This is very hard day late afternoon July 20, 2010

Haven't really wanted to do anything today. I am tired, lacking good sleep, and emotionally strung so tight I cry over the least little thing.

I just received a call from Rikki at the American Cancer Society with an offer of help and support. After briefly explaining how they can be of help to me, she listened for just a few minutes as I shared how hard it is on the patient to have to struggle with all of this...not only the disease itself but with all that is asked of you when you have it. I had no idea how much I needed to share that with someone, to hear myself say it outloud.

She gave me the toll free number and some recommendations that may be helpful along the way financially, for support, to answer questions regarding my illness, whatever my needs are. As she was ending the call she said, "We are here 24/7 with help and support, whatever you need, we are here for you. Don't hesitate to call us. We want you to know more than anything else, Donalee, that you are not alone."

Trying to reign in my emotions enough to politely say good bye and thanks for her kindness, I was frantic to get off the phone. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to keep things at bay much longer. I broke into sobs which ripped through my chest and left me with no strength to hold me up. Just more waves of emotions held much too tightly that instantly came flooding out of me. I had no idea there was any more left and even now, as I write about it, I have to pause to let go of more. This is going to be a very, very hard day.

I AM alone and I don't mean physically here in Minnesota. The reality of my aloneness surfaced within a compassionate, innocent and loving phone conversation with a cancer caregiver. She KNEW what I felt! I have people who are close to me but they have lives of their own and aren't around to experience the fluctuations. There isn't anyone to just hold me for awhile so that I can feel comforted as I come apart at the seams. No pity is accepted here and that is not why I am sharing. This is what I live and I was doing pretty darn well dealing with it until this illness came into my life.

I don't want to upset anyone, cause them to worry or feel any discomfort or concern so I work hard to keep the positive side of me in the forefront even when the shadow of doubt is pressing hard. Being accused of being a Pollyanna was a badge I always wore proudly because she always saw the best in people and sitations. It is important to me to do the same. But when she was ill and faced a hardship she didn't think she could overcome, even she had to struggle. It took her friends and family to keep her going. It's what some of you have been trying to do, each in your own way, for me and I continue to be grateful.

I am alone with my thoughts right now and I can tell this has been needed for a long time. Being away from home for some reason has given me permission to come to terms with all I have been through these past few months. To release pent up anger, sadness, and other thoughts. I feel a sense of loss, grief, hurt, disillusionment, and at times feel frightened of the unknown. The facade of strength I regularly wear has completely crumbled today. I am not asking anyone to try to fix anything, psychoanalyze me, or make anything happen for me. None of these things is what I need. This is just honestly how it is for me today, right now.

A small crack in the mask I occasionally wear just opened and revealed many private thoughts. You received an opportunity to witness my vulnerability and see into my heart. Please treat it gently.