This is for "Ann"...the angel who spent a brief moment in my life and shared her gift of hope and dreams.
I walked into the conference room off the Cancer Library to attend a class giving information and offering to answer questions regarding chemotherapy. Though I wasn't certain what type or if I was having chemo, I couldn't pass up the once a week opportunity to learn what I could from oncology nurses who work with patients every day. One such one was Crystal who would be teaching ours.
Across from me sat two sisters from some location that was six hours west of Rochester. They were in their late 60's, early 70's from what I gathered and the woman seated directly across from me was married to the man about to begin chemotherapy for non-hodkins lymphoma. She was very concerned as one of his sessions was likely to take 8 hours to the mix the chemicals involved, check his reactions, get the treatment itself, etc. There is always someone much worse off than you when you listen and open your eyes.
Like the woman who later sat down on my left along with her daughter. She was around my age with very warm eyes and friendly smile who entered the room rather slowly. Crystal explained we were going to be viewing a video first and then would have an open session of information and questions, she also asked if everyone could hear and if we were comfortable so we could begin. The woman on my left put a big smile on her face, sat back a bit in her chair and said, "About as comfortable as anyone can be just coming from a treatment," and she laughed. It was then I really noticed her hospital "bracelet" and the tube that extended under her blouse. We all laughed a little with her smiled back. The room was instantly more comfortable too.
The video was well done and honest. It gave the good points and the low ones as well as suggestions for how to deal with some of the side effects. We were also given another folder with materials that would be helpful to us. Crystal spoke a bit then it was question and answer time where we all took turns, listening and learning from each other.
One moment though was indescribeable in the feelings that went through me. I am going to try my best to share it here regarding the woman next to me, whom I will call Ann.
I asked Crystal about TCH chemo treatment, which was what I was facing at that time. Crystal's first reaction was, "Oh my, that burns!" She explained that if it leaks out of the vein due to a bad puncture, it can burn under your skin. which I had been told. I then mentioned I was going to have a port put in just below my right shoulder blade and wondered if they were a problem to keep clean or care for.
At that instant, Ann perked up and said, "Well, I can show you," and she pulled back the top of her blouse on the right side, showed me hers and explained how easy it had been for her. Crystal explained that some were a bit different, as Ann's had a two inch tube covered by a plastic shield outlined with medical tape to hold it tightly in place. Ann went on to explain hers was a bit different but the port was a blessing because she was on chemo 24 hours a day thanks to the fanny pack of sorts that was on the left side of her waist.
Then, I said to her, "Do you mind if I ask you what type of cancer you are dealing with?"
"I am terminal." For a moment, you could have cut the air with a knife.
Instinctively, I reached out with my left hand and put mine on her right one. "I am sorry." At that time, to me, there was no one else in the room but Ann.
She smiled and we gave each other a squeeze. "But let me tell you how we discovered it," she said. "I had been wanting to go to Italy for as long as I could remember. See Rome, Venice, the Partenon, Vatican, anything and everything and had been working towards the opportunity to get there. This spring my daughter, a niece, my granddaughter, and I flew there, had a marvelous time and I felt absolutely wonderful. I'd had breast cancer 19 years ago but since then, no health problems except the usual things now and then, colds, you know. I can't begin to tell you what a wonderful time we had."
She didn't have to. A sparkle shone in her eyes as her tiredness seemed to fade in all her excitement as she shared parts of this adventure with such delight.
"Within two weeks of my arriving home, I felt awful and I just didn't feel I had over done that much," taking in a breath as she chuckled. "So I went in to the doctor, they ran tests and discovered that the cancer had metastized. I was Stage IV and terminal. That's why I carry my little bag with me here," she said as she tapped her chemo bag with her left hand.
Everyone in the room was quiet. Again, only acting on the feeling that the words would come to me I was even surprised when I heard myself say, "How incredibly wonderful to have been able to make so many beautiful memories in Italy with the girls you love and also get the chance to finally experience something you had only dreamed of."
Her smile grew wide. "Absolutely. I believe I was given an amazing gift and I honestly consider myself very lucky."
Lucky! Hardly the word most terminal patients would use to describe themselves and it put many things into perspective.
I believe Ann was one of those special people that appears in your life for just a moment, but with something said or a deed done, makes a change someway in your life. Whatever passed between us when I looked into her eyes was a warm feeling of confidence and reassurance that lifted the spirit. It meant for both of us, everything was going to be alright, just different. There was no feeling of fear, no sadness, only hope, revelation, and joy.
I could see in her eyes I had touched her heart and could tell she recognized she had also touched mine. I felt a peace in the room as Ann and her daughter walked through the door and made their way out into the busy corridor. But I will carry that enlightened moment to help me through any difficult moment that may come.
Hmmm...I am thinking my goal after treatment is my trip to Paris and the French countryside, for that has always been my dream. And I wouldn't want to miss it!
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