The Uncertainty of Cancer

The other day, an acquaintance said, "Isn't it nice you don't have to worry about your cancer anymore?"

With a deep breath and patience, I explained that I am still concerned about my cancer and am still undergoing treatment...you just can't see it.

Just because I had surgery over a year ago that does not mean I am not concerned that my cancer may reoccur, that it could be somewhere else in my body, that it could come back as leukemia or appear in my other breast or that I really may be a survivor once I get to the five year mark. But that does not mean I am free and clear or that it is gone.

Once you have cancer, there is always the possibility it will return. Granted, it does not seem to have the ominous connotation that it once had. But it still isn't something you forget about...not ever. It changes you.

I spent my afternoon seeing the movie "50-50" today which deals with a young man of 28 finding out that he has a very rare form of cancer. There were some over the top moments regarding language and situations, but some of the fear, the reactions of those around him, the uncertainty, and some of the situations I fully understood. I found that I had tears more times that I wanted because "I remembered how it was", still is, will be.

Whenever my left breast aches, first I remember that my surgeon and my oncologist told me that would be something I will likely experience for the rest of my life. Sometimes it is nothing, sometimes it is a reminder of the aches I felt last March when I decided to make an appointment to see what was causing it, and other times, it brings concern that maybe the tentacles are reaching out and the lobular carcinoma is growing once again.

My HER2 status was +3 positive from the biopsy sample and +1 from the surgery. Leaves an uncertainty, the whole situation was emotionally unnerving and a comedy of errors so I can't be certain anything is as it is. An unreal fear most likely, but a fear none the less.

This past year has been one of confusion, uncertainty, of others questioning my ability to do things I have always done because I get tired or ill, wrestling with my own fatigue or sleeplessness, and the indecisiveness that comes from not knowing what I want for my future let alone the insecure times when I doubt I will have one.  There has been frustration over the overwhelming medical expenses that some thought were "covered by Medicare" as well as my insurance. I am five years too young for that and it has eaten up some of my savings that I was blessed to have but hoped not to have to use quite yet.  I have a lack of direction more noticable at times and when my brother asked about what I wanted out of life, I found myself at a complete loss.

Right now, just to be alive, and able, and capable, and loved, and cared about and able to care and love others and above all, be grateful for more time to just be here period! To see another sunrise and sunset, to enjoy the wind as it whips my hair about and to feel the rain on my face that still reminds me of home. To have my dog greet me with a wagging tail no matter how long it has been and to hear the birds outside the window still singing as the leaves turn to fall colors and the squirrels compete with the feathery beauties for the sunflower seeds in the feeders. To feel the love in the hugs from friends, to sing with others who love music, to enjoy the laughter that surrounds me and to also feel relief after tears.

I have a T shirt I got a Mayo and I can be found wearing it on my tougher days:

"What Cancer Cannot Do...
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit"

So for me...
"Where there is happiness, there is hope;
where there is laughter, there is joy;
where there is kindness, there is gratitude
where there is comfort, there is love.
And with all these the strength to make a difference."
Donalee 2011