The Afterlife, the Signs and Moving Forward

The discussion with Janet brought up the afterlife, the part God or who/whatever plays in our existence, and our beliefs.  Her Dad had asked God if he would take him.  He is 99, grateful for his long life, his family, but his body is betraying him and, as he stated, he would like to join the game of cards with his friends who have already passed.  I understood completely.  Janet wasn't certain she believed such a thing.

At that point, without regard to where I was or who I was talking to, I told my stories...not all of them because that would be too overwhelming.  But the simplest ones, the more believable ones and they are true.
I know there is an afterlife. I have been incredibly blessed by a soul who continues to love and watch over me since November 9, 2006 when he crossed over to the Other Side.

Jim and I had many evenings when I would share what I was reading and learning about the After Life from psychics such as Sylvia Brown, George Anderson, John Edwards and Allison Dubois to name a few. We had some great discussions and began to have some shared beliefs. One thing we did decide, whoever crossed over first would give proof to the other of their existence and never let go of the connection. I told him I wanted to go first and when he asked why since he was older I said "Because you are more likely to be cared for and watched over by your sisters as you age than I am!"  He knows now how right I was.

I had my cell phone out after the viewing. I wanted to hear Jim's voice that was recorded on my phone. I pressed the button...nothing. I did it again...nothing. The lights flashed in patterns that were unfamiliar and in shock I dropped my phone which landed on the soft, carpeted floor. I picked it up with tears saying, "I only want to hear your voice tonight, please, just hear your voice."  The lights stopped, I opened the phone, pressed the button and there was the voice.

When I went to bed later that evening, I was doing Sudoku puzzles because I could not sleep.  The lamp by our bed started to flicker off and on.  Then it did it again.  After a few more minutes, it did the same. Again, I had tears and said, "Please do not let the lamp go off tonight. I do not remember where the lightbulbs are."  I really didn't...it did not blink anymore and it was over a year before I replaced the bulb in that lamp.

Last example and most profound...I was walking the beach with Foxy and talking out loud. I told Jim I had been hired at the Book Nook and Java Shop to help out during the holidays. I was thrilled because I could work somewhere I loved and this teacher got a job that didn't involve teaching!  LOL  I told him I was certain he was proud of me too but wished he were here to tell me or give me a hug.  I kept walking another mile and then we turned around to return to the car. Toward the end of the walk I looked out into Lake Michigan and saw something shiny bobbing in the water. It was moving towards the shore and getting closer, I could tell it was a balloon. I waded in to pull it out and put it in the garbage later until I saw what was written on it "Way To Go!!"  Not common...not what I expected...but a wonderful bit of praise from the someone I was hoping to hear from. I was startled and thrilled at the same time. That balloon is in my wedding chest at home.

Janet believes now that I have given her food for thought. Sometimes I think that is also why I am here...to tell my stories and whether someone believes them is up to them. I know what I know and believe I have been given the greatest of gifts.  I also know what everlasting love feels like.

Today was my 32nd Anniversary. A single yellow rose was in full bloom outside my bedroom window as it has been on this date for the past four years! Suddenly I felt a deep sadness unlike any before. Often I have traveled up to Whitefish Point and felt the joy of being somewhere we both loved. I have traveled to Little Point Sable and played with Foxy next to the Little Point Sable Stone Church.  The car has managed to visit special places that were dear to us both and usually with happy tears and a smile on my face. Today...things felt different...

No traveling...I needed and wanted to work. Dozens of memories of this day 32 years ago flooded my mind!  The happy, warm, loving times, the special romantic times and even the hurtful, lonely and sad times but all with an overwhelming sense of love and caring and a good deal of tenderness.

I went for my usual Wednesday coffee time at the Book Nook and Java Shop. I visited with others, I eventually shared some of my story with Walt and Sandy and still I struggled to finish even one task, jumping from one to another to another and never completing a thing!  Just before I left, I thought about something I told someone about moving to another location and what would need to happen first.  Moving? New relationships? Where did that come from?

About 3:30 I left to return home for the day and once in the car, I started to cry. Into my head came a memory I had long forgotten and it hit me as if it happened yesterday!

In October of 1986, after our 6th anniversary, Jim told me he wished he had the chance to work on a project that had been ruminating in his mind for a long time. He believed he could create a car that would rely less on gasoline, the likes no one had ever seen.  He just needed the opportunity to build it and he believed it would change our lives!  7 months later, he left Washington state on May 5, 1987 and moved to Michigan, to live with his Mom in their family home and try out his dream.  My friends said I was crazy; colleagues spread rumors that we would be divorced before school was out; others said he would have an affair; few were supportive.

Me?  I believed in him and in what he wanted to do, I loved him with all my heart and I said to him "I do not want you to be sitting on the front porch with me when we are old and hear you say: I wonder what would have happened if?"  I knew I could not stand in the way of his dream.  He always supported me as the teacher I would become...both of us cheering each other on from 2500 miles away for nearly 20 years!

It was not the life I dreamed but the life I lived.

Now here I was in 2012 on the 6th year anniversary beyond his death. In the past 24 hours, someone asked me about moving somewhere else some day and I found myself entertaining the idea if a few assurances were in place. I completely surprised myself especially when the person understood and agreed they needed the same.

On the drive home a startling thought came into my head...I was truly grieving the loss of my connection, my marriage. my husband and my love. I heard words in my head such as "it has been long enough now", "you need to move on", "you have an opportunity to live again and have someone you trust with you" and the gut wrenching "I will never leave you but you do need to leave us now".  Writing that brought me to tears once again. That became the reason for my sadness today...in my mind, "he" was letting me go, what was really happening was that I knew it was time to let go and move on.

I believe today I was grieving the loss of us.

I know he will be near, I can always talk to him, we will always be connected and I will be watched over with love and care. He will leave me dimes, help me find things I have lost, and we'll talk over things together as we have always done. But today I knew without any doubt that it would be ok if I moved on, found love somewhere else with someone else, he trusted the loyalty of one close to me, and did not want me to live my life alone anymore.

I have a month before his 6th Spirit Anniversary. I wonder what that day will bring?

The Events of an Unexpected Day

Unusual I know but this post has nothing to do with Cancer or Colonoscopy's, Endoscopy or Arimidex, or any medical complaint or confusion at all.

This morning I awoke to the fact that today would have been our 32nd Wedding Anniversary.  Usually on this date, I feel happy thinking about our years together, thinking about which of our favorite places I would like to visit, taking a walk on the beach to just "talk" together, or just be thankful for the time and the years we shared.

Today everything was different. When I awoke this morning I felt something was missing. I felt an overwhelming sadness. Tears came to my eyes just from thinking of the date. I did not need to close my eyes to see the church, the reception, the ceremony, the crazy preparations, the happiest of moments...they flashed through my head quickly as if it was a last opportunity to revisit everything.

Wednesday is my coffee day with the ladies so I packed up my computer with the intention to work over at the Book Nook and Java Shop.  I could listen to them chatter away and still interact now and then knowing when they left for their many activities for the day, I could stay there and work on things I needed to, maybe have lunch, and by chance might see friends and acquaintances throughout the time there as well.  At least I would not be home for awhile...just did not feel that was where I should be but had no clue why.

As planned, the gang came in, we all chatted, I worked off and on.  Around 11:30, Walt came and joined me for lunch, both of us with things to work on.  He showed me how to scan documents on the equipment he had and we discussed a few things regarding the Chorale and Piano Extravaganza.  But most of the rest was just sharing things we each wanted the other to know.  I told him that for some strange reason, my Anniversary was really bothering me today, I was more emotional than usual and I just could not get my bearings for some reason.  It just felt odd...  He was a much appreciated and great listener.

I spent the afternoon starting tasks but having difficulty completing them. My friend Sandy and her cousin Janet who also knew Jim well, stopped by after their lunch.  We chatted for about an hour about a variety of things.  Janet's father is 99.  He is still sharp as a tack but his body is beginning to betray him more and more. She mentioned that she heard him praying each night and one thing he continually asked was for God to take him and that brought up an interesting discussion.

 Little did I know, that discussion would lead me to the conclusion I arrived at this evening and one I never expected to have hit me so directly...but because it did, I know exactly where and who it came from!

Finally...The End...the Colonoscopy

My colonoscopy took place on Friday, Sept. 28th at Spectrum Health in Grand Rapids. Though my oncologist did send in the referral, the appointment materialized because of Walt's persistence and the luck of a cancellation.  I had not heard from Spectrum and it had been over five days since the referral was submitted. I met Walt for lunch on Tuesday of that week and he asked when my appointment was. Needless to say, when I did not have an answer as yet, he took out his phone and said "Let's call them right now, I have their number. We need to get you in and get this done!"  I told him I would call when I returned home and I did.

Turned out there was a cancellation for Friday...three days away!  I felt it was fate and decided to accept. I wasn't certain who was going with me or able to drive but I knew I had to take the appointment and figure everything else out later.  It turned out to be a great decision.  I was eating little anyway so adjusting to the regimen they wanted me to follow on Thursday was not much of a problem.  Walt had given me the pills they required because he had his colonoscopy two weeks before. I picked up the powder at Meijer on the way home and some apple juice and fruit pops to enjoy.  No solid food and stay near a bathroom...had lots of practice doing both over the past few weeks!

Carol picked me up on Friday morning and we headed to Grand Rapids. Lori, my check in and prep nurse was delightful and had us both in stitches explaining about butt doctors, gut doctors and gut and butt doctors.  Dr. Kim did not do both so if I need to come back for an upper GI, I unfortunately would not have his expertise.  I never felt the needle go into my arm and she had me ready and with a warm blanket in no time. Before I got too comfortable, I was being wheeled into the small room where the procedure would be performed. A kind man with gentle eyes and a warm smile leaned on the bed rail to my right and introduced himself. This was Dr. Kim.  He explained what he was going to do, asked me some additional questions, told me what I could expect after and reassured me just with his demeanor and smile.  I looked at the machine to my left as the anesthesiologist was putting the solution into my arm. That is the last I remember until I awoke back where I started.

Carol said I spoke with her and with Dr. Kim...I do not remember it at all.  She said they both were quite impressed with my questions...I wish I could have heard myself!  LOL

Basically they found and removed five polyps which turned out to be benign.  Several were adenomatous, which means they are of the type that can become cancerous.  That meant I will need to have a colonoscopy every THREE years...oh joy!  LOL  I went because I thought I had diverticulitis...turns out I have mild diverticulosis and in the films only a small crater was discovered. Dr.Kim told Carol that he wasn't sure what was causing the pain in the lower left quadrant...could be gas, air, bowel strain...just was not certain. He did suggest I increase my fiber and see if things improved.

The discomfort comes and goes but the upper tract has not settled. A new appointment is scheduled for Friday, October 12 to discuss an endoscopy. Some foods that are good for fiber do not work with my digestive system and other foods do not cooperate with my intestinal system. Hopefully, once all the testing is done there will be some direction to keep BOTH ends happy and put my frustration to rest.

One day at a time...

Frustration with Lack of Answers

Ah...time for the physical and the first time at my new doctors office. I hoped for answers as things have not gotten better. I felt comfortable from the start, stayed positive and had fasted that day in case they decided to do blood work.

I met Theresa the PA who was responsible for handling routine physicals. She was very pleasant, listened to my concerns and was helpful. I told her about eating something then tasting it again 3-4 hours later when bile would come up my esophagus and either make me feel like or result in vomiting.  I explained the unusual pain in my lower left quadrant and how it was nearly constant now, often feeling much like menstrual cramps of days gone by. Then we were on to the usual questions, tests, and I was eventually sent for blood work at North Ottawa Hospital.

She listened intently, suggested no alcohol at all (which I am only a social drinker so it isn't much of a sacrific), no NSAIDS but I could have Tylenol for pain (thank goodness since sometimes my ache is quite miserable down there) and recommended an Endoscopy to look at my digestive tract, possibly with a Colonoscopy done at the same time. I knew I needed one of those since I had only had the in office occult tests prior. She recommended Prilosec for the next two months to aid with healing my esophagus and said they would be contacting me regarding my test results. Duh...I did not even think to set up another appointment to discuss results, check on my progress with the Prilosec, etc.  Still so conditioned after all these years to having the professional tell me what I need.  You would think with all the stuff I went through over my breast cancer, I would have learned something!

The following week I received a call with my test results.  No Tylenol was allowed now so no pain medications allowed at all.  I had elevated liver enzymes, white blood cells in the urine, elevated triglycerides and bad cholestrol (which I knew I could change with my diet) and the endoscopy would be scheduled in September. Nothing that couldn't be explained away or improved with effort. It was a very long August!

The Prilosec worked fine at first and I could eat most everything whether I should or not. I wasn't learning a thing!  About the 3rd week with Prilosec, the fatigue and lower tract discomfort became miserable. I would become bloated, sick feeling and then the explosive diahhrea started appearing with regularity. After each of those episodes, I was whipped! When my first 30 tablets were done, I quit. I could not physically or emotionally deal with that anymore. I did start keeping a food diary of what seemed to be ok and what caused problems. My problem list soon grew larger than what was ok.

The papers came to fill out for the Endoscopy scheduled on September 18, only it wasn't for the procedure itself, but an office visit to determine if I needed it or not.  I was devastated. My friends were upset.  Walt finally said, "You have already put up with this for two months and it will likely be another 4-6 weeks before you get a colonoscopy or this scheduled." I felt defeated.

By the first of September, I had researched foods for Diverticulitis and Gerd, decided what to try to eat to help each possible diagnosis improve and began to do my best. Things were helping but some of the reflux issues still remained. I was trying to avoid Tums or some type of antacid, but it was getting more difficult.


I met with my oncologist on September 4th and though it wasn't what she expected, I told her about my summer, my lack of answers, the still far off Colonoscopy and my frustration and pleaded in hopes she could help me.  She requested a CT scan ASAP & a follow up appointment within two weeks to discuss test results.  I felt some hope...the CT scan took place four days later on Friday afternoon. Though the iodine rush during the second part made me nauseous and nearly vomit, at least it was done.


That weekend, I took a drastic measure and basically stopped most solid food. I prepared Atkins protein drinks in the morning and afternoon with a banana for any indigestion; chicken broth, jello, water, applesauce, pears and apples.  I ate albacore tuna with mayo, sometimes with spinach greens and romaine lettuce. I drank decaffinated green tea, white tea, and tried not to take antacids or pepto bismol.  Occasionally I would fix a grilled hamburger patty with a small slice of gouda cheese. Things improved...

I was still going to movies whenever possible but if a social event included food or drinks, I passed. I never knew if my bowel habits would result in diarrhea, stools too large and solid to flush, or unpleasant odors that would remain after my visit. If they served food or drinks I knew would cause me problems later, I would pass. I started bringing my own tuna or jello to lunch with Walt or selected the grilled patty with mushrooms when eating lunch with Sandy and Mike. When I met for our gathering lunch with my women's singing group, Choral Belles, there were wonderful salads and desserts...I ate sugar free jello and drank water. No trust in my system at all by that time.

On September 18, my friend Carol accompanied me to my follow up appointment. Dr. A was running late that morning.  She stated that the CT results were good. I had a small group of blood vessels gathering on my liver (a liver hermangioma, nothing to worry about really) and a shadow on my left adrenal gland. She wants another CT scan taken to be certain this is all minor in six months. Again...no answers.

I asked if I could be referred to Dr. Kim in GR for a colonoscopy, especially since I had not had one anyway to which she agreed.  She wants to see me in December and reminded me we needed to revisit my decision regarding my choice to discontinue the Arimidex, the pill chemo for my lobular carcinoma.

With some answers regarding my present situation, that might not be such an unpleasant discussion. Time will tell...

Summer of the Unexpected

Back in May, a wonderful and supportive friend contacted me from Washington. I started writing her a note right away and then found myself with a bunch of work to finish for the Chorale party and some other things that landed on my plate.  Her note went on the back burner and I regret that happened. From that time onward, things became more disconcerting, uncomfortable, and confusing.

In June, I took a look around me...my home is a mess! How on earth did I let it get like this?  I still remember how spotless it was in June 2010 when I went to the hospital for my lumpectomy...what happened between then and now?!  I have stacked things on top of things meaning to take care of that today but then today, tomorrow...they just didn't come. I became pretty disappointed in myself and the choices I had made.

Throughout that month I became more fatigued, had frequent bouts with indigestion and decided I needed some time without any work, thinking, anything in anyway stressful actually...to take time, putz with what few flowers I had, read, spend time with Foxy, do some hobbies, go to the movies, etc.

One of my close friends had a serious family issue and needed a little support. Though my heart was there anyway, it became the perfect opportunity to focus on someone else and not me...to be there for her if she needed an ear, a night out, whatever. The rest of the time, the quiet, the reflecting...was all good.

July quickly brought unexpected problems with my digestive system and lower intestinal tract. "It is a phase", I told myself. "Stop eating the junk you know you shouldn't and get your act together," I said.  But things had not gotten bad enough yet, unfortunately, for me to really pay attention. My weight was going up at an unreasonable rate, my knee was telling me it was too much, I was thinking about moving, changing my present situation, little seemed to set well on my stomach, and a whole lot was weighing on my mind and my body. I was not happy...it was the way it was.

By mid-July, I had an appointment for a physical...finally!  I had developed a constant pain in the lower left quadrant of my torso that was very uncomfortable. I needed a physical anyway as it was female check up time, but since I was beyond menopause now, I could not figure out what that cramping could possibly be.

After calling several doctors in the area, one was suggested in Grand Haven. Luckily, he agreed to accept a new patient so the physical could be done.  Answers, I hoped. If only things could be that easy.

Why Does it Matter?

My plans by now would have included a trip or two back to my home state, a new garage door, a concrete slab out from my porch, a deck out back and a roof over my front door.  None of that happened or is going to happen thanks to this little detour I had to take.

The other day I told a friend I stopped my medication because I chose walking over continuing my meds. The response I received was "good because your chances are so low of a re-occurence, you will never get it again".  Confidence or arrogance?  Not sure... Things haven't been as comfortable in that friendship so that will likely go the way of other family and be non existent before long.  Seems to be the case with many back in WA too.  Guess they feel slighted, ignored, as if they didn't matter.  All I can say is...I am sorry.

I am sorry I didn't handle all this as well as they must think I should have.  I am sorry I had to cash in two CDs from selling my house to pay the medical bills, travel to Mayo, excessive costs from doctors appointments, extra tests, medications, etc because I am too young to be blessed with assistance from Medicare that could have helped with some of the expenses my insurance didn't cover. IF I still had that money, I would have made a trip or two out west.  But I decided that I would use what I had for DisneyWorld, because that has been a dream for 30 years...and at least I will have accomplished one of them.

 I am sorry I didn't have a mom or dad to call, or a brother or sister to write to, or someone at the other end of the phone to listen like those of you with a spouse or other significant other at home.  Mine was there, just around me not beside me when I could have used his hugs or have his physical presence to kiss away the tears when I wanted to throw in the towel and be on his side rather than mine.

Some nights it is very quiet here, not unlike many I have spent over the years and I start thinking about the good times and good memories.  Then I remember the people who couldn't deal with my silence, my avoidance, my supposed snub.  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to think up something to write about?  When you have been SO out of touch for SO long, what do you say?  Where do you start?  Why would anyone care?  I can't relate to people here when I talk about "home", so how can I talk about here to people from "home"?

When I did write, it was about me, what had been going on, why I was so quiet, so withdrawn and it appears that was wrong.  I may have been involved in activities back here, but each night I went home to Foxy, my little house, and myself and faced how things are. NO amount of activities can replace the emptiness of not having people around you who know you, know who you are, what you feel, who you have been, what you have done in your life, and who love you...really love you.

One of my former students mentioned what a "strong woman I am".  I have my moments because I have had to be. I have spent more time in my life alone and on my own that with someone close.  But there are weak moments too...when I am criticized or ignored, used or stepped on and like everyone else, that happens to me too.  Only who do I talk to about them?

This is not a pity party, it is reality and part of writing this is to share the bad side of things as well as the good moments.  I know I am not irreplaceable...that has been proven many times and will soon be proven again.  Life changes, people change, people move on and friends become a part of the past.

But to those of you who are still out there, who read or listen or think back to better times and warm memories, thank you!  You may not be in touch, but I still think of you with gratitude for whatever time you spent in my life, and the footprints you left behind on my heart.

Good night~

Too Painful to Walk...or Take Your Chances?

Before the three concerts the first weekend in December, I had bouts of knee pain that was so sharp, I didn't even want to step down.  My right knee?  Ok...not usual but not completely unreasonable since it is bone on bone anyway.  But the left knee?  TOTALLY unreasonable...it is my healthy, normal knee but the pain shooting through it wasn't. The ankles were starting to create such havoc that the thought of getting out of bed was not what I wanted to do!  I was taking Aleve like candy...something wasn't right.

December 1st, I had a visit with my oncologist who told me there was good news and bad news...the good news was, "we  know the Arimidex is working"...the bad news?  "Likely could get worse but tolerable."  When you live outside of town where there isn't any bus or taxi service?  That is numbing.

So what happens if one morning it is just too painful to get up?  What if it is too painful to stand up once I get up? I know...it is never good to think of the "what ifs?"  but I felt I was being given another choice to make and there would be no way to know which choice would be the right one.  I just had to trust that my choice would be the best for me.

On December 5, I quit taking Arimidex.  Within two weeks, the pain in my knees and ankles was completely gone. After Christmas I chose to eliminate a few pounds too and have been more careful to eat healthier, drink water, and get out for walks like I was doing in the fall until it became too painful to do so.

What are the risks?  Small tumor, no lymph nodes involved, invasive lobular carcinoma...anything can happen or not happen. I stopped once before for a couple weeks in May. Then I listened when she told me that it was possible that this could spread when the estrogen began again so the little voice of fear had me starting up again. But realistically, there is no way of knowing.  I remained on it total for 14 months...

 Quality of life??  I have already had a great one!!   Whether I made the right choice or the wrong one, only time will tell.  So I am going to take one day at a time and be thankful for each one I have...and all the friends, experiences, and blessings that come with them.