Nothing like spewing frustration 6/29/2010 & 7/1/2010

I was still reeling from the diagnosis change and the new treatment program presented today. Basically I am confused, uncertain, and totally feeling overwhelmed. Granted, my surgeon had given me other information based on my original pathology report from the biopsy. So, I based all my research on that. I didn't realize just how wound up I was until I went into rehearsal this evening.

I knew they would all want to know and before I could even get through the door, I was spewing out my frustration and confusion to Ruth. Then Carol walked in and the frustration continued as Gerry joined us. Each of them shared knowledge from experiences and we all tried to make sense of what I had heard. Bless them for letting me vent because I truly had no idea just how badly I needed to. I have been trying so hard not to burn out any friends or friendships over this that I just bottle it deeper and deeper inside. NOT a good thing!

This whole experience has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. First you are up because you feel like you are in control of your life again only to come down when you are given another alternative, hear you have to take another test, need to find another facility, whatever! It isn't enough to deal with the fact that something you never invited has been inside your body causing havoc without permission. Now the experts in who's hands you are putting your life aren't quite certain what to do with you. To make things as simple as possible, the easiest route is opted for according to the NCCN guidelines. Does that make it right for me?

We finally sang through some songs we'll be performing for a church service at Ferry Memorial on Sunday, July 11 and it certainly took some of the pressure off. Just getting to sing awhile with good friends felt wonderful. But I think it was made even better because my friends cared enough to know I needed them to listen, I needed them to share, and I truly wanted to hear what they had to say too. It was that reassurance that I was not alone in my thoughts that helped. I spend too much time there already!

I thought I was over spewing until I went to Beads today. I enjoyed being with everyone and making jewelry to give to breast cancer patients at the cancer center where I will soon be getting my treatments, if I end up with them. One of the women came in just before we were getting ready to leave. She had been through cancer treatments a few years ago and had offered her help and support. Before I knew it, I was telling her about my frustrations. Pretty soon, the other seven women were listening too. Under normal circumstances, I would have stopped since it was a private conversation, but I did not.

In my mind I think I believed they needed to hear this. Breast cancer is not one single disease. It has several different variations and with each comes complicated decisions on what treatment options you may get to choose from, what the side effects may be, what you may have to deal with and for how long, what the financial responsibilities are, and what the toll is on your life right now! At the center, they have a very efficient and helpful process you follow when you come for your first visit. But in my state of mind, with my diagnosis different, unprepared for my new treatment option, unfamiliar with the person suggesting my 5 year care plan, I walked out in a blur.

When I called to apologize to my friend Deb for talking so openly in front of the group about it she said, "You know Donalee, it didn't bother me at all. I think that was a good thing to talk about it openly as you did. We don't talk about the pressures of dealing with cancer. It's not cut and dried. You have demands put on you that most people don't even realize when you just struggle getting through a day sometimes. There isn't one single part of this whole thing that is easy. It could happen to them and women need to know who truly is responsible for their care...and it isn't the doctors."

And I take that thought to bed with me every single night!