I awoke about 6 am to rain drops on the air conditioner. With a hope it might cool things off, I rolled over, drifting back to sleep. When the alarm went off at 9:00, I got up slowly with pain in the front upper leg muscles I hadn't felt before. Lowering myself into a sitting position, raising myself from one...the pain from my knee along the top of my femur was excrutiating! I walked around hoping to loosen things up a bit before heading to work where I could be on my feet for nearly four hours.
Around 10:30 I went out to the garage to get into the car and head to work. There I found the garage door wide open, rain having found its way inside about four feet, some things surrounding the door getting wet, as I realized what I had done, and I felt frustration build. I NEVER leave the garage door open!
My thoughts began bouncing all over the place. What is wrong with me lately? Is my mind going too? What will I do if THAT happens? I don't have time to deal with any of this now and I don't care! Talk about doing a great job of beating myself up! I eased into the car, wincing from the pain that was shooting through the muscles in my upper leg and praying that it would ease up soon.
Again, it was heating up outside, getting muggy and I found myself having some difficulty breathing. I turned the air on in the car full blast and tried to forget everything...my stupidity, the pain in my legs, the discomfort I was experiencing, the heat I was feeling in my body as another hot flash loomed unmercifully and the frustration as the sweat started to creep from my hairline and slither down my face.
I enjoy working at the Hokey Pokey, interacting with the customers and the wonderful, caring people who work there. The store was busy in spurts keeping us all actively involved in the goings on and needs of those who were shopping. I found myself needing to sit down on a high bar stool during the last hour to help as I was also feeling whipped.
My friend John who was also working today reminded me that not only could my physical and medical challenges cause me to be tired, but the toll this was taking on me emotionally is draining as well. Of course that made sense and I appreciated his thoughtfulness in helping with a reason for feeling the way I was. But I felt like things were coming at me from all sides today and I was losing! When the other two gals that were taking over the shifts at 2:30 arrived, as much as I love being there with everyone, I was desperately wanting to get home.
I walked around with Foxy for a little while once I got there, but even she didn't want to stay outside for long. Making sure to close the garage door this time, I went inside to finish up the laundry and see what I else I could do. My legs were aching and I couldn't get to the Tylenol fast enough. This really surprised me as I'd never experienced pain in this area before. Everytime I got up and down, pain would shoot up and down, feeling tight and making me reluctant to move. I decided to try lying down and went in to read for awhile. Before I knew it, I had again fallen asleep, waking about an hour later. This is getting ridiculous!
Feeling the pain in my legs again, my monkey mind began to run rampant with thoughts of cancer showing up in my bones, or maybe in my brain since I seemed to have trouble remembering things lately. I started to wonder when it would return again. Would it be a few months or a few years after the aromatase inhibitor ceased and my estrogen could flow freely once again? I felt anger seeping in, directed at my body for betraying me and letting those cells grow happily and spontaneously while surrounded by a defense system that seemed to retreat rather than report for duty.
I gathered up Foxy and we went for a short ride. I think I would have gone on until time or gas ran out right then because I didn't care where I went or for how long. Who would care anyway? Who would even know I was gone? What difference would my absence make? How long would it take before anyone realized I was missing? Would it even matter?
Like a slap on the head, I was reminded that I was meeting Nancy at 7:15 to see the play, Blithe Spirit, at the Howmet. There was no time for self pity or childish behavior and I needed to get a serious grip. I turned the car around, let Foxy continue to enjoy the window, and we made our way from anywhere and everywhere to home.
It was cooler now, a break from the humidity for us this evening. The play was delightful, Nancy's laughter contagious and her company enjoyable as always. I got home around 10:15.
Foxy and I walked around outside again, this time grateful for a break from the hot and humid nights as well as the daytime hours. I wanted to enjoy the pleasant evening and walk off the remaining nervous energy before it took me over again.
Hopefully, things will feel better and look a bit brighter in the morning.
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