Woke up on my own without the alarm this morning so I must be getting used to the 8:00 am time slot once again. The difficult part was having my mind already filled with things I did not want to think about. Before I even knew it, my eyes were filled with tears. Crappy way to start a morning!
I got up and tried to figure out what to wear while my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton. I fumbled around, tried on this, that, not satisfied with anything in particular, not caring completely either. When I finally settled on something I vowed to get more things clean when I got home, get some things ironed that I had carelessly thrown down, and again, I was upset with myself for the little things, things that in the long run, really don't matter.
Even though it is cooler today and very pleasant, I still hesitate to take Foxy because of what it "might" become. She looks at me with those sad eyes and even though her tail is wagging, I feel guilty and sad to leave her, but I do.
Drove the usual route the usual way to the usual turn off and the usual parking space, but I feel my life isn't usual at all. It isn't going where I thought it would, I am not ending up how I thought I should, and I really don't know where I want to be or go from here.
Greeted Kristin at the desk with my usual smile, a bit more painted on that before, walk down the hall, the usual routine. While I was in my cubicle Karen came in as we are pretty much scheduled for the same time.
When we were both waiting, she got to talking about her 4 year old grandson and how he was anxiously waiting for Nana to get her owie treated so they could spend the special day together. I listened and laughed and at the same time, envied her for the family and the joys in her life. It's the usual...I am not.
Absentmindedly, I had left my bra on today and in my embarrassing moment, didn't even realize it until Sara opened the hospital wrap to get my breast exposed. There are just no brain cells of significant value engaged this morning. They chuckled along with me, says it happens often, and kept the conversation going. Treatment was over much more quickly than it had begun!
As I walked out, I saw Karen, her grandson, and a relative walking out to the car together. That is so how I saw myself many times over the years.
I am headed back home to pick up Foxy so she can at least have a ride to the coffee shop this morning where I will meet several of my friends for our weekly visit. I will listen as one tells of her exploits, another shares her weekend, and then just float in and out of the chatter that will fill the space, grateful for at least an hour that I won't have to think, or feel, hurt or care. Everyone here has families, kids and grandkids...the usual.
Hopefully after this time with others, things will look brighter rather than how they feel right now. I may be Stage I, I may be "lucky" as everyone frequently reminds me, but today I just wish I didn't have to deal with myself and my thoughts and this c-thing was only an "almost" that really didn't happen...and that is becoming more and more, the usual.
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