My plans by now would have included a trip or two back to my home state, a new garage door, a concrete slab out from my porch, a deck out back and a roof over my front door. None of that happened or is going to happen thanks to this little detour I had to take.
The other day I told a friend I stopped my medication because I chose walking over continuing my meds. The response I received was "good because your chances are so low of a re-occurence, you will never get it again". Confidence or arrogance? Not sure... Things haven't been as comfortable in that friendship so that will likely go the way of other family and be non existent before long. Seems to be the case with many back in WA too. Guess they feel slighted, ignored, as if they didn't matter. All I can say is...I am sorry.
I am sorry I didn't handle all this as well as they must think I should have. I am sorry I had to cash in two CDs from selling my house to pay the medical bills, travel to Mayo, excessive costs from doctors appointments, extra tests, medications, etc because I am too young to be blessed with assistance from Medicare that could have helped with some of the expenses my insurance didn't cover. IF I still had that money, I would have made a trip or two out west. But I decided that I would use what I had for DisneyWorld, because that has been a dream for 30 years...and at least I will have accomplished one of them.
I am sorry I didn't have a mom or dad to call, or a brother or sister to write to, or someone at the other end of the phone to listen like those of you with a spouse or other significant other at home. Mine was there, just around me not beside me when I could have used his hugs or have his physical presence to kiss away the tears when I wanted to throw in the towel and be on his side rather than mine.
Some nights it is very quiet here, not unlike many I have spent over the years and I start thinking about the good times and good memories. Then I remember the people who couldn't deal with my silence, my avoidance, my supposed snub. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to think up something to write about? When you have been SO out of touch for SO long, what do you say? Where do you start? Why would anyone care? I can't relate to people here when I talk about "home", so how can I talk about here to people from "home"?
When I did write, it was about me, what had been going on, why I was so quiet, so withdrawn and it appears that was wrong. I may have been involved in activities back here, but each night I went home to Foxy, my little house, and myself and faced how things are. NO amount of activities can replace the emptiness of not having people around you who know you, know who you are, what you feel, who you have been, what you have done in your life, and who love you...really love you.
One of my former students mentioned what a "strong woman I am". I have my moments because I have had to be. I have spent more time in my life alone and on my own that with someone close. But there are weak moments too...when I am criticized or ignored, used or stepped on and like everyone else, that happens to me too. Only who do I talk to about them?
This is not a pity party, it is reality and part of writing this is to share the bad side of things as well as the good moments. I know I am not irreplaceable...that has been proven many times and will soon be proven again. Life changes, people change, people move on and friends become a part of the past.
But to those of you who are still out there, who read or listen or think back to better times and warm memories, thank you! You may not be in touch, but I still think of you with gratitude for whatever time you spent in my life, and the footprints you left behind on my heart.
Good night~
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