Tonight I feel a little sad.
I will be catching up on an email I should have responded to two days ago because of how very important the family is to me. Though I know they will be understanding and forgiving, it makes me sad tonight.
I have heard many reasons why I should not be taking the trip to Mayo that I am taking this week such as I shouldn't go alone; it will be too much for me to handle; it is too overwhelming; it would so much better if I had someone with me; however can I keep track of things, etc. That makes me sad tonight too.
I have listened to many of my friends this week who have had disappointments, difficulties with their relationships or in their families, basically just needed someone to listen. My problem is that I should just listen and I do BUT... I feel I have to help fix things. I want them to be happy and have things work more smoothly. I keep trying to think of something that will help in some way, even a small way, or that will give them some peace of mind for awhile. I need to work on just listening rather than taking it on myself. I can't even take care of my own life and needs right now. It makes me sad tonight too.
I am questioning my own friendships and relationships. Wondering if they are as secure as I think they are. Wondering how much damage this illness will do to our friendship, how much pressure, if I am respecting their feelings and needs, if I share too much or too little, just what the boundaries are here, what they need or want from me...am I sensitive to that? Admitting that I have this sense of insecurity and fear of abandonment makes me sad tonight too.
So for now, I am just going to accept being sad for all these things I can't do anything about except just let them go. Everything has a way of working out. Some of these problems won't be problems tomorrow, some of them I will have an idea how to handle tomorrow, and others I will just choose to let go...tomorrow.
Likely, I'll no longer be sad.
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