I will admit, I am not "fine". I have had so many people tell me "you don't look sick at all"; "wow! I can't believe you have cancer you look so good"; "doesn't seem like this disease affected you at all"; "the radiation is almost over and everything will be back to normal". What's normal??? You have GOT to be kidding!
Here's the really stupid part...I should be absolutely thrilled that my outside persona has everyone believing all is well. That's what I am trying to do, isn't it? Making sure to project the joyful smile, the happy face, the "no big deal" feeling. How about the "I can handle everything myself", "no, there are no problems, everything is fine"? Don't want anyone to worry, to fuss, or have my behaviors elicit sympathetic glances or speeches. I certainly don't want anyone to feel obligated to spend time with me because they feel sorry for me and how awful that I sometimes suspect the motives of others in that regard. But I'm not "fine".
Some of you will once again take this expression of sharing my honest feelings and tell me I need to go to a support group or get some kind of help. Honestly, the only difference between you and me is that I am sticking my feelings right out here and sharing them, the good, the bad and the ugly. I find it difficult to believe some of these thoughts haven't or wouldn't float through your mind. There are ugly moments with this disease believe me and some days, some situations are more challenging than others. "Poor me" gets tiresome to others as well as myself.
There are those close to me who I believe sincerely do care. But when things happen in their own lives, they are naturally drawn away. I then am brought back to the reality that I am no longer first in anyone's world anymore, and after having a mom to myself since I was 14 and a husband of 27 years, that is tough to deal with sometimes. There isn't anyone forced, for lack of a better word, to deal with my moods, pain, to visually share what I see in the mirror, who has a loving reason to open their heart and feel what I feel. That's the part that sometimes is the most difficult when you are on your own.
Maybe you live alone, but you have children, a spouse, a sibling, a partner. Then, even if they aren't always near or there for you when you want them to be, they are there. There is someone to call, someone who just may listen, someone to hold you and share that pain when you need someone the most, someone who opens their heart and lets you inside. Had that once...it was precious and priceless. Luckily, I knew it then and I know it more now.
So guess I just need to take my "fine", put the smile back on my face, and act like things are "no big deal"...after all, "life happens". Things usually look different in the morning. I am certain working to catch up on some of the sleep that I am deeply and sorely lacking will be incredibly helpful. It won't take away the fact that I have cancer and that my life certainly isn't what I would have chosen, but things will likely look brighter and more hopeful and loving tomorrow...and that is something to look forward to.
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