just walk back, no longer having to check in with my birthdate and insurance card. As I walk to the end of the hallway, I first pass the room with the CAT scan machine I was introduced to last Friday. The next room is the visitors waiting room for those of you who may drive or just come along because you'd like to. The last door on the right is the women's dressing room with its bright corner grouping of privacy windows, chairs, wall tv, water cooler, and three comfortable, spacious dressing rooms with keyed lockers.
I chose the first one, closed the curtain, removed my clothing from the waist up, put on one of those incredibly attractive gowns again, and then placed all my belongings into the locker, closing it up and putting the elastic band with key on my wrist. Grabbed my book and went out into the room to read and wait.
Grant came to get me about 5 minutes later. I followed him to meet my new machine, the one I was going to get quite intimate with for the next 33 days to follow. There I met Amelia who also helped me get onto the table, adjusted my hips and spine with gentle but firm yanks on the sheet, and assisted in placing my arms into the stirrups above my head.
Looking up I saw the most beautiful display of leaves seemingly pressed into the opague lighting tiles above me. The soft lights behind gave me a peaceful feeling, especially later when the full lighting was turned off. On the ceiling directly above were two lime green neon lights, about a foot in length and arranged in a plus sign. I was intrigued.
We joked around a little and then it was time to get serious about positioning and adjusting the machine according to the treatment plan. The machine has a large "head" that looms over mine and the top of my body. One my right, a blue/gray shiny panel continued to swing in towards my right side, and then go back into its little nook until it was needed again.
Grant asked me to just lie still and breathe normally. He explained that the panel would go in and out at times, the head of this huge machine would be above me and then go down to the left side of me and that the machine would do all the work. My job was to lie still, breathe, relax, and if I liked it, enjoy the music. After they checked the lime green laser lights on my body, they were ready to begin the process.
I was glad the lights were muted. My thoughts wandered to the leaf pattern above accompanied by the soft music on the radio of STAR 108. The machine glided around, starting overhead at first. That's when the lime green laser lights appeared, one running vertically up my body and dissecting the three little tattoo dots perfectly! The second lime green laser light crossed horizontally to form a plus that extended from the outer tattoo on my left side to the one on my right. NOW I understood what those little dots were really for!
They continually came in, took measurements, double checked the positioning, the numbers, the tattoos for accuracy. They took another vis a vis and wrote on me again, making me feel like a human canvas. I just relaxed into what they were doing, totally confident in their abilities and with their perfectionism.
When the 2' x 2' blue panel came nearer to me on my right, I could see the reflection of the lights that were on my chest. There in the right upper quadrant was a bright red laser light...the targeted area. When the machine's head was directly above, there was a window about 4 by 8". Inside I could see two rows of metal bars on each side in the window that reminded me of a mouth harp. There was a "black hole" in between. The radiation, Grant explained, comes through that area and into my breast.
"First, we project the image and give a shot from above. Then we move the machine to the left to get to the area from below to avoid radiating your lung any more than we have to. That will be what you'll experience each time you come in. It will take longer to put you in place than the actual treatment will be."
They moved the machines around more, checked and double checked everything while the other technicians were using the computers behind the wall to observe, follow, and verify. Utterly fascinating! Again, everyone was very pleasant, enthusiastic, kind and helpful.
I know I will have more questions and they are all open to whatever I think up, bless their hearts. But for Monday, I think I will just focus on relaxing, let my mind wander with the leaves and the lights, enjoy the music softly playing in the background, and feel confident knowing that today, the first step towards killing the cancer cells starts with that first beautiful beam of light.
I chose the first one, closed the curtain, removed my clothing from the waist up, put on one of those incredibly attractive gowns again, and then placed all my belongings into the locker, closing it up and putting the elastic band with key on my wrist. Grabbed my book and went out into the room to read and wait.
Grant came to get me about 5 minutes later. I followed him to meet my new machine, the one I was going to get quite intimate with for the next 33 days to follow. There I met Amelia who also helped me get onto the table, adjusted my hips and spine with gentle but firm yanks on the sheet, and assisted in placing my arms into the stirrups above my head.
Looking up I saw the most beautiful display of leaves seemingly pressed into the opague lighting tiles above me. The soft lights behind gave me a peaceful feeling, especially later when the full lighting was turned off. On the ceiling directly above were two lime green neon lights, about a foot in length and arranged in a plus sign. I was intrigued.
We joked around a little and then it was time to get serious about positioning and adjusting the machine according to the treatment plan. The machine has a large "head" that looms over mine and the top of my body. One my right, a blue/gray shiny panel continued to swing in towards my right side, and then go back into its little nook until it was needed again.
Grant asked me to just lie still and breathe normally. He explained that the panel would go in and out at times, the head of this huge machine would be above me and then go down to the left side of me and that the machine would do all the work. My job was to lie still, breathe, relax, and if I liked it, enjoy the music. After they checked the lime green laser lights on my body, they were ready to begin the process.
I was glad the lights were muted. My thoughts wandered to the leaf pattern above accompanied by the soft music on the radio of STAR 108. The machine glided around, starting overhead at first. That's when the lime green laser lights appeared, one running vertically up my body and dissecting the three little tattoo dots perfectly! The second lime green laser light crossed horizontally to form a plus that extended from the outer tattoo on my left side to the one on my right. NOW I understood what those little dots were really for!
They continually came in, took measurements, double checked the positioning, the numbers, the tattoos for accuracy. They took another vis a vis and wrote on me again, making me feel like a human canvas. I just relaxed into what they were doing, totally confident in their abilities and with their perfectionism.
When the 2' x 2' blue panel came nearer to me on my right, I could see the reflection of the lights that were on my chest. There in the right upper quadrant was a bright red laser light...the targeted area. When the machine's head was directly above, there was a window about 4 by 8". Inside I could see two rows of metal bars on each side in the window that reminded me of a mouth harp. There was a "black hole" in between. The radiation, Grant explained, comes through that area and into my breast.
"First, we project the image and give a shot from above. Then we move the machine to the left to get to the area from below to avoid radiating your lung any more than we have to. That will be what you'll experience each time you come in. It will take longer to put you in place than the actual treatment will be."
They moved the machines around more, checked and double checked everything while the other technicians were using the computers behind the wall to observe, follow, and verify. Utterly fascinating! Again, everyone was very pleasant, enthusiastic, kind and helpful.
I know I will have more questions and they are all open to whatever I think up, bless their hearts. But for Monday, I think I will just focus on relaxing, let my mind wander with the leaves and the lights, enjoy the music softly playing in the background, and feel confident knowing that today, the first step towards killing the cancer cells starts with that first beautiful beam of light.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
No one will even know you have cancer... Aug. 12, 2010
My emotions are all over the map and my monkey mind is in overdrive! Now to keep people from knowing on the outside so I can deal with it alone when I get home. It's what I do.
A person said to me, with kindness and thinking they were being supportive and helpful..."Since you won't be doing chemo and don't have the bad stuff you were worried about, must be a relief to know you don't have to keep up the blog now."
Maybe no HER2 positive, but HER2 still lurks with 1+ status. Invasive Lobular Carcinoma is the 10-15% least common breast cancer and one they are still learning more about as more cases come up. The cancer threat hasn't left, treatments are looming, and then the pills for five years. That seems like no big deal to some people, but there are possible side effects I am not looking forward to. As for the pills, I also have to remember to take them daily when I've never done that with anything in my life! Foxy isn't too good about giving me reminders either.
The emotional roller coaster rides keep happening, the darn estrogen is still running rampant in my body, and I can't forget what I am dealing with no matter how hard I try!
Aromatase inhibitors haven't been around as long as Tamoxifen and though I believe I won't have a problem, some people can't tolerate some of them. I still have that bridge to cross in about six weeks.
"No chemo equals no problems." Hmmm, why can't I wrap my head around that concept easily? My monkey mind latches on to such ridiculous statements and torments me with them.
Maybe I AM overreacting. It IS just radiation and then it IS just a pill. How can I compare myself to those struggling with much more serious cases? People who have lengthy sessions of chemo, larger tumors, reoccurance in other parts of their bodies, people who are terminal and they know it.
My challenges and this treatment seems so pathetic compared to what others are facing. But again I come back to the fact that, like the others, I did not ask for this. In the past six years I've dealt with loss, ending a job, moving across country and the realization that I am totally on my own. Sometimes, this little tumor might as well be a mountain!
As another friend put it, "Now that you won't be losing your hair, no one will even know you have cancer. How great is that?"
At the time the person said that to me, I thought it WAS great. But now the reality of my situation is sinking in. I know I still have it. I know I have to deal with driving to Muskegon every weekday morning for a treatment at 9:20 for six weeks to try to kill off what may remain behind. I know every night I'll be standing by myself in front of a mirror watching for any changes to my skin, dealing with the soreness, the possible warmth like a sunburn, seeing the left side changing color and possibly even shape from the treatments. None of this seems simple to me.
No one else has to see this, feel this, or deal with it. It doesn't affect anyone but me. As I go through all this, being who I am, I will do my best to treat it as if it were "no big deal".
But as I work to convince you, I'll also be trying just as hard to convince myself.
A person said to me, with kindness and thinking they were being supportive and helpful..."Since you won't be doing chemo and don't have the bad stuff you were worried about, must be a relief to know you don't have to keep up the blog now."
Maybe no HER2 positive, but HER2 still lurks with 1+ status. Invasive Lobular Carcinoma is the 10-15% least common breast cancer and one they are still learning more about as more cases come up. The cancer threat hasn't left, treatments are looming, and then the pills for five years. That seems like no big deal to some people, but there are possible side effects I am not looking forward to. As for the pills, I also have to remember to take them daily when I've never done that with anything in my life! Foxy isn't too good about giving me reminders either.
The emotional roller coaster rides keep happening, the darn estrogen is still running rampant in my body, and I can't forget what I am dealing with no matter how hard I try!
Aromatase inhibitors haven't been around as long as Tamoxifen and though I believe I won't have a problem, some people can't tolerate some of them. I still have that bridge to cross in about six weeks.
"No chemo equals no problems." Hmmm, why can't I wrap my head around that concept easily? My monkey mind latches on to such ridiculous statements and torments me with them.
Maybe I AM overreacting. It IS just radiation and then it IS just a pill. How can I compare myself to those struggling with much more serious cases? People who have lengthy sessions of chemo, larger tumors, reoccurance in other parts of their bodies, people who are terminal and they know it.
My challenges and this treatment seems so pathetic compared to what others are facing. But again I come back to the fact that, like the others, I did not ask for this. In the past six years I've dealt with loss, ending a job, moving across country and the realization that I am totally on my own. Sometimes, this little tumor might as well be a mountain!
As another friend put it, "Now that you won't be losing your hair, no one will even know you have cancer. How great is that?"
At the time the person said that to me, I thought it WAS great. But now the reality of my situation is sinking in. I know I still have it. I know I have to deal with driving to Muskegon every weekday morning for a treatment at 9:20 for six weeks to try to kill off what may remain behind. I know every night I'll be standing by myself in front of a mirror watching for any changes to my skin, dealing with the soreness, the possible warmth like a sunburn, seeing the left side changing color and possibly even shape from the treatments. None of this seems simple to me.
No one else has to see this, feel this, or deal with it. It doesn't affect anyone but me. As I go through all this, being who I am, I will do my best to treat it as if it were "no big deal".
But as I work to convince you, I'll also be trying just as hard to convince myself.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
No chemo but radiation? Absolutely! But why? Sun. Aug. 8, 2010
It seems anti-climactic somehow. All that trauma, numerous phone calls, hours and hours spent tracking down websites of information to help me in my pursuit of answers, money used for a trip I enjoyed but never should have had to make, and time in frustration and nervous confusion. I wondered when I would lose my hair, so I chose not to color it for awhile until I knew for sure I was not having chemo. Then it was the scarf vs wig debate. After the oncologist visit, all of that worry became a mute point.
I know that I dodged a serious bullet and I truly do consider myself very fortunate. But just because I am no longer HER2 positive, and I do not have to endure extensive chemotherapy treatments...things are far from over!
I've started reading about radiation, what will be expected of me and what I can expect from the treatments. It seemed so far off. These past weeks I skim read most of the information. Now, I need to read again.
No matter what I do, this thought returns to challenge me...if my tumor isn't a big concern anymore, why are they so emphatic about me having radiation? Not everyone has had to do this, especially when the cancer is found early. I remember my discussion with the oncologist from Mayo, "chemo really isn't necessary but radiation is a given, definitely!" My oncologist said chemo would do me more harm than good at this point but there was no avoiding radiation. The radiation oncologist said so too and pointed out that without it, I have at the minimum, a 25% chance of reoccurance.
My little tentacle cancer can just shoot out that webbing like a miniature Spiderman! There was evidence of cancer cells both in the tissue and in the blood vessels, and even though none of my lymph nodes showed evidence of cancer cells, they have to irradiate the area to be sure. The first line of defense starts here 8 days from now.
The first dry run is on Friday. It's going to be a long week...
I know that I dodged a serious bullet and I truly do consider myself very fortunate. But just because I am no longer HER2 positive, and I do not have to endure extensive chemotherapy treatments...things are far from over!
I've started reading about radiation, what will be expected of me and what I can expect from the treatments. It seemed so far off. These past weeks I skim read most of the information. Now, I need to read again.
No matter what I do, this thought returns to challenge me...if my tumor isn't a big concern anymore, why are they so emphatic about me having radiation? Not everyone has had to do this, especially when the cancer is found early. I remember my discussion with the oncologist from Mayo, "chemo really isn't necessary but radiation is a given, definitely!" My oncologist said chemo would do me more harm than good at this point but there was no avoiding radiation. The radiation oncologist said so too and pointed out that without it, I have at the minimum, a 25% chance of reoccurance.
My little tentacle cancer can just shoot out that webbing like a miniature Spiderman! There was evidence of cancer cells both in the tissue and in the blood vessels, and even though none of my lymph nodes showed evidence of cancer cells, they have to irradiate the area to be sure. The first line of defense starts here 8 days from now.
The first dry run is on Friday. It's going to be a long week...
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