Let's see...how exactly does this week seem to be ending? Better than most of the week has been, but I wasn't so sure this morning.
I was holding on to myself mentally by a thread as I drove to the center, tears already making their way out from ducts I had tried to will closed so the waterworks couldn't escape. When I went inside, I told myself that the cheerfulness of everyone here would help me get my act together.
Amelia came to get me. She and Sara had on some very colorful tops to their scrubs, one even in lime green, which made me smile. Sara, who has spent the most time with me and is pretty perceptive asked me how things were going, "really..." she added and waited for my answer.
As I was lying down on the treatment table, I told her that I'd had better days and a few little trickles escaped from my eyes. She reassured me that I was likely to have days like that, but that we all do. "Sometimes the best thing is to just go home and have a good cry," she said, sharing a time she did just that and how she felt afterwards. I've done it too.
Amelia was trying to get me into the correct place on the table, the usual tug and yank method, when she said, "I have to get you crooked so I can straighten you up!" For some reason, it made me laugh and we all were laughing at the oxymoron. Instantly the cloudiness lifted...it felt great! Laughter really WAS the best medicine today!
I asked Sara if it was possible to smell an odor as if something was burning, because the last three days, I'd had that smell. She said she had been told that before by other patients but had not experienced anything like that herself. Said she felt we likely have sensitive smell. Didn't confirm or deny what it was or might have been so I am still curious. Is it the machine or inside me? Still makes me wonder...
Friday's are x-ray days to make sure they are hitting their target area and we are still on track. Amelia proudly announced,"Your X-rays are perfect! Everything is going great!" It felt good to hear something like that even though I don't want to be there.
When treatment was over for the day, I went back to the dressing room. Karen was there and she told me a little about the last few days and how things were going with herself and her family. She asked a little about mine, or lack thereof. I explained about the deaths, the retirement, the move as briefly but sustinctly as I could. She was amazed and asked, "No kids, no siblings? Wow, that must be tough!"
At that moment, I felt the doors open on those tear ducts again as I responded with, "Yeah, more than you know. This wasn't the life I had in mind but there must be a reason." Nothing more needed to be said. As Amelia came to get her for treatment, I stood up to leave as she did. Karen's spontaneous and empathetic hug was exactly what I needed.
Walked out deciding if I should go home and have a pity party for myself or do something different. I'd already had a misunderstanding with a dear friend yesterday and have ridden the roller coaster of emotions up and down for several days, getting nowhere. And before you ask, I was with friends on Wednesday AND Thursday, not alone, and wore a great mask through it all too. I'm really well practiced at that. Always felt it better not to have others be concerned and if I don't show anything, they won't know anything...or so I like to think. ;-)
Got into the car and headed south to Grand Haven. Pulled into a shady parking space in the Municipal lot next to where you view the Musical Fountain, put a leash on Foxy and told her, "We are going for a good walk. It's sunny, breezy, the boats are out, there are people all over, and we are walking to the pier and back." That's exactly what we did.
It was nice to wear my dog out for once instead of visa versa. By the time I'd finished enjoying the view and the walk, the endorphins were filling my brain and body with healing and positive thoughts. I felt great!
We'll avoid weekends there, but walks a couple days a week would be good and uplifting for both of us. Ever since I first walked that boardwalk last summer, I have found it to be a wonderful, reflective, and stimulating place for me and my spirit. If I lose a few pounds and get some strength back in my knee, that will be a bonus! LOL
Sometimes I have a face I wear to protect you from my feelings and me from feeling yours. I call it my "you don't need to know or worry" face. It is positive, happy, smiling and better and more comforting for all of you to see.
I am still that private person who just happens to have a blog. I don't want pity or people feeling like they have to do things for me or take over things for me. I am used to doing things for others, not asking people to do things for me. But I will, when the time is right and I realize I need to.
And though I personally feel I am sometimes...I am not broken, unable, incompetent, or invisible.
Granted, I am not the same person I was back in March and I presently have a few physical and emotional hurdles to deal with. But with your kind words, understanding, and support, one day at a time seems reasonable, doable, and worth all the roller coaster rides along the way.
Thank you for staying in, and not retreating from, my life.
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