The Afterlife, the Signs and Moving Forward

The discussion with Janet brought up the afterlife, the part God or who/whatever plays in our existence, and our beliefs.  Her Dad had asked God if he would take him.  He is 99, grateful for his long life, his family, but his body is betraying him and, as he stated, he would like to join the game of cards with his friends who have already passed.  I understood completely.  Janet wasn't certain she believed such a thing.

At that point, without regard to where I was or who I was talking to, I told my stories...not all of them because that would be too overwhelming.  But the simplest ones, the more believable ones and they are true.
I know there is an afterlife. I have been incredibly blessed by a soul who continues to love and watch over me since November 9, 2006 when he crossed over to the Other Side.

Jim and I had many evenings when I would share what I was reading and learning about the After Life from psychics such as Sylvia Brown, George Anderson, John Edwards and Allison Dubois to name a few. We had some great discussions and began to have some shared beliefs. One thing we did decide, whoever crossed over first would give proof to the other of their existence and never let go of the connection. I told him I wanted to go first and when he asked why since he was older I said "Because you are more likely to be cared for and watched over by your sisters as you age than I am!"  He knows now how right I was.

I had my cell phone out after the viewing. I wanted to hear Jim's voice that was recorded on my phone. I pressed the button...nothing. I did it again...nothing. The lights flashed in patterns that were unfamiliar and in shock I dropped my phone which landed on the soft, carpeted floor. I picked it up with tears saying, "I only want to hear your voice tonight, please, just hear your voice."  The lights stopped, I opened the phone, pressed the button and there was the voice.

When I went to bed later that evening, I was doing Sudoku puzzles because I could not sleep.  The lamp by our bed started to flicker off and on.  Then it did it again.  After a few more minutes, it did the same. Again, I had tears and said, "Please do not let the lamp go off tonight. I do not remember where the lightbulbs are."  I really didn't...it did not blink anymore and it was over a year before I replaced the bulb in that lamp.

Last example and most profound...I was walking the beach with Foxy and talking out loud. I told Jim I had been hired at the Book Nook and Java Shop to help out during the holidays. I was thrilled because I could work somewhere I loved and this teacher got a job that didn't involve teaching!  LOL  I told him I was certain he was proud of me too but wished he were here to tell me or give me a hug.  I kept walking another mile and then we turned around to return to the car. Toward the end of the walk I looked out into Lake Michigan and saw something shiny bobbing in the water. It was moving towards the shore and getting closer, I could tell it was a balloon. I waded in to pull it out and put it in the garbage later until I saw what was written on it "Way To Go!!"  Not common...not what I expected...but a wonderful bit of praise from the someone I was hoping to hear from. I was startled and thrilled at the same time. That balloon is in my wedding chest at home.

Janet believes now that I have given her food for thought. Sometimes I think that is also why I am here...to tell my stories and whether someone believes them is up to them. I know what I know and believe I have been given the greatest of gifts.  I also know what everlasting love feels like.

Today was my 32nd Anniversary. A single yellow rose was in full bloom outside my bedroom window as it has been on this date for the past four years! Suddenly I felt a deep sadness unlike any before. Often I have traveled up to Whitefish Point and felt the joy of being somewhere we both loved. I have traveled to Little Point Sable and played with Foxy next to the Little Point Sable Stone Church.  The car has managed to visit special places that were dear to us both and usually with happy tears and a smile on my face. Today...things felt different...

No traveling...I needed and wanted to work. Dozens of memories of this day 32 years ago flooded my mind!  The happy, warm, loving times, the special romantic times and even the hurtful, lonely and sad times but all with an overwhelming sense of love and caring and a good deal of tenderness.

I went for my usual Wednesday coffee time at the Book Nook and Java Shop. I visited with others, I eventually shared some of my story with Walt and Sandy and still I struggled to finish even one task, jumping from one to another to another and never completing a thing!  Just before I left, I thought about something I told someone about moving to another location and what would need to happen first.  Moving? New relationships? Where did that come from?

About 3:30 I left to return home for the day and once in the car, I started to cry. Into my head came a memory I had long forgotten and it hit me as if it happened yesterday!

In October of 1986, after our 6th anniversary, Jim told me he wished he had the chance to work on a project that had been ruminating in his mind for a long time. He believed he could create a car that would rely less on gasoline, the likes no one had ever seen.  He just needed the opportunity to build it and he believed it would change our lives!  7 months later, he left Washington state on May 5, 1987 and moved to Michigan, to live with his Mom in their family home and try out his dream.  My friends said I was crazy; colleagues spread rumors that we would be divorced before school was out; others said he would have an affair; few were supportive.

Me?  I believed in him and in what he wanted to do, I loved him with all my heart and I said to him "I do not want you to be sitting on the front porch with me when we are old and hear you say: I wonder what would have happened if?"  I knew I could not stand in the way of his dream.  He always supported me as the teacher I would become...both of us cheering each other on from 2500 miles away for nearly 20 years!

It was not the life I dreamed but the life I lived.

Now here I was in 2012 on the 6th year anniversary beyond his death. In the past 24 hours, someone asked me about moving somewhere else some day and I found myself entertaining the idea if a few assurances were in place. I completely surprised myself especially when the person understood and agreed they needed the same.

On the drive home a startling thought came into my head...I was truly grieving the loss of my connection, my marriage. my husband and my love. I heard words in my head such as "it has been long enough now", "you need to move on", "you have an opportunity to live again and have someone you trust with you" and the gut wrenching "I will never leave you but you do need to leave us now".  Writing that brought me to tears once again. That became the reason for my sadness today...in my mind, "he" was letting me go, what was really happening was that I knew it was time to let go and move on.

I believe today I was grieving the loss of us.

I know he will be near, I can always talk to him, we will always be connected and I will be watched over with love and care. He will leave me dimes, help me find things I have lost, and we'll talk over things together as we have always done. But today I knew without any doubt that it would be ok if I moved on, found love somewhere else with someone else, he trusted the loyalty of one close to me, and did not want me to live my life alone anymore.

I have a month before his 6th Spirit Anniversary. I wonder what that day will bring?

The Events of an Unexpected Day

Unusual I know but this post has nothing to do with Cancer or Colonoscopy's, Endoscopy or Arimidex, or any medical complaint or confusion at all.

This morning I awoke to the fact that today would have been our 32nd Wedding Anniversary.  Usually on this date, I feel happy thinking about our years together, thinking about which of our favorite places I would like to visit, taking a walk on the beach to just "talk" together, or just be thankful for the time and the years we shared.

Today everything was different. When I awoke this morning I felt something was missing. I felt an overwhelming sadness. Tears came to my eyes just from thinking of the date. I did not need to close my eyes to see the church, the reception, the ceremony, the crazy preparations, the happiest of moments...they flashed through my head quickly as if it was a last opportunity to revisit everything.

Wednesday is my coffee day with the ladies so I packed up my computer with the intention to work over at the Book Nook and Java Shop.  I could listen to them chatter away and still interact now and then knowing when they left for their many activities for the day, I could stay there and work on things I needed to, maybe have lunch, and by chance might see friends and acquaintances throughout the time there as well.  At least I would not be home for awhile...just did not feel that was where I should be but had no clue why.

As planned, the gang came in, we all chatted, I worked off and on.  Around 11:30, Walt came and joined me for lunch, both of us with things to work on.  He showed me how to scan documents on the equipment he had and we discussed a few things regarding the Chorale and Piano Extravaganza.  But most of the rest was just sharing things we each wanted the other to know.  I told him that for some strange reason, my Anniversary was really bothering me today, I was more emotional than usual and I just could not get my bearings for some reason.  It just felt odd...  He was a much appreciated and great listener.

I spent the afternoon starting tasks but having difficulty completing them. My friend Sandy and her cousin Janet who also knew Jim well, stopped by after their lunch.  We chatted for about an hour about a variety of things.  Janet's father is 99.  He is still sharp as a tack but his body is beginning to betray him more and more. She mentioned that she heard him praying each night and one thing he continually asked was for God to take him and that brought up an interesting discussion.

 Little did I know, that discussion would lead me to the conclusion I arrived at this evening and one I never expected to have hit me so directly...but because it did, I know exactly where and who it came from!

Finally...The End...the Colonoscopy

My colonoscopy took place on Friday, Sept. 28th at Spectrum Health in Grand Rapids. Though my oncologist did send in the referral, the appointment materialized because of Walt's persistence and the luck of a cancellation.  I had not heard from Spectrum and it had been over five days since the referral was submitted. I met Walt for lunch on Tuesday of that week and he asked when my appointment was. Needless to say, when I did not have an answer as yet, he took out his phone and said "Let's call them right now, I have their number. We need to get you in and get this done!"  I told him I would call when I returned home and I did.

Turned out there was a cancellation for Friday...three days away!  I felt it was fate and decided to accept. I wasn't certain who was going with me or able to drive but I knew I had to take the appointment and figure everything else out later.  It turned out to be a great decision.  I was eating little anyway so adjusting to the regimen they wanted me to follow on Thursday was not much of a problem.  Walt had given me the pills they required because he had his colonoscopy two weeks before. I picked up the powder at Meijer on the way home and some apple juice and fruit pops to enjoy.  No solid food and stay near a bathroom...had lots of practice doing both over the past few weeks!

Carol picked me up on Friday morning and we headed to Grand Rapids. Lori, my check in and prep nurse was delightful and had us both in stitches explaining about butt doctors, gut doctors and gut and butt doctors.  Dr. Kim did not do both so if I need to come back for an upper GI, I unfortunately would not have his expertise.  I never felt the needle go into my arm and she had me ready and with a warm blanket in no time. Before I got too comfortable, I was being wheeled into the small room where the procedure would be performed. A kind man with gentle eyes and a warm smile leaned on the bed rail to my right and introduced himself. This was Dr. Kim.  He explained what he was going to do, asked me some additional questions, told me what I could expect after and reassured me just with his demeanor and smile.  I looked at the machine to my left as the anesthesiologist was putting the solution into my arm. That is the last I remember until I awoke back where I started.

Carol said I spoke with her and with Dr. Kim...I do not remember it at all.  She said they both were quite impressed with my questions...I wish I could have heard myself!  LOL

Basically they found and removed five polyps which turned out to be benign.  Several were adenomatous, which means they are of the type that can become cancerous.  That meant I will need to have a colonoscopy every THREE years...oh joy!  LOL  I went because I thought I had diverticulitis...turns out I have mild diverticulosis and in the films only a small crater was discovered. Dr.Kim told Carol that he wasn't sure what was causing the pain in the lower left quadrant...could be gas, air, bowel strain...just was not certain. He did suggest I increase my fiber and see if things improved.

The discomfort comes and goes but the upper tract has not settled. A new appointment is scheduled for Friday, October 12 to discuss an endoscopy. Some foods that are good for fiber do not work with my digestive system and other foods do not cooperate with my intestinal system. Hopefully, once all the testing is done there will be some direction to keep BOTH ends happy and put my frustration to rest.

One day at a time...