Monday was awful! I was so emotional I couldn't even get a cheerful smile on my face in the morning for the first time since I greeted my support team of radiology technicians. Exhausted, frustrated, angry, resentful and sad...just to name a few.

Today was my second of the five boosts. I drove myself, then went to Barnes and Noble afterwards for some quiet time, coffee and to read awhile. Afterwards I went to Meijer to get a sweater or two if I was lucky because the chills were frequent and I was worried I would get a cold and that would extend the radiation treatments. Another bit of anxiety.

There were times I wanted to ask friends for help, but didn't want to cry wolf. I was capable, could do it, but my feelings are so conflicted and irratic I honestly don't know my own mind right now.

As I got up to the check out, Walt came out of the blue and began to pack up my groceries. On his way to his house during his lunch break, I had mentioned where I was going and he was a little uneasy with my mood. He had also been concerned because my eating had been so little and my sleep even worse. I went to him to Quizno's for lunch, picking through a salad and having a vitamin water. When we walked out to our cars, I lost it. The tears began and wouldn't stop, the sobbing was ridiculous and I couldn't get a grip.

At his suggestion, I rode with him to his house so he could pick up some things while I sat in the car and continued to cry. I could not get control of the situation at all. Walt listened, he tried to get into lighter subjects and find other things to think and talk about. I'd start to stop the waterfall and then whoosh, out it would come again. It made little sense, I made even less. He was incredibly patient but I know it was hard because he didn't know what else to do to help even though just being there for a bit and giving sharing a few hugs helped more than I could express at the time.

He went on to work and I went home, working on the computer awhile and slowly but surely pulling myself together. My emotions were so unstable that I had actually made arrangements for things to be taken care of at Chorale that I was usually responsible for. I was blessed to have some friends willing to cover for me and who just wanted me to do what I needed to do for me.

After a couple other incidents to which I reacted completely irrationally, I got a text message from my friend Rhonda out of the blue with a simple message..."is there anything I can do for you?" How did she know? I asked her to meet me at the church at 6:15 to pass out music saying I just wasn't certain I would be staying so her help would be a blessing. She was there, we took care of the music, name tags, and attendance boards.

Rhonda's mom has recently been through breast cancer as well so nothing I say would be a surprise to her. The true emotions began to come out. I hate what this is doing to me...I am angry for what it is doing to my body...I hate that I can't sleep and it is affecting my friendships as well as my feelings...All of this stinks, I hurt, my breast is painful, looks awful, is uncomfortable and...the tears started flowing once again.

We were finished. Rhonda sat alongside me in one of the back pews. She let me vent some feelings, cry, and was just there in the very best way she could be. She'd heard her mom voice some of the same feelings, she knew the pain and hurt I was feeling, she understood my sadness and anger, she was a comforting presence without judgement...what a true blessing she was!

I believe that it was because of that acceptance and understanding that I was able to open myself to those who came in with the usual smiling face and the call to duty that is me. The anger and resentment was still there, the overwhelming exhausted feeling that was wrecking havoc with my emotions, over active hormones for sure doing their dirty work, and a fear of losing everyone and everything close to me because I couldn't get my feelings straight, I stayed. The anxiety I was feeling made me so tightly strung I didn't know what else to expect.

Made it through rehearsal with some laughter from friend Carol and the reassuring smiles from Walt. Jessica and Rhonda helped me carry things out to the car when rehearsal was over and I was grateful to everyone for their help. But within the next few minutes, I would hurt the feelings of one person I treasure most.

This morning, Tuesday, I awoke after stuggling all night to sleep. Averaging 3 hours of sleep a night or less over the past week or so was NOT working. Now it was affecting my relationships and I knew that to lose any of them, especially Walt, would be devasting. We've been through too much already and have an honest and supportive friendship and a great working relationship. I told Dr. Tate during our appointment that I was having trouble eating, I was a little sore, but my biggest problem was little to no sleep. It was affecting my moods, my relationships, everything. I told him what I had tried and he knows that I am not on medications and seldom have been. He prescribed some low dose Ambien for me to try for a short period and give me a chance to catch up. I was grateful beyond words and can hardly wait to give it a try tonight. I would give anything for a restful night's sleep and I hope it will start tonight.