I am seated in front of a big picture window, blue sky above, sun beaming through and shining on a face with tears streaming down. I read an email from a dear friend and suddenly my head exploded with a box of feelings that have been strapped down pretty tightly until now.
I AM ANGRY!
Why, if I had to have this cancer, isn't it the more common every day variety? There would be clearer plans for treatment. I could just get on with it and my life instead of obsessing over every possible little hill and valley in the diagnosis.
Why did I have to discover it so early? I mean really...if I would have waited another year to get a mammogram after the four years already, so what? It would have been over a centimeter in size and something that would fit into the tumor guidelines better. Would have been easier for everyone, right? Heck, why not slip a few cancer cells into a couple lymph nodes and possibly escape to parts unknown. Then the experts would have a better idea what to do with me than they do now because I would be a Stage II or more. Not the lowly, confusing Stage Ib that I am.
Why did there have to be such confusion between the biopsy diagnosis and the surgery diagnosis? I know no one is perfect but the stress this has caused that I have tried so desperately to hide sometimes knocks me to my knees...and they aren't in the greatest shape either!
Why did I have to be triple positive, another unusual condition in ILC? OR am I?? Another unknown, another descrepancy, another night of little sleep, another couple days to wonder if everything will change again and I'll have a new set of circumstances to resign myself to and another treatment option I never knew existed.
Why did I have to overexpress HER2 or do I? All the experts I have seen feel I am healthy enough to take whatever I have to and continue on well in life with 5% to 25% chance of reoccurence depending on what I choose. Add to that drug choices that make me gain weight, get sick and tired and have uncontrollable hot flashes, to other drugs that could cause heart problems, to the most recent suggestion that causes excessive joint pain where there is arthritis or a degenerative condition like my knee. Gotta love these choices which everyone says beats the ultimate alternative we are all headed for eventually anyway. Some days, I am not so certain.
Any challenge in life is hard. Any disease you get without permission is hard. Anything you have no control over is hard. And sometimes feeling like you really don't want to deal with all of this anymore...that is hard to admit, but true.
All I know how to do, all I can do, is just hold onto myself tightly right now...and cry.
You are doing well, just hang in there a little longer! In the army we said hurry up and wait! See you soon. Love, Nancy
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